The Best Worst OKCupid Message EVER

My friend Susan, recently back in the dating scene, received the most hilariously inappropriately horrific OKCupid message over the weekend that I insisted on sharing it with my four loyal blog readers. The only thing you need to know is that this is the first message he’s writing her.

I am of course posting this with my own commentary and per usual the shoddy grammar is NOT MINE. So without further adieu:

Hey I’m here in (city redacted) visiting for the holiday and I have a huge house to myself, well except for this lazy dog next to me.

Congratulations? I guess? I’ve already lost interest, but please, continue.

You should do something spontaneous like come over drink a bottle of wine…or two (I think you’re missing a word in there, compadre) and we can see what happens. Maybe we make out maybe more.

Nothing says lead story on Dateline than making a decision like that, so I’m inclined to pass.

Your up for an adventure, right?

Grammar fail alert, code 5! Delete, delete, delete.

I’d really like to know what your lips taste like.

I don’t know what MINE taste like, but YOURS are going to taste like blood pretty soon there Rico Suave.

Have you ever had an orgasm so intense you couldn’t stop shaking?

Um, yeah, so here’s the thing – this is not a 1990’s phone sex line, we are not watching Cinemax at midnight on a Saturday and furthermore that is just INAPPROPRIATE! Where are your manners, sir?

My goal for the evening is to help you experience that.

That’s funny, my goal for the evening is to forward this message to all my friends and blog about it.

Let’s let this random unexpected message from me be the catalyst for an amazing night and something to look back on when life goes back to normal after the holiday.

There is not enough grain alcohol in the world that would make me okay with that. 

I think we have the potential to have a memorable night. Let’s not let that chance evaporate away.

Easy, there, Nicholas Sparks.

Yes, I am trying to seduce you.

Oh you are? The previous question about the orgasm made that unclear.

So, the next time anyone asks me why I’ve given up on internet dating, well now you have your answer.

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A Whole New World

So, last night I was watching Aladdin, because why wouldn’t I be, and I turned it on right around when the genie was going over his rules: 1) can’t kill anyone (illegal), 2) can’t wish for more wishes (greedy!) and finally 3) he can’t make anyone fall in love with anyone else.

I remember watching this movie incessantly when I was around 13-14 and being pissed off about rule #3, of course because I was a lovesick teenager and when my friends and I made lists of the guys we had crushes on mine was like 20 long. And none of them liked me back so I just pined after them wishing there was just SOME way to MAKE them like me back and then Robin Williams as the Genie swoops in and shits all over it.

Of course NOW it makes sense and was kind of the theme of the whole movie – don’t tell me who to love and/or marry and maybe I’ll do a better job of making sure you don’t get brainwashed by a dude who looks like the walking dead.

It’s an interesting lesson from Disney and a huge improvement from their lessons of the 30’s – you need a man to save you after you’re poisoned fending off a jealous stepmother and being an indentured servant to diamond miners. Yes in case you were wondering, Snow White was the first Disney movie and came out in 1937.

Here are some other valuable life lessons from Disney:

Bambi (1942) – Watch your mother get shot, proceed to be scared for life.

Alice in Wonderland (1951) – Clearly the result of someone doing too much acid.

Peter Pan (1953) – Guys never want to grow up and will always ditch you for a younger ho.

Sleeping Beauty (1959) – You need a man to save you (until he leaves you for a younger ho).

Mary Poppins (1964) – Never forget your umbrella if you live in London.

The Little Mermaid (1989) – Before you ditch your family for a dude, make sure he’d at least be willing to save you from a giant octopus.

The Rescuers Down Under (1990) – Australian accents are awesome

The Mighty Ducks (1992), D2: The Mighty Ducks (1994), D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996): Adam Banks Rules.

 

Anatomy of a Boy Band, Part 2 – What Not to Wear

I know, I know, ANOTHER boy band post, but yesterday when I was watching videos on YouTube before meeting up with friends for a delicious sushi dinner, I came up with the idea for this post.

