No one likes a whiny bitch


I wrote this piece today for Awful Announcing in regards to the whiny Duke bitch who complained about how she was treated during last week’s Duke vs. Miami game. The game was in Coral Gables.

Michelle Picon went to Duke undergrad but is a Miami grad student and was sitting in the student section wearing Duke gear. I’m not sure what she was expecting to happen, but any non-uppity, non-self important bitch would KNOW that when you wear the away team’s gear on the home team’s turf, you’re not exactly going to get a warm welcome from the fan base.

Here are just of the few things Duke fans have done to visiting teams and their fans – but you wouldn’t know it reading the letter Picon wrote to the Duke Chronicle. The way she portrays it, Duke fans are nothing but the most exemplary of fans that never offend or heckle the opposing team. Yeah. Right.

In the ultimate show of hypocrisy, the self-proclaimed Cameron Crazies can dish it out but certainly can not take it.

Listen, I moaned and whined and claimed outrage over how we were treated in Columbus when we invaded the town in our Miami gear for the UM/OSU game. We got completely blasted by the Buckeyes, so not only did we have to deal with the loss, but we had to deal with very much being kicked while we were down.

So yeah, when the wounds were fresh back in September of 2010, I was pissed off. But you really have to have a thick skin when you’re a sports fan. That’s just the way it is. Suck it up.

I am of course not condoning any of the violence that happens outside stadiums, what with people getting stabbed, shot and beaten.

It’s just a game, people. Yes, it’s a game we’re vehemently passionate about, but is it worth stabbing a fan of the opposing team over it? Will that make your team win? Are those good manners or bad manners?

In any case, Picon did her school and fan base NO FAVORS by basically living up to every single stereotype that comes with attending Duke.



Ten points for creativity

I am no longer testing the gator-infested waters of online dating, but Susan, bless her heart, is. Though, the dating scene in Chicago and New Hampshire are vastly different, I’d imagine, she just got the funniest, most creative message ever. It actually made me laugh out loud.


After a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know that I have decided to marry and divorce you inside my mind.

Thanks for all the imaginary memories. You will always have a special place in my heart.

Your Ex-Hubby,


P.S. I get to keep the beach house in Florida. You can keep the over weight cat.

I mean – is that not hysterical? It takes the all the pressure of meeting someone completely out of the picture. It’s saying “hey – you’re cool, and we might get along, but nothing in life is guaranteed.” Or something. At least, that’s how I am reading it. Sometimes things end, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun during. I don’t know, I’m tired.

The reason this message is so cool is that it also doesn’t include any of the normal boilerplate shit that people put in first messages: hey, I went to Ohio State, I love biking, I’m a software engineer and every March I go to Mexico with my Delta Tau Delta frat bros.

(For example)

Anyway, bravo to this dude, for proving that it’s okay if we don’t take ourselves too seriously.



What to do when you don’t care about either team in the Super Bowl


Your options are as follows:

  1. Skip watching the game altogether and host a Sex and the City wine viewing party.
  2. Go to each team’s roster and add up the number of players who went to your alma mater plus the school you transferred from and whichever team’s total is higher that’s the team you root for. Active players only – no practice squad, folks.
  3. When you realize the result is a 3-3 tie, come up with a tiebreaker – root for the team with the fewest players from Ohio State (or whichever school you hate the most). In this case the Ravens are the clear winner: 0 to SF’s 4.
  4. Run this scientific formula by a random jackass 49ers fan who will tell you it sucks and the Ravens are going to get blown out.
  5. Realize that thousands of people are spending the entire week in New Orleans promoting and covering this game from more angles than the Kama Sutra. Again begin to philosophize the importance of sports and why we invest so much time, money, energy and emotion into them.

I’m not saying sports aren’t important – on numerous levels, they are. But when you’re NFL team got bitch slapped out of the playoffs (even after a 10-6 season), it’s easy to be bitter and uninterested. Will I watch it anyway? Of course – if for nothing else – the commercials will be interesting and hopefully not awful.

On the bright side, no matter what happens, it can’t be as excruciating as the 2008 Super Bowl where the Patriots botched 19-0 and then of course last year when the Giants once AGAIN had their number. There is something to be said for being able to watch a sporting event stress-free.


