August 2012 – A Series of Very Bad Decisions

What’s in a name?

Sarah is adopting a cat – that beauty that you see to your left!! She’s getting her tonight and was asking for name suggestions. Here’s what I threw at her:

A.J. Catzinski (denied with a vengeance)

Southpaw

Brady Gaga

Jay Catler (I kind of want a cat now just to name it that)

Peyton Catting

Amanda Pacer (ORIGINAL 90210 reference)

Andrea Zuckerman

Peachy McPitter

We’ll see what winds up sticking tonight (though I suspect it will be none of the above). She likes to be held and hugged and is very playful – so while that may apply to Lindsay Lohan, naming her that would be feline abuse.

Millionaire Matchmaker

Earlier this evening, I saw on Twitter that Millionaire Matchmaker is (presumably) coming to Chicago. Patti Stanger tweeted that she was looking for single Chicago gals ages 25-40.

Now, let me be clear: first of all, I watch very little, if any, reality TV. The Real Housewives of Shut the Fuck Up? Couldn’t care less. Jersey Shore? Why would I waste my time watching people willingly contract STDs? Keeping up With the Kardashians? Okay, I DID watch that at one point because they’re all so vapid it was more an exercise in trying to figure out why exactly they’re famous.

However, I love MM. I am not sure why – I think it’s partly Patti’s tough love approach and that the traditional rules of dating still apply (stop texting! don’t drink too much! make sure you have the same morals!) and it’s fascinating to watch people break her rules and have what she warns them will happen actually happen.

Anywho, of course I sent an email to them with my picture, because why wouldn’t I? I’m not looking to marry someone rich so much as I’ve exhausted all other options – every online dating site (except Chat Roulette), meeting friends of friends, randoms at a bar, co-workers, blasts from the past who just got married, homeless men, etc. So, why not throw my hat in the ring for this? If anything, it’s a chance to plug the book!

Analyzing My Two Fantasy Football Teams

I am participating in two fantasy football leagues this year for the first time since ever. I tried this once in 2004 but used my first draft pick on Clinton Portis and it was all downhill from there. I came in dead last and have avoided it ever since. But, this year, I’ve been sucked into two different ones, both through Yahoo! (which drafted for me since I apparently cannot be trusted) so I figured I’d provide a breakdown/analysis since I’m obviously going to win both leagues (yeah, right).

Team One: Vick in a Box

QB: Drew Brees – Woohoo! A top-5 QB! Second to only Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady! (wait…what?). Threw for 5,476 yards and 46 touchdowns last season. Just signed a bajillion dollar contract. Seems legit!! I couldn’t possibly lose one game with such a stud behind center.

WR: Larry Fitzgerald – Another steal! Both Pro Football Weekly and National Football Post have him as the #2 WR in the (fantasy) league. Plus, he represents the Big East before it fell into ruins and had to beg for San Diego State to join. Solid option!!

WR: Brandon Marshall – Were he still with the Dolphins, this would make me dry heave into a paper bag, but since the Bears have reunited him with Jay Cutler, I see a lot of receptions in his 2012 future. It’s like Yahoo KNOWS me.

WR: Jeremy Maclin: Never heard of him. Played for Missouri, is with the Eagles, had six TD receptions last season. PFW has him ranked #32. I’d rather not. Can I trade him for one of the Alabama WRs? Yes, no, maybe?

RB: Arian Foster – BOO-YA! #1 baby

RB: Adrian Peterson – This would hurt less if he didn’t play for the Vikings. Gag.

TE: Antonio Gates – Okay, maybe I’m starting to see why I should not be allowed to draft. With the exception of Marshall, I would not have picked any of these guys, and the more “research I do” (as in, looking at their rankings and nothing else) the more I realize this is a GREAT team. AND I didn’t even pre-rank players before the draft. How do you like THEM apples?

PK: Mason Crosby- Another top 5/6 player.

DEF: Baltimore (Alternate: Seattle)

Bench: Kenny Britt (WR), Michael Vick (QB and WEIRD given the team name), Frank Gore (RB and representing DA U), Vincent Jackson (WR), Brandon Pettigrew (TE)

Team Two: Brady Gaga

QB: Matt Stafford – I guess. I told one of my colleagues I was less than thrilled with this and he was all, “are you kidding?” I guess I was?? I think it’s just because I don’t like the Lions or Ndakiaijqeakmfasd BeatsEveryoneUp.

WR: Roddy White

WR: Hakeem Nicks

–Here I’ve been blessed with two top-10 WRs even though Hakeem Nicks DOES play for the Giants, a team that IS my arch-nemesis for what they’ve done to the Patriots (TWICE) in the Super Bowl.

WR: Miles Austin – I suppose the odds were nearly impossible for me to NOT get a football player who hasn’t slept with Kim Kardashian.

RB: LeSean McCoy – Rushed for 17 TDs last season. I can dig it.

RB: Ryan Mathews – Fine

TE: Fred Davis – Fine

W/R/T: Maurice Jones-Drew – Fine

PK: Mason Crosby – wait, really? Again?? Where’s the variety, YAHOO!???

