A Lesson in Facebook Status Updates – What Not to Say

Thanks to Facebook’s timeline, we can now see all of our activity on Stalkbook since the first day we joined.

A blessing and a curse, rolled into one.  There’s those who never update, those who post seven things in four minutes, and then of course you have the over-sharers.  While I am guilty of all of the above, I have also seen and posted the most cryptic, passive aggressive status updates imaginable, solely for attention from like, four specific people who never cared, or for others to think, “oh my gosh, she’s sooooo tortured and deep.  I wonder if she thought of that while running through a sunflower field (not really).”

So, without further delay, I present to you (with commentary) my favorite least favorite status updates as a lesson in what not to do!!!

May 21, 2007

having serious concentration issues…HELP!!

May 22, 2007

still having concentration issues — blah

*** I get an F– for basically posting the same status two days in a row.  I know this was about John Doe because it was right after I met him and my head was in the clouds up until the day before my birthday when I came crashing down to Earth and saw him exchange numbers with someone else in front of me.***

June 5, 2007

very very confused

June 6, 2007


***Continuing with the F–.  Cryptic, meaningless, who cares?***

July 15, 2007


Oct 3, 2007


November 8, 2007

is playing the waiting game.

***Okay, we can clearly see that I spent 2007 wishing, and hoping, and thinking and praying – to no avail.***

April 30, 2008

is thinking…if you could see, what’s come over me, then you would know

***This is also about John Doe (can we say PATHETIC) and is lyrics from this specific song:***

Although, in this video Vanessa Carlton says the song is supposed to be about letting go, I interpreted it to mean I should try to keep a vice grip on a relationship with the consistency of squeaky foam, but that’s cool.

Oct 14, 2008

is seriously, seriously being punished, clearly for actions in a previous life.

Nov 17, 2008

is check mate!!!!

***Okay, so now we’ve segued into Mr. Titspervert – I don’t know why I was checkmating him.  Probably thought I was beyond cool and bitchy for ignoring him at flag football or not responding to a series of Google IMs until he was all, “oh are you mad at me or something?”  Oh yes, all the power was clearly on my end.  Not.***

Nov 27, 2008

is wooo missed 2am phone calls.

Dec 1, 2008

is getting sucked back in please help kthxbye

Dec 15, 2008

is wondering

Dec 15, 2008

is nevermind I dont want to know

**Okay, really, this is absurd.  Why hasn’t anyone smacked me yet?  We’re back to JD again.  This was also during my period of unemployment so I clearly had nothing better to do with my time.  Oh wait, that was all the time.  Never mind.***

Dec 23, 2008

specifically said no games!! Game OVER asshole.

Dec 30, 2008

is not sure if this is a joke or not.

***We’ve now reached the point where even I don’t know what I was talking about.  I should be proud.  Or ashamed. ***

Oct 8, 2009

FB stalking has its advantages and disadvantages. Today, I lose.

***Again with the cryptic yet beyond obvious status updates…***

Dec 21, 2009

Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab…

***The above status is a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You.  I hope that I was watching it and taking notes.***

Feb 10, 2010

valuable life lessons from the Golden Girls: Blanche: Dorothy has been working with him for 2 whole weeks and he hasn’t asked her out yet…maybe he’s just shy. Rose: Maybe he just doesn’t like her. Thank you, Betty White!

***Yeah so…wish that had occurred to me sooner…***

July 25, 2011

life lessons from Will & Grace: “first, you offered to buy me a drink, and then you made me feel guilty and horrible about myself…THAT’s a date.”

***Was this my way of saying, “hey JD, even though YOU don’t think we ever dated, I beg to differ”?

And finally, the greatest status update EVER, that didn’t come from me, obviously, and came from my friend Brandi:

November 1, 2012
Getting really tired of seeing so many ambiguous posts on FB … This horrible thing happened but I won’t say what, you suck and I hate you but I won’t say who or why … either put your business on the internet or don’t. Stop hinting at the issue just for attention. That is all & have a nice day. 🙂
I really love Facebook because it has allowed me to stay in touch with and/or reconnect with friends I’d never have been able to otherwise.  But there are some things better left unsaid and posted – if you ever have doubts, it is better to err on the side of caution and say something like “O’Doyle Rules!”
That is all.

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