The OKCupid Fails Continue

imagesNo, not me, Susan again. This girl is giving me enough blog material for eternity.

She forwarded me these gems last night and today, and per usual I invite you to please enjoy my accompanying commentary.

I would first like to point out that the first gentleman’s profile indicates that he lives in the UK, otherwise known as the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. So, not sure that’s feasible to begin with – but then you look at his message and it’s like – fail after fail after fail. Like other entries of this nature, this is a cut and paste job – grammatical eye-bleeds are NOT mine. So without further adieu:

Hello princess,I was just looking at ur profile and When I saw your pic I found my self looking at one of the most beautiful lady.

Grammar fail on like seven levels.

But I am not sure how come such a beautiful lady like you can be single and why? Are you sure you are for real? Basically you are the most beautiful thing my eyes has ever seen in my life.

Yes I am for real (or in this case, Susan is) and unless you’re a chimney, please stop blowing smoke.

And now a bit about me! I do work as a police officer and have another job as a night hotel manager and I do study aviation to become a pilot.

Grammar fail x2, possibly x3. 

And I am single for over a year now and no kids unfortunately.

Yeah, so here’s the thing – it is great that you want kids, but being upset about not having them yet is not something to throw in an initial message on an online dating site.

I love travelling as I have been around over 22 countries so far. I hope u have a good day and hope to hear back from you soon.

Nemo.Xx

Sorry, Nemo, but I don’t think she’s going to try and find you.

Next up, we have the gentleman who messaged her four times in a row and never got a response to any of them:

12:23 AM:

 Wow ur like to good to b true:)
What is with all these guys using “ur” instead of the your or you’re? Like it’s that hard to type 2-3 extra letters? This isn’t a Nokia text message from 1998.
My name is Jason. I really enjoyed reading ur profile, especially how u chose a book #1 over ur phone#4…wow u appear to have depth:)
OKCupid asks you to list five things you can’t live without. Sure a smartphone could be on the list but some people were reading before they had a phone. Just an FYI, Jason.
I see ur online now so i’ll cut this short tryin to catch ya
Good luck!
12:28 AM:
its been too long since u went to a hockey game, atleast gotta experience a monarchs game here in manch…
Barf, barf, and did I mention, BARF? At least form a complete sentence, please.
12:29 AM:
i love fresh seafood too!
A new message a minute later? Really?
1:40 PM:
Hello miss:) hope ur day is well:)
And now I am sorry to say that you’ve been blocked.
And finally we have Bachelor #3 – and his response to Susan’s attempt to be polite:
12:55 AM:
you are a sexy ginger. makes me sad that you live so far away
This particular stud happens to live in NY. Susan lives in New Hampshire.
11:30 AM (Susan trying to be polite):
Thank you. Hope you have a good day.
12:01 PM:
ohhhh good  message lol. I’ll spice it up a little bit. I might need to see you in boy shorts 🙂
WTF is wrong with this dude? We don’t need to be spicing anything up before we’ve, you know, MET IN PERSON? And the boy shorts comments is super odd and not something I want to delve into.
I would like to think these messages are the exceptions rather than the rule, unfortunately, based on the emails I’ve gotten from her lately, that is not the case at all. But at least it gives us all a laugh.
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My top 12 Photos of 2012

So, unless I unexpectedly run into one of the following people in Vegas and am able to get a picture taken with them, I think this collection of photos is pretty final:

  • Bill Hader (seriously love him)
  • Ken Dorsey (do not judge me for being stuck in 2002)
  • Jay Cutler (I don’t know)
  • Aaron Rodgers (Swoon)

These are in chronological order, FYI, and first up we have the gem Courtney took of me very early in the morning on January 1st, when I was reaching to get my camera back:

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Don’t I look so demure?

Up next, three photos from Cabo San Lucas in January, where we celebrated Jim & Laura’s wedding.