The band boy love ballads were very popular among teenage/college girls. You know, the whole “I’ll love you forever and ever” theme we all strive for in our real lives assuming we survive the minefield that is dating. But I digress.

One of these said ballads, “Drowning,” by the Backstreet Boys, is one I listened to on repeat in college. Don’t judge me. Okay, fine, judge me but at least finish reading this blog.

Apparently, there were TWO versions of the music video for the song, one of which took the drowning metaphor WAY TOO FAR. And made some horrific fashion statements. Behold:

First of all – a mesh shirt? Really? I’m not entirely sure what’s on A.J.’s neck, but it looks like a dog collar and combined with the facial hair, he looks like he belongs dancing in a cage at an after hours club on South Beach.

Then we have Kevin:

I find his eyebrows offensive and I’m pretty sure that he looks like he is begging to be in the sequel to The Crow. Is there a sequel? Oh, who cares.

Howie looks like if Cousin Balki was trying to Live La Vida Loca (god, I’m really dating myself here. Oh, who cares, I’m 31 and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Except turn 32.) and Nick is all, “welcome to Slytherin. I’m Professor Snape’s secret love child with Harry Potter’s mum.”

“Okay fine, there WAS no sequel to The Crow? What about The Matrix? Can I be in The Matrix?”

“Oh fuck it, maybe after this video shoot wraps I WILL go dance in a cage somewhere.”

“I mean it – don’t fuck with Slytherin!”

And then there’s ‘N Sync.

This isn’t bad fashion so much as they look like they are hung over at brunch rather than vowing to love someone forever.

However:

I have to assume the reason this chick looks so disgusted has nothing to do with him taking a call during their little picnic lunch and everything to do with his hair. My god the hair. When did that EVER seem like a good idea?

Here’s a better look:

That is just…I don’t even know. This is Chris and I always considered him and Joey Fat One the least attractive of all the boy band members in all of history and that hair is really not doing him any favors.

I wouldn’t call this “fashion” of the late 1990’s and early 2000’s but more would call it “WTF were their stylists thinking?”

Whirlwind Trips

I spent part of this week in NYC traveling for work – had something like 12 meetings in two days, all productive.  I’m really glad I went, but MAN do I love Chicago so much more.  A while back, one of my friends inferred that in order to advance my career I’d potentially need to move there.  Well, the thought makes me want to dry heave, so I guess that’s not happening.

However – some observations (and also, with how tired I am, the fact that it is almost 4 a.m. and I can’t sleep is unacceptable):

  • Cabs there are SO much better. They all have super fancy credit card machines and make it incredibly easy to pay that way, whereas Chicago is still very much behind the times with that and while some cabs have a more automated process, others will take an imprint of your card like it is 1985 and then steal your info so you have to cancel it.  Jerks.  That being said…
  • In NYC it takes like 56 hours to drive four blocks. I was in Midtown having coffee with my friend who works in the same field but at the NY Post when the Managing Director of our technology partner texted me to meet him for lunch in SoHo in 15 minutes. Yeah, NOT possible.  It took me 30.  BUT we had lunch at Mercer Kitchen, which was excellent.
  • While I was waiting for Jess in Midtown I wandered into an authentic NY deli and got some chicken salad for later, which was the best EVER.
  • NYC is so condensed. A coworker made a good point in that Chicago is a bit more spread out, even downtown. It’s just easier to breathe here.
  • Customer service – not so much. Maybe I just had bad luck with my hotel, which was a very nice property but had questionable service, but I was not impressed.
  • I should probably mention that this is not the first time I’ve been to NYC. I’ve been there a zillion times, however this week’s trip was the first time I spent more than a day there since like, 2006. So I felt like it was my first time there in some ways.
  • Also, I have no idea about neighborhoods or city layout. Though I do have a general sense now, when people told me where to meet them and it which neighborhood, it was lost on me.
  • I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK.

Now if only I could fall back asleep.

