Anatomy of a Boy Band

I’ve loved two boy bands in my life:  New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize they’re the same band.

Allow me to elaborate:

Each band has five members, at least one of which is too old/young to be in a boy band-

NKOTB (current ages):

Donnie Wahlberg (43)
Danny Wood (43)
Jordan Knight (42)
Jonathan Knight (43)
Joey McIntyre (39)

Backstreet Boys:

A. J. McLean (34)
Howie Dorough (39)
Nick Carter (32)
Kevin Richardson (41)
Brian Littrell (37)

Nick and Joey specifically were like 12 when their bands formed and I could have sworn Danny Wood was like 50 when NKOTB was popular but I guess I was wrong.

Now let’s take a glance at two of their most popular songs.

Step by Step, 1990

Let’s go through the formula, shall we:

  • bad fashion  – check. My god, the hair.  MY GOD. And Danny’s sideways hat? Fail.
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Opens with Donnie riding a motorcycle…at some point he is lifting weights.  I’m confused. Isn’t this a love song?
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Step by step — ooh baby, gonna get to you girl.  That’s all well and good, but the rest of the lyrics?
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory and oh my god are they doing the SPRINKLER???
  • slow motion something…
  • rhyming – see lyrics, confusing
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Danny Wood for SURE
  • falsetto – check – Jordan!
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Jordan “playing” the violin (albeit for two seconds, but still)
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???

I Want it That Way, 1999

  • bad fashion  – what is going on with Nick’s pants and Kevin’s trench coat?
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Lots of walking, destination unknown, something about an escalator…
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Am I, your fire, your one desire, yes I know, it’s too late, but I want it that way. Be MORE confusing, thanks.
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory
  • Slow motion walking, dancing, spinning, etc
  • rhyming – I never want to hear you say I want it that way
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Howie for SURE
  • falsetto – one of them…Nick? I don’t know. Maybe Brian
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Lots of pointing and gyrating and hell I don’t know
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???  FANS DO NOT COUNT

So – that is the formula for the upbeat song.  Now we have the love ballad.

It’s obviously required that the cutest most innocent one sings solo:

Please Don’t Go Girl (Joey McIntyre)

OMG he SOUNDS like a girl and he looks like he’s ten.  It came out in 1988, which makes him around 15.  But he seriously looks ten!

And is that a RAT TAIL I see on Jordan?  Good lord, make it stop.

Between the mullets, falsetto’s and sideways hats, we again do not see an ACTUAL GIRL.

And now THIS could not be more staged:

Nick seriously looks like a bell boy.  That outfit…all kinds of awful.

I could actually not be more ashamed of this post, so I’m going to pretend none of this ever happened.


A Lesson in Facebook Status Updates – What Not to Say

Thanks to Facebook’s timeline, we can now see all of our activity on Stalkbook since the first day we joined.

A blessing and a curse, rolled into one.  There’s those who never update, those who post seven things in four minutes, and then of course you have the over-sharers.  While I am guilty of all of the above, I have also seen and posted the most cryptic, passive aggressive status updates imaginable, solely for attention from like, four specific people who never cared, or for others to think, “oh my gosh, she’s sooooo tortured and deep.  I wonder if she thought of that while running through a sunflower field (not really).”

So, without further delay, I present to you (with commentary) my favorite least favorite status updates as a lesson in what not to do!!!

May 21, 2007

having serious concentration issues…HELP!!

May 22, 2007

still having concentration issues — blah

*** I get an F– for basically posting the same status two days in a row.  I know this was about John Doe because it was right after I met him and my head was in the clouds up until the day before my birthday when I came crashing down to Earth and saw him exchange numbers with someone else in front of me.***

June 5, 2007

very very confused

June 6, 2007


***Continuing with the F–.  Cryptic, meaningless, who cares?***

July 15, 2007


Oct 3, 2007


November 8, 2007

is playing the waiting game.

***Okay, we can clearly see that I spent 2007 wishing, and hoping, and thinking and praying – to no avail.***

April 30, 2008

is thinking…if you could see, what’s come over me, then you would know

***This is also about John Doe (can we say PATHETIC) and is lyrics from this specific song:***

Although, in this video Vanessa Carlton says the song is supposed to be about letting go, I interpreted it to mean I should try to keep a vice grip on a relationship with the consistency of squeaky foam, but that’s cool.

Oct 14, 2008

is seriously, seriously being punished, clearly for actions in a previous life.

Nov 17, 2008

is check mate!!!!

***Okay, so now we’ve segued into Mr. Titspervert – I don’t know why I was checkmating him.  Probably thought I was beyond cool and bitchy for ignoring him at flag football or not responding to a series of Google IMs until he was all, “oh are you mad at me or something?”  Oh yes, all the power was clearly on my end.  Not.***

Nov 27, 2008

is wooo missed 2am phone calls.