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I love this picture – the resort was beautiful and the weather was basically perfect. It was an amazing trip. I managed to snag this gem after the wedding ceremony:

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And then got in a sunset shot on the last night (can you hear me weeping yet?):

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Next up is a sunrise in Palm Springs. I went there in March for a work conference and couldn’t sleep for most of it, so at least I got a good picture out of it:

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An entertaining stop sign in Champaign, IL:

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This photo of me and #54 was taken the day after my birthday. So nice of him to come out and hang with us:

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Then we have a night White Sox game in June. I love the color of the sky:

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My very first Instagram photo, taken at Rangers stadium at the end of July:

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And then this amazing accidental photo that Cassie took of me and A.J. Pierzynski. A woman whose daughter also wanted to get a picture with him was informing me that I had hair in my face when Cassie captured this gem:

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A bottle of wine dedicated to my love life:

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And finally, as Sarah and I continue on with our “watch every season of the original 90210” project, we continue to be baffled by what anyone ever saw in Emily Valentine:

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2012 has been a year of fun – between Mexico and baseball trips and finally Vegas tomorrow since I haven’t been in a year and a half, I am looking forward to what 2013 has in store for me both personally and professionally.

In Defense of Love Actually (and I can’t believe I have to write this)

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My brother-in-law, Shane, who has had to suffer through my sister and I’s obsession with Love Actually, sent me a link to this article on Salon.com, in which one Mary Elizabeth Williams proclaims that it is the worst Christmas movie ever.

Her arguments are so poor, however, that I could not just read the article, stew in anger, silently curse her and move on. Oh no. So I now present to you point-counter point, or as I like to call it, “Bitch, please!”

Point: With the exception of Bill Nighy’s witty plotline about an aging pop star’s attempt to secure the coveted Christmas No. 1 hit, every one of the 85 other stories in the movie involves some horrible lesson out of the battle of the sexes playbook. If you were an alien watching “Love, Actually,” you would come to the conclusion that what human British men really, really want are hot chicks who fetch them tea, put up with their dalliances, and don’t speak English.

Bitch, Please: FIRST of all, that is ludicrous. Mark does not love Juliette because she ever brought him tea. And your only mention of THAT story line is a fleeting insult, when to me that is the saddest and truest and not at all the “demoralizing, misogynistic holiday twaddle” you call it. Furthermore, Prime Minister what’s his name is instantly attracted to the British Monica Lewinsky before she ever brings him tea. It’s also part of her fucking job, lady, she’s not doing it to win him over. In fact, it’s part of Aurelia’s job as well. She was HIRED to be Jamie’s housekeeper. And she doesn’t speak English because she fucking lives in Portugal.

Point: Which of the many story lines is most likely to make a reasonable human want to get drunk on lighter fluid? There’s Colin Firth’s – the one about a man who, betrayed by his cheating girlfriend, flees the country and immediately falls for his mug-brandishing Portuguese housekeeper. So pretty! So uncommunicative! And she has hot beverages! See also: the Hugh Grant story line, in which the prime minister falls for the assistant who brings him tea. Seriously, what is with you dudes? Do you not know how to boil water?

Bitch, Please: Were YOU too busy getting drunk on lighter fluid to notice that they WERE trying to communicate? And they only fucking learned each other’s language just in cases. The Hugh Grant story line does not revolve around tea. What’s with this tea argument? It does not hold water. (See what I did there?)

Point: There’s also the Alan Rickman story line, about the married man tempted by the unbelievably predatory secretary, and the heartbroken wife (Emma Thompson) faced with the choice to “stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse.” There’s the Laura Linney one, about the noble woman who can’t be with the man she loves because she has to care for her mentally ill brother. And doesn’t that make an interesting contrast to the Liam Neeson plot, in which a very recent widower is rewarded for his emotional pain by hooking up with Claudia Schiffer. Claudia Schiffer!! There’s also Kris Marshall’s, in which a lonely, goofy-looking Brit flies to America to dazzle the ladies solely on the basis of his Britishness – and immediately scores a pile of insanely hot babes. And yet they call crap like this a “chick flick.” I’ve seen less depressing Michael Haneke movies.

Bitch, Please: I’ll start with Alan Rickman. Mia throws herself at him, legs open, like the predator that you call her. So I do agree with you there. However, I believe the point of that whole plot is that she is, in fact, an aggressive hoe, and he would have just continued on with his dull marriage had she not flung herself at him. It was never about love, and affairs happen and sometimes women instigate them. I don’t know what to tell you. Sometimes people are shitty.

Next – Laura Linney. She actively chooses to not be with Hottie McHot. She could if she wanted to, and she chooses to care for her brother. It was a hard decision, but she made it, and it sucks, and has nothing to do with Liam Neeson and Claudia Schiffer. That was just a joke. Were you not paying attention during his eulogy? Geez, lady, not everything is about the guys coming out on top here. Mark doesn’t. Alan Rickman doesn’t. Hottie McHot doesn’t. And sometimes in life you have to choose family over love, which is why Laura Linney doesn’t, either.