Don’t call me, definitely

Last weekend while Melissa and I were visiting Katie in Atlanta, we met some random dude at some random bar on a random Saturday. I don’t know why he was there by himself, but he started talking to us.  Long story short, he took an interest in Katie but he and I exchanged numbers because I insisted he hang out with us later (go go gadget Beer Goggles). He spent the rest of the night texting me about how he wanted to see Katie and would I please tell her that – which was fine. He lives in Atlanta and so does she, not a big deal.

On Sunday, he wound up meeting up with us to watch football, in which he acted entirely too awkward and made us all uncomfortable.

Fast forward to this weekend, he starts texting me saying he wished we could have “hanged out.”  Okay, sorry, no.  First of all, you’re 36.  Learn grammar.  Second of all, I am not going to be your second choice. So after I stopped responding to his inane text messages (example: “hi”) he took it upon himself to call me (a call I ignored). This, right here, is why I will be single FOREVER.

I refuse to be someone’s second choice/fallback/what have you.  I deserve better.

Anatomy of a Boy Band

I’ve loved two boy bands in my life:  New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize they’re the same band.

Allow me to elaborate:

Each band has five members, at least one of which is too old/young to be in a boy band-

NKOTB (current ages):

Donnie Wahlberg (43)
Danny Wood (43)
Jordan Knight (42)
Jonathan Knight (43)
Joey McIntyre (39)

Backstreet Boys:

A. J. McLean (34)
Howie Dorough (39)
Nick Carter (32)
Kevin Richardson (41)
Brian Littrell (37)

Nick and Joey specifically were like 12 when their bands formed and I could have sworn Danny Wood was like 50 when NKOTB was popular but I guess I was wrong.

Now let’s take a glance at two of their most popular songs.

Step by Step, 1990

Let’s go through the formula, shall we:

  • bad fashion  – check. My god, the hair.  MY GOD. And Danny’s sideways hat? Fail.
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Opens with Donnie riding a motorcycle…at some point he is lifting weights.  I’m confused. Isn’t this a love song?
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Step by step — ooh baby, gonna get to you girl.  That’s all well and good, but the rest of the lyrics?
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory and oh my god are they doing the SPRINKLER???
  • slow motion something…
  • rhyming – see lyrics, confusing
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Danny Wood for SURE
  • falsetto – check – Jordan!
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Jordan “playing” the violin (albeit for two seconds, but still)
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???

I Want it That Way, 1999

  • bad fashion  – what is going on with Nick’s pants and Kevin’s trench coat?
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Lots of walking, destination unknown, something about an escalator…
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Am I, your fire, your one desire, yes I know, it’s too late, but I want it that way. Be MORE confusing, thanks.
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory
  • Slow motion walking, dancing, spinning, etc
  • rhyming – I never want to hear you say I want it that way
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Howie for SURE
  • falsetto – one of them…Nick? I don’t know. Maybe Brian
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Lots of pointing and gyrating and hell I don’t know
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???  FANS DO NOT COUNT

So – that is the formula for the upbeat song.  Now we have the love ballad.

It’s obviously required that the cutest most innocent one sings solo:

Please Don’t Go Girl (Joey McIntyre)

OMG he SOUNDS like a girl and he looks like he’s ten.  It came out in 1988, which makes him around 15.  But he seriously looks ten!

And is that a RAT TAIL I see on Jordan?  Good lord, make it stop.

Between the mullets, falsetto’s and sideways hats, we again do not see an ACTUAL GIRL.

And now THIS could not be more staged:

Nick seriously looks like a bell boy.  That outfit…all kinds of awful.

I could actually not be more ashamed of this post, so I’m going to pretend none of this ever happened.

A Lesson in Facebook Status Updates – What Not to Say

Thanks to Facebook’s timeline, we can now see all of our activity on Stalkbook since the first day we joined.