Don’t get too excited

Jezebel has an interesting post about the dangers of getting too excited after a first date – and I went in expecting the writer to talk about what I usually do – have an amazing first date and then mentally plan your life together, wedding and all.

My dad and stepmother are visiting this weekend – at some of the restaurants I’ve taken them, my dad has asked me, “how did you find out about this place?” And my response was mostly, “Oh, I had a bad first date here.” It is so much easier to have bad first dates, apparently, because I’ve had tons of them.

One guy started talking about our wedding; um, HELLO, you can think it but don’t say it out loud – even I know that.

One guy launched into, “so, how and when did your last relationship end?” NOT A FIRST DATE CONVERSATION, BUDDY.

I could go on and on but I won’t bore you with the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully mated a bull with a duck! (if you don’t get the reference, I can’t help you)

I guess when I went to read the post I assumed it would not end the way it did – that this particular chickadee imagined a life of meaningless sex with a newly divorced man and it turned out he didn’t have the emotional capacity and his apartment was a dump.

Don’t I feel silly.

What I really think of Notre Dame

This is what I used to think of Notre Dame: It’s was America’s school. The benchmark for Catholicism and greatness, located in idyllic South Bend, IN, it was known for its excellence both in the classroom and on the field/court/pool, whatever. I had high school friends who applied there just to say they had – that they would even consider Notre Dame must mean they were striving for the same level of excellence the school is known for. Everyone wanted to go there, teach there, play there, donate to there and be part of that reputation.


Why do we idolize athletes? Both college and professional? Because they represent us. We grow up rooting for our home town NFL teams (for those of us who had them) or the team our parents grew up rooting for – and because of that, these athletes represent us. If they win, it means we win, our city wins, we’re above the losing team and city. We feel glorious and validated and hopeful. If they lose, we hurt with them and feel morose and start pointing fingers. We lost because of bad play calling. We lost because of poor clock management. The offensive coordinator is a douche bag.

Finding the right college is hard. We strive to find the perfect combination of location (after all, you’re there for the next four years) academics, opportunities, Greek life, and athletics. Potential athletes are wined and dined and everyone’s effort goes in to convincing them your school is better than my school. Non-athletes go through campus tours and talking to current and former students. How much financial aid will I get? Will I still be paying for this degree when I’m 65? How will this school look on my resume?

And then we choose. And the first thing that happens when you get there is football. Take the incoming freshman to a football game so they can see what the school is all about. The players aren’t just students. As a team, they shoulder the school’s reputation – if they win, we win, if they lose, we lose. Losing means criticism from ESPN on down to the dorm newsletter. And so we win and lose with them. And maybe that’s why people will go to extreme lengths to protect the athletes, and by proxy, the school’s reputation.

This isn’t about me, but I am going to use myself as an example.

I am originally from New Hampshire. The only school that I thought about going to when growing up was Michigan, because my mom went there. Then, when it was actually time to pick, I wanted to go south. I wanted a break from brutal New England winters. And so, I ultimately chose the University of Miami. It sits in the middle of Coral Gables, a lush campus with palm trees lining the entrance. I picked it for that reason, knowing nothing about the football team. I lasted two years there. I was miserable, the girl walking around campus in jeans and a long sleeve shirt because I was so self-conscious about my body. I felt like I was at a day spa rather than a college. I longed for something more normal. And so I transferred to the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign in the fall of 2001. A school that could not have been more different. That was the season Miami started its undefeated run. And because I was at a new school and lonely, I latched on to that success, that greatness, as if I were still a part of that school. Because even though I left, I still had friends there and memories there and was a part of something there vs. that first semester at U of I when I struggled like I could never have imagined. So I rode the coat tails of a perfect season all the way to the Rose Bowl because it gave me something to focus on and made me feel special, important, and bonded with everyone else who was still there.

We spend months dissecting a season. When it’s over, we start planning for the next one. It’s our school and those are our players and we want to be represented by winners, not losers.

So when they lose, the excuses come out. And when the players fuck up, the excuses come out.

Which brings me back to Notre Dame and this whole Manti Te’o fiasco with the fake dead girlfriend.