Next – Colin. Um, it’s in the movie because it’s true. We American ladies are suckers for British/Scottish/Australian accents. I’ve always said that part of the movie would be insulting if it were not 1000% true.

Point: You’d be hard-pressed to find another movie – holiday or otherwise – that makes the case so convincingly for how miserable the lives of women truly are, and how all fired up awesome it is to be a man.

Bitch, Please: First of all – Keira Knightly is loved by two hot men. Laura Linney was always miserable. Natalie ends up with the fucking Prime Minster. Second of all: Snow White? Sleeping Beauty? Cinderella? Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Taming of the Shrew? All of those movies are way more convincing in your quest to find a movie that makes the case that women’s lives are miserable.

You, ma’am, do not know what you are talking about and the foundation of your argument is based on TEA. And that, actually, is ludicrous. Good day to you.

Movie Review: Playing for Keeps

MV5BMTY1MTU1OTA5NF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNTM1MTQyOA@@._V1._SY317_I saw Playing for Keeps the weekend before last with Katie and Sarah. I had seen an ad for it and was originally sold because it is roughly two hours of listening to Gerard Butler’s Scottish accent.

Unfortunately, my friends, that is pretty much all the movie has going for it. It throws cliché after cliché at you and expects you to buy it as realistic.

For example: Butler is a washed up former soccer champion who can barely pay his bills (okay that IS realistic, but still).

He retreats to some no name town in Virginia to be near his son and ex, Jessica Biel, who of COURSE is now engaged to someone else.

Butler winds up coaching his son’s soccer team and that’s when you start cringing. He has soccer mom’s flinging themselves at him left and right – neglected, bored, and horny, they feel he is a perfect escape from their otherwise boring lives.

I mean, are you kidding me with this? There is not one ounce of authenticity in this movie, from the dysfunctional relationship he was with his son to falling back in love with Jessica Biel and having everything tie up at the end into one neat, lovely, unrealistic and eye-roll inducing bow.

Save the money you would have spent in the theater and use it to buy whipped cream flavored vodka, hot chocolate and a movie from Red Box.

Vegas, Baby

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Even though what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, with me going there in one week for Christmas, I wanted to recap my previous trips – at least the parts that are publishable.

Trip 1: June 2006

Occasion: Bachelorette Party

Hotel: Tropicana

Highlights: Having a 38-year old balding man that I’d be hotter if I lost weight. Having random guys buy us drinks at Ghost Bar. Having a table of men at Ghost Bar invite us to join them while buying us a bottle of $300 champagne. Having to tell the bachelorette they were not inviting us back to our suite to be nice and that we should skedaddle. It was also about 120-degrees the whole time we were there. Even though it was the least amount of fun I’ve ever had there, I still fell in love.

Trip 2: March 2007

Occasion: Moving to Chicago, stopping en route from San Diego

Hotel: the Palms

Highlights: Our room was pretty awesome and trying to watch my mom figure out the penny slots was hilarious. My going away party in San Diego had been the night before so I was fairly hungover. We got to the hotel, gambled for a bit and then went to bed. But it was the most comfortable bed ever.

Trip 3: June 2009

Occasion: Melissa’s 30th birthday

Hotel: Stratosphere (NEVER stay there)

Highlights: Watching Fat Elvis sing. Having a blast. Laughing a ton. Gambling. Sun bathing. SO MUCH FUN.

Trip 4: April 2010

Occasion: Bachelorette Party

Hotel: Mandalay Bay

Highlights: On the plane ride there, having a random dude buy me drinks the whole flight. Playing flip cup by the pool. 85-degree weather. Winning $340 on the slots. Going to a club with an amazing group. Being up until 4am,

Trip 5: December 2010

Occasion: Christmas w/my brother

Hotel: Bally’s

Highlights: Relaxing, low key trip, winning $600 playing black jack and pai gow.

Trip 6: May 2011

Occasion: My 30th birthday

Hotel: MGM Grand

Highlights: Pool time, Ghost Bar, watching the sun rise, being with my amazing friends…have I mentioned that I LOVE VEGAS???