A blessing and a curse, rolled into one.  There’s those who never update, those who post seven things in four minutes, and then of course you have the over-sharers.  While I am guilty of all of the above, I have also seen and posted the most cryptic, passive aggressive status updates imaginable, solely for attention from like, four specific people who never cared, or for others to think, “oh my gosh, she’s sooooo tortured and deep.  I wonder if she thought of that while running through a sunflower field (not really).”

So, without further delay, I present to you (with commentary) my favorite least favorite status updates as a lesson in what not to do!!!

May 21, 2007

having serious concentration issues…HELP!!

May 22, 2007

still having concentration issues — blah

*** I get an F– for basically posting the same status two days in a row.  I know this was about John Doe because it was right after I met him and my head was in the clouds up until the day before my birthday when I came crashing down to Earth and saw him exchange numbers with someone else in front of me.***

June 5, 2007

very very confused

June 6, 2007

uggh

***Continuing with the F–.  Cryptic, meaningless, who cares?***

July 15, 2007

😦

Oct 3, 2007

sulking

November 8, 2007

is playing the waiting game.

***Okay, we can clearly see that I spent 2007 wishing, and hoping, and thinking and praying – to no avail.***

April 30, 2008

is thinking…if you could see, what’s come over me, then you would know

***This is also about John Doe (can we say PATHETIC) and is lyrics from this specific song:***

Although, in this video Vanessa Carlton says the song is supposed to be about letting go, I interpreted it to mean I should try to keep a vice grip on a relationship with the consistency of squeaky foam, but that’s cool.

Oct 14, 2008

is seriously, seriously being punished, clearly for actions in a previous life.

Nov 17, 2008

is check mate!!!!

***Okay, so now we’ve segued into Mr. Titspervert – I don’t know why I was checkmating him.  Probably thought I was beyond cool and bitchy for ignoring him at flag football or not responding to a series of Google IMs until he was all, “oh are you mad at me or something?”  Oh yes, all the power was clearly on my end.  Not.***

Nov 27, 2008

is wooo missed 2am phone calls.

Dec 1, 2008

is getting sucked back in please help kthxbye

Dec 15, 2008

is wondering

Dec 15, 2008

is nevermind I dont want to know

**Okay, really, this is absurd.  Why hasn’t anyone smacked me yet?  We’re back to JD again.  This was also during my period of unemployment so I clearly had nothing better to do with my time.  Oh wait, that was all the time.  Never mind.***

Dec 23, 2008

specifically said no games!! Game OVER asshole.

Dec 30, 2008

is not sure if this is a joke or not.

***We’ve now reached the point where even I don’t know what I was talking about.  I should be proud.  Or ashamed. ***

Oct 8, 2009

FB stalking has its advantages and disadvantages. Today, I lose.

***Again with the cryptic yet beyond obvious status updates…***

Dec 21, 2009

Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab…

***The above status is a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You.  I hope that I was watching it and taking notes.***

Feb 10, 2010

valuable life lessons from the Golden Girls: Blanche: Dorothy has been working with him for 2 whole weeks and he hasn’t asked her out yet…maybe he’s just shy. Rose: Maybe he just doesn’t like her. Thank you, Betty White!

***Yeah so…wish that had occurred to me sooner…***

July 25, 2011

life lessons from Will & Grace: “first, you offered to buy me a drink, and then you made me feel guilty and horrible about myself…THAT’s a date.”

***Was this my way of saying, “hey JD, even though YOU don’t think we ever dated, I beg to differ”?

And finally, the greatest status update EVER, that didn’t come from me, obviously, and came from my friend Brandi:

November 1, 2012
Getting really tired of seeing so many ambiguous posts on FB … This horrible thing happened but I won’t say what, you suck and I hate you but I won’t say who or why … either put your business on the internet or don’t. Stop hinting at the issue just for attention. That is all & have a nice day. 🙂
I really love Facebook because it has allowed me to stay in touch with and/or reconnect with friends I’d never have been able to otherwise.  But there are some things better left unsaid and posted – if you ever have doubts, it is better to err on the side of caution and say something like “O’Doyle Rules!”
That is all.