Dec 1, 2008

is getting sucked back in please help kthxbye

Dec 15, 2008

is wondering

Dec 15, 2008

is nevermind I dont want to know

**Okay, really, this is absurd.  Why hasn’t anyone smacked me yet?  We’re back to JD again.  This was also during my period of unemployment so I clearly had nothing better to do with my time.  Oh wait, that was all the time.  Never mind.***

Dec 23, 2008

specifically said no games!! Game OVER asshole.

Dec 30, 2008

is not sure if this is a joke or not.

***We’ve now reached the point where even I don’t know what I was talking about.  I should be proud.  Or ashamed. ***

Oct 8, 2009

FB stalking has its advantages and disadvantages. Today, I lose.

***Again with the cryptic yet beyond obvious status updates…***

Dec 21, 2009

Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab…

***The above status is a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You.  I hope that I was watching it and taking notes.***

Feb 10, 2010

valuable life lessons from the Golden Girls: Blanche: Dorothy has been working with him for 2 whole weeks and he hasn’t asked her out yet…maybe he’s just shy. Rose: Maybe he just doesn’t like her. Thank you, Betty White!

***Yeah so…wish that had occurred to me sooner…***

July 25, 2011

life lessons from Will & Grace: “first, you offered to buy me a drink, and then you made me feel guilty and horrible about myself…THAT’s a date.”

***Was this my way of saying, “hey JD, even though YOU don’t think we ever dated, I beg to differ”?

And finally, the greatest status update EVER, that didn’t come from me, obviously, and came from my friend Brandi:

November 1, 2012
Getting really tired of seeing so many ambiguous posts on FB … This horrible thing happened but I won’t say what, you suck and I hate you but I won’t say who or why … either put your business on the internet or don’t. Stop hinting at the issue just for attention. That is all & have a nice day. 🙂
I really love Facebook because it has allowed me to stay in touch with and/or reconnect with friends I’d never have been able to otherwise.  But there are some things better left unsaid and posted – if you ever have doubts, it is better to err on the side of caution and say something like “O’Doyle Rules!”
That is all.

And the light goes off

Thanks to Sonia for tweeting me the link to this brilliant xoJane post about blind dates. But it’s not JUST about how no one goes on blind dates anymore (do they??) – what jumped out the most for me is the following:

The problem? The pesky Internet. No one is going on blind dates anymore because 62% of singles research their dates online before meeting them. Which makes sense when I think about the fact that a guy asked me to dinner a few weeks ago while I was having a drink at a bar. I gave him my card, but then he never called. My best guess? He Googled me.  

Okay, well there you have it. Obviously I’m single because any potential date (not that I’ve had any in…a while) can Google me and get to one of maybe five places:

1) This blog, where the name alone is probably off putting enough. But then if they read it -game over!

2) My inane Twitter ramblings in which I mainly post about the following:

  • Ohio State cheating
  • Why the White Sox should resign A.J. Pierzynski
  • Jay Cutler
  • Vegas
  • Why I hate LeBron James
  • that if Mitt Romney gets elected, I am moving to Toronto

3) One of the 8675309 blogs I contribute to where they will undoubtedly realize that when it comes to sports (okay everything) I’m a shrill lunatic.

4) The inane and uninformed field hockey recaps I wrote when interning at Villanova.

5) Something I wrote seven years ago that probably sucks (see #4)

And yes, I am too afraid to Google myself to see what suggestions come up (okay, I just did it, the only thing that comes up is “reva friedel twitter” so that’s not so bad.

If a potential date Googles me and is scared off, well then it wouldn’t have worked anyway.  Gone are the days where I try to be someone else.  It’s me as me or nothing, sorry fellas.  (What is that uproar of cheering I just heard??)


oops I did it again

I’m working on a killer blog post right now but in the interim I have nothing to talk about – so I will leave you with some more nonsense from HeTexted.

This person gets an A+ in Passive Aggression 101:


So now she’s wondering…


We’ve been off and on for almost 11 months and I don’t know if he wants to take it to the next level. He is significantly older than me so we have different life styles so I don’t know how he truly feels
Understandably, there were very few responses to this post because the girl is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  This response about says it all:

So… you live in a different town & have limited time to spend with your boyfriend and instead of spending that time with him, you chose to hang out with 2 other dudes instead? And you really can’t figure out how he truly feels about it?

He’s mad at you, and he has every right to be. You seem clueless & insensitive. If I was dating someone & he chose to hang out with 2 other girls rather than me, I’d rip him a new asshole. You say he’s older than you, so he probably has no patience with little girls wasting his time with BS like this.

Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is – if you’re not making him/her your priority, then don’t wonder why they’re mad at you.  This is NOT rocket science, people.