I spend way too much time reading gossip blogs and People.com and way too little time focusing on things that, you know, actually matter (politics, my marathon training, learning how to cook or something). Why do I CARE about these things? I really shouldn’t.
My favorite gossip blog is DListed because Michael K is a hilarious, snarky bitch, whereas People is notorious for being homerous suck-ups that never say anything negative so as not to miss an “exclusive” scoop.
I mean, how can you NOT love gems from DListed such as: (PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED AND IF MY MOTHER IS READING THIS, SHE SHOULD STOP)
Kim (Kardashian), kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I’ll paint it black if that helps.
(Talking about a blind item involving a newly married singer that cheated on his wife right before the wedding):
I’m going to guess this is Michael Buble, because every time I see him I’m convinced his crotch smells like the Little Trees car freshener he rubs down there so his wife won’t get a nostril full of eau de side ho.
Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year’s Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal).
(He was writing about how Brangelina took their child army to see Harry Potter in London, but rented out the whole theater for themselves):
Couldn’t they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap!
(Talking about Lindsay Lohan’s outfit):
Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she’d look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL.
Now, let’s look at the some of the lead headlines on People.com:
Jolie-Pitt Family Heads to France for Toys, Pizza, Fun! –> Yes, please let me read about children who get to buy out toy stores and travel the world.
PHOTO: John Mayer Chops His Hair! –> Well, he NEEDED to because he looked like he was homeless and hadn’t showered in six months, but he also has 400 STDs and a hair cut won’t disguise that he’s still gross.
Snooki Gives Birth to a Boy –> Dear lord WHO allowed this woman to procreate??
I mean, really. None of this matters. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care enough to care that I care.
Since reading about things like the gross incompetence of the US Congress, the crime in Chicago, the bankruptcy of Chicago, or the record of the Chicago Cubs is FAR too depressing, it’s easier to bury myself in the world of meaningless celebrity gossip that for some reason garners millions in yearly ad revenue for the sites that report on this nonsense.
In terms of needing to escape from reality, I could certainly have far worse habits, but really: my marathon training is in ruins. HELP!!!