While I am not sure what to believe in terms of how it happened and who is behind it, I do not, for one second, believe Te’o to be the victim in all of this.

Pat Forde, of Yahoo Sports, who I do respect, wrote a column in which he believes Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick’s declaration that Te’o was duped:

Chin quivering and voice catching, the Notre Dame athletic director fought emotion in describing Manti Te’o as “the single most trusting individual I have ever met.” 

Yeah, whatever dude.

Forde also writes:

Swarbrick says a private investigator hired by Notre Dame to look into the matter has evidence that Te’o was victimized by individuals who invented an online girl and engaged her in a relationship with the player. Due to privacy concerns, the school is not in a position to release that evidence, but hopefully Te’o will provide some documentation that corroborates what Swarbrick said.

Te’o must also explain why he said he met Lennay Kekua, when that apparently never happened. He must explain why his father, Brian, also said the two met. He must explain why, if he felt for this dying girl the way he reportedly did, he never left the Notre Dame campus to be with her near the end – not at the hospital, not at the grave. He must explain why he went along with the storyline instead of publicly correcting the record, even after telling his coaches and Swarbrick about the hoax on Dec. 26.

Here is what I think: I think Te’o was a part of this whole thing – who dates someone for three years and NEVER meets them, but says they met? Your team plays Stanford every year where your alleged girlfriend goes and you’ve never met her?

Outkick the Coverage makes some excellent points about this:


If you believe there is a straight man on earth not currently in prison who has a three-year exclusively online relationship, then you’re a damn fool.


There’s just no way this actually happens.

Especially for a college kid who happens to be the best player on a football mad campus.

Exactly – when he probably had thousands of options, why would he pick someone in Palo Alto that he never sees?

Which brings me to their next point:

What’s more, she purportedly canceled several face-to-face meetings with him. At some point if you’re remotely intelligent — or even just a horny college student — don’t you start to question a relationship when your online girlfriend won’t meet you?

I don’t know if Te’o made her up so he could fake her death and triumph in football for the feel-good emotional story of the year. The media was falling all over themselves to laud him with praises and now they’re failing all over themselves to beat this to death and find the truth and Jack Swarbrick is crying over a fake dead girl versus an actual dead girl.


Which brings me to how I NOW feel about Notre Dame: I feel nothing but disgust over an AD that is crying and claiming his football player is a victim, when he said NOTHING about Lizzy Seeberg, the St.Mary’s student who committed suicide after being sexually assaulted by a Notre Dame football player. It can’t be that he’s not crying because she didn’t go to Notre Dame. The fake dead girlfriend went to Stanford. It’s because Notre Dame will do anything and everything to protect their precious football program and players, no matter how horrific their actions.

I love that the team was curb stomped by Alabama. I love that their egos were flattened. I have nothing but disgust for a school that has scrambled to hide multiple sexual assaults (hello, Notre Dame? Do you REALLY want to be compared to Penn State?) but claims one of the football players is the victim of a scam. And if Te’o was really fooled, who has that kind of TIME, to create a fake person and keep that façade going for three years?

I hate that Notre Dame is now scrambling to protect their own players when they refused to protect victims of sexual assault. Because when your football team shoulders your reputation, you’ll do anything to protect it. And that, maybe, is the saddest thing of all.

I’ve had it with you people

disappointedinyou[7]It started, for me, on a cold-ass January night in 2011 when the Bears and Packers were playing in the NFC title game (I was nearly disowned and forced into WI rehab by my mom’s entire side of the family, all from Wisconsin, for posting a FB status in favor of a Bears win, but that’s neither here nor there).

Jay Cutler sprained his MCL and couldn’t go back in the game – he tried, and he couldn’t. Instead of praising Lovie Smith and team doctors for preserving Cutler’s knee, athletes and media members alike ripped Cutler a new one for not being tough enough to finish the game. That’s bullshit. Anyone with a modicum of knowledge of the NFL knows the Chicago Bears have an offensive line so paltry they couldn’t protect my two-year old niece. Poor Cutler gets sacked more than ANYONE and ALWAYS gets up, so don’t talk to me about his toughness.

Last weekend when RG III hurt his knee and continued to play, his coach was vilified for keeping him in and risking further injury to his QB’s knee.


