My friend Susan, recently back in the dating scene, received the most hilariously inappropriately horrific OKCupid message over the weekend that I insisted on sharing it with my four loyal blog readers. The only thing you need to know is that this is the first message he’s writing her.
I am of course posting this with my own commentary and per usual the shoddy grammar is NOT MINE. So without further adieu:
Hey I’m here in (city redacted) visiting for the holiday and I have a huge house to myself, well except for this lazy dog next to me.
Congratulations? I guess? I’ve already lost interest, but please, continue.
You should do something spontaneous like come over drink a bottle of wine…or two (I think you’re missing a word in there, compadre) and we can see what happens. Maybe we make out maybe more.
Nothing says lead story on Dateline than making a decision like that, so I’m inclined to pass.
Your up for an adventure, right?
Grammar fail alert, code 5! Delete, delete, delete.
I’d really like to know what your lips taste like.
I don’t know what MINE taste like, but YOURS are going to taste like blood pretty soon there Rico Suave.
Have you ever had an orgasm so intense you couldn’t stop shaking?
Um, yeah, so here’s the thing – this is not a 1990’s phone sex line, we are not watching Cinemax at midnight on a Saturday and furthermore that is just INAPPROPRIATE! Where are your manners, sir?
My goal for the evening is to help you experience that.
That’s funny, my goal for the evening is to forward this message to all my friends and blog about it.
Let’s let this random unexpected message from me be the catalyst for an amazing night and something to look back on when life goes back to normal after the holiday.
There is not enough grain alcohol in the world that would make me okay with that.
I think we have the potential to have a memorable night. Let’s not let that chance evaporate away.
Easy, there, Nicholas Sparks.
Yes, I am trying to seduce you.
Oh you are? The previous question about the orgasm made that unclear.
So, the next time anyone asks me why I’ve given up on internet dating, well now you have your answer.