Anatomy of a Boy Band

I’ve loved two boy bands in my life:  New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize they’re the same band.

Allow me to elaborate:

Each band has five members, at least one of which is too old/young to be in a boy band-

NKOTB (current ages):

Donnie Wahlberg (43)
Danny Wood (43)
Jordan Knight (42)
Jonathan Knight (43)
Joey McIntyre (39)

Backstreet Boys:

A. J. McLean (34)
Howie Dorough (39)
Nick Carter (32)
Kevin Richardson (41)
Brian Littrell (37)

Nick and Joey specifically were like 12 when their bands formed and I could have sworn Danny Wood was like 50 when NKOTB was popular but I guess I was wrong.

Now let’s take a glance at two of their most popular songs.

Step by Step, 1990

Let’s go through the formula, shall we:

  • bad fashion  – check. My god, the hair.  MY GOD. And Danny’s sideways hat? Fail.
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Opens with Donnie riding a motorcycle…at some point he is lifting weights.  I’m confused. Isn’t this a love song?
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Step by step — ooh baby, gonna get to you girl.  That’s all well and good, but the rest of the lyrics?
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory and oh my god are they doing the SPRINKLER???
  • slow motion something…
  • rhyming – see lyrics, confusing
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Danny Wood for SURE
  • falsetto – check – Jordan!
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Jordan “playing” the violin (albeit for two seconds, but still)
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???

I Want it That Way, 1999

  • bad fashion  – what is going on with Nick’s pants and Kevin’s trench coat?
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Lots of walking, destination unknown, something about an escalator…
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Am I, your fire, your one desire, yes I know, it’s too late, but I want it that way. Be MORE confusing, thanks.
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory
  • Slow motion walking, dancing, spinning, etc
  • rhyming – I never want to hear you say I want it that way
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Howie for SURE
  • falsetto – one of them…Nick? I don’t know. Maybe Brian
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Lots of pointing and gyrating and hell I don’t know
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???  FANS DO NOT COUNT

So – that is the formula for the upbeat song.  Now we have the love ballad.

It’s obviously required that the cutest most innocent one sings solo:

Please Don’t Go Girl (Joey McIntyre)

OMG he SOUNDS like a girl and he looks like he’s ten.  It came out in 1988, which makes him around 15.  But he seriously looks ten!

And is that a RAT TAIL I see on Jordan?  Good lord, make it stop.

Between the mullets, falsetto’s and sideways hats, we again do not see an ACTUAL GIRL.

And now THIS could not be more staged:

Nick seriously looks like a bell boy.  That outfit…all kinds of awful.

I could actually not be more ashamed of this post, so I’m going to pretend none of this ever happened.

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