DEF: Pittsburgh (Alternate: Seattle)

Bench: Kenny Britt (AGAIN? WR), Michel Vick (QB and wait, is this a JOKE???), Roy Helu (RB), Robert Meachem (WR), Sidney Rice (WR), Owen Daniels (TE)

In conclusion, the developers at Yahoo! built a much better system for drafting than I ever could. Should be interesting to see how my teams do. Expect weekly updates! (not really)

MY DECISION

I’ve made a life changing decision. Groundbreaking. No one else has ever taken such a risk before…

I have decided to boycott text messaging!

Now, before Verizon starts to panic, allow me to elaborate.

I am boycotting text messaging as it pertains to courting.

I cannot remember the last time a guy called me to ask me out on a date rather than texting me.

(Actually, I can. But it ended it disaster. You can read about it in chapter 43 of “A Series of Very Bad Decisions,” entitled Before We Have Sex, You Need to Shave.)

We ALL rely on text messaging as a flirting mechanism WAY TOO MUCH. And it needs to stop. We rely on it so much that we go to a bar and meet a dude who asks for our number and five days later he texts “yo” and the next thing we know we’re planning our wedding before we realize we haven’t spoken to this person since meeting him.

Don’t get me wrong – I love texting. It’s so convenient. Sometimes you’re at a bar and it’s loud and the table next to you is full of asshole Buckeye fans that keep screaming “O-H-I-O” so you’re not exactly able to talk to people so yes, I agree that it’s important.

But – when you meet someone and all they want to do is TEXT you – that’s where I draw the line (or, am as of now).

Texting is our ultimate crutch. Instead of actually CALLING someone that we’d like to date, we hide behind the “SEND SMS” feature that we all have on our phones.

Okay – listen. I’m sure that if you’re knocked on your ass crazy in love with someone, the thought of calling them can be scary. But, what is the point of taking risks if you don’t take risks? Wait, what am I talking about?

Here’s the thing: When I was seven or eight, I called my uncle’s then girlfriend (now wife) at her apartment, when I knew my uncle was there, to ask to speak to him, and then subsequently ask him when he was going to propose. I have apparently been making inappropriate phone calls since 1989, so calling up a dude to ask him on a date is no big deal to me.

All we’re asking for is effort. Example: My friend Jerod is dating a lovely girl and is making sure she KNOWS he’s interested. For example: we’re all in line to get into the Kennedy museum when she texts him to tell him she finished her last final. What does he do? He CALLS her to tell her how proud of her his is. Okay, let’s review- she texted him and he called her. A simple gesture that probably meant a lot and showed her how interested he was. How is this rocket science?

Now you’re probably thinking: “if you like someone, why don’t you call HIM, dumbass?” Well – joke is on you because I did and nothing happened.

So my new experiment is to not respond to solicitous text messages. If that means I have to sit at home on a Friday night watching the Golden Girls, well, I’d probably be doing that anyway. I’m just tired of us hiding behind a keypad. Before texting and cell phones, we had to make an actual effort – why are we so opposed to doing that now?

Coming Full Circle? (Rated R)

I spend way too much time reading gossip blogs and People.com and way too little time focusing on things that, you know, actually matter (politics, my marathon training, learning how to cook or something). Why do I CARE about these things? I really shouldn’t.

My favorite gossip blog is DListed because Michael K is a hilarious, snarky bitch, whereas People is notorious for being homerous suck-ups that never say anything negative so as not to miss an “exclusive” scoop.

I mean, how can you NOT love gems from DListed such as: (PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED AND IF MY MOTHER IS READING THIS, SHE SHOULD STOP)

Kim (Kardashian), kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I’ll paint it black if that helps.

(Talking about a blind item involving a newly married singer that cheated on his wife right before the wedding):

I’m going to guess this is Michael Buble, because every time I see him I’m convinced his crotch smells like the Little Trees car freshener he rubs down there so his wife won’t get a nostril full of eau de side ho.

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year’s Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal).

(He was writing about how Brangelina took their child army to see Harry Potter in London, but rented out the whole theater for themselves):

Couldn’t they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap!

AND FINALLY

(Talking about Lindsay Lohan’s outfit):

Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she’d look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL.

Now, let’s look at the some of the lead headlines on People.com:

Jolie-Pitt Family Heads to France for Toys, Pizza, Fun! –> Yes, please let me read about children who get to buy out toy stores and travel the world.

PHOTO: John Mayer Chops His Hair! –> Well, he NEEDED to because he looked like he was homeless and hadn’t showered in six months, but he also has 400 STDs and a hair cut won’t disguise that he’s still gross.

Snooki Gives Birth to a Boy –> Dear lord WHO allowed this woman to procreate??

I mean, really. None of this matters. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care enough to care that I care.

Since reading about things like the gross incompetence of the US Congress, the crime in Chicago, the bankruptcy of Chicago, or the record of the Chicago Cubs is FAR too depressing, it’s easier to bury myself in the world of meaningless celebrity gossip that for some reason garners millions in yearly ad revenue for the sites that report on this nonsense.

In terms of needing to escape from reality, I could certainly have far worse habits, but really: my marathon training is in ruins. HELP!!!