I know just yesterday I was pontificating over whether or not I would actually read 50 Shades of Bad Metaphors, Descriptions, Analogies, and Characters I Want to Punch In the Face, and was actually leaning towards YES, so I could be educated in what I was trashing.

But then.

Last night, I was enjoying a nice glass of Layer Cake Malbec (no seriously, best Malbec ever), when I decided to yet again see if I could read an excerpt online that didn’t involve 15 orgasms in a row.

The Today Show, I guess, posted an excerpt from Chapter One.  So, the main chickadee turned nympho, Anastasia, is interviewing this Christian Grey person and asks him about his business:

“You’re very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you owe your success?” I glance up at him. His smile is rueful, but he looks vaguely disappointed.

“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them. I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well.” He pauses and fixes me with his gray stare. “My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people. The bottom line is it’s always down to good people.”

I’m sorry, what?  That is the most nonsensical answer I’ve ever read, and was clearly written by someone who doesn’t understand business (crappy plots, yes, business, no).  He just word vomited about having successful employees, which yes, drives a business, but that’s not REALLY the answer to her question, is it?  ARGH.  If I asked my boss “to what do you owe your success?” I would get a much better and coherent answer that actually answered my question.

Then, it gets better:

“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list—but he’s so arrogant. His eyes flare momentarily in surprise.
“I don’t subscribe to luck or chance, Miss Steele. The harder I work the more luck I seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their energies accordingly. I think it was Harvey Firestone who said, ‘The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership.’ ”  (Ed note: Again, nothing about actual business principles, etc – just a lot of BS to get around answering a question.  Then again, maybe this IS more realistic than I thought)

“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he says without a trace of humor in his smile. I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassive. My heartbeat quickens, and my face flushes again.

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that.

Seriously, an 8th grader could have written this nonsense.

Of course I’m jealous of the woman who wrote it – she has all three books on the NYT Bestseller list, she’s made millions, and all those freaks from Twilight are falling over themselves to be in the movies, etc.  I’d LOVE to be in her position.

I have to admit, I did LOVE that “Miss Steele” literally tripped over herself and fell INTO Christian’s office – sounds exactly like something I would do (have done, will do again, etc) – finally, a slice of reality in the otherwise pie of “WTF are you talking about, lady????”



One thought on “Nevermind…”

  1. It began on a Twilight fan message board, so that’s why it (a) sounds like a twist on Twilight and (b) is so poorly written. My wife read all three and enjoyed parts of them but kept remarking at how poorly written they were (and she can overlook that stuff far better than I).

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