I wrote more about this over at Awful Announcing, which you should read.

But anyway. Now, today some jackass lawyer is suing the San Antonio Spurs for resting their best players during an irrelevant November game against the Miami Heat.

1) Seriously? You’re bitching about ticket prices when you probably bill $500 an hour to drink martinis while going over your mergers & acquisitions documents, so seriously shut the fuck up.

2) You’re not beating the Heat at home, sorry. (Even though the Bulls did it, yay!)

3) Is seeing fucking Manu Ginobili get owned by LeBron James really that important to you? (No, I don’t know or care if that’s even possible given their positions and me not knowing jack shit about basketball.)

4) I doubt anyone at that game truly suffered “economic damages”, as you allege.

5) Seriously??? Try playing four road games in five days and tell me how tired YOU are.

I love sports. I really do. You don’t want to see me when Villanova is losing in the first round of the NCAA’s. But come ON people. The expectations of fans should not be driving athletes that we claim to WORSHIP to play with injuries or when they’re just goddamn tired. Who ASKED you? No one. We all know we’re all still going to watch the games and go to the stadiums and worship these people for reasons I still can’t figure out (myself included – arguing Cutler has beautiful baby blues gets me nowhere).

Who died and made us the martyrs for sports of which we’ve never had to experience the physical demands and the people who play them? And who are athletes to question the heart and toughness of one another, PARTICULARLY a QB that gets pummeled on a weekly basis while the o-line is collectively picking its wedgie instead of doing its job.

But, I’m not bitter, just so we’re clear.

The NHL is back

Apparently the NHL is back – I say apparently because I haven’t been following the lockout at all. I know hockey fans are pissed off because the commissioner is a jackhole and the league strikes once a decade, if not more often.

I used to LOVE hockey. I think it is required of you if you grow up in the Northeast. After I first saw The Mighty Ducks, I had visions of playing ice hockey because it looked like so much fun. Alas, I never did, but that’s neither here nor there.

My high school’s hockey team won the state title three years in a row (I think, but far too lazy to google it). Okay, I just googled it and I was actually right! 1997-1999. And I remember going to one of the games at UNH. Speaking of UNH, they have a pretty good hockey team every year, but are unfortunately known as the University of No Hardware since they can never quite seal the deal. The team had an epic collapse in the Frozen Four one year, I want to say 2003 maybe.

My friend Susan and I used to go to Manchester Monarchs games all the time. She is a die-hard Sabres fan. I used to follow hockey and it used to be fun. I’m not sure what happened – between my stint at Villanova that spawned my basketball obsession and living in San Diego where hockey doesn’t exist, I lost interest.

The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup in 2010 and I barely cared. I have yet to go to a game.

We have had far too many lockouts in recent years – NFL, NBA, and now NHL – again. Lockouts piss me off in general – it is millionaires fighting with billionaires over money while league and team employees have to worry about job security through no fault of their own. The collective bargaining agreements are so convoluted I don’t even try to understand them. All I know is that this is always beyond frustrating for the fans. So, even though the NHL is back, below is the only hockey I will be watching anytime soon.

Monday – The Bachelor vs. Notre Dame vs. Alabama

At long last, the new season of the Bachelor starts on Monday – starring some dude whose name I can’t bother to remember and the 25 drunk cat fighters who will vie for a Neil Lane ring that they won’t get to keep when the lucky winner and some dude inevitably break up four months after the show ends.

Oh, you thought I was going to talk about the Notre Dame vs. Alabama BCShit National Championship? Joke’s on you! Actually, no, the joke is on the geniuses at ABC for premiering their show the same night 100,000 Notre Dame fans descend to Sun Life Stadium to cheer on their precious football team. (Bitter football fan, table for one!)

Two of my friends suggested to me that I actually watch this season of the Bachelor and keep a running commentary on this blog – I just hope the episodes end up on because I don’t have a DVR and I am going to an Alabama watch party.

I am sure the ratings for the first episode will be in the gutter as a result of this game.

As far as the game goes, well, I could not care less who wins. If Alabama winning will make SEC fans more insufferable and Notre Dame winning will make Notre Dame fans…well, actually, I am going to keep that thought to myself. I am pretty sure their alums rule the world.