Allow me to be Debbie Downer for a moment…

My eighth grade science teacher, Mr. Angwin, used to always say to us, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Consumed by our own petty 13-yr old girl drama, it was impossible to follow such advice. Everything was the end of the world. Saw your crush talking to someone else? End of the world. Didn’t get invited to that sleepover? End of the world. We couldn’t follow his advice because we didn’t know what the small stuff was. Everything was big. Everything was life changing. We didn’t know better.

Now, I know better. I am about to turn 32, and never in a million years did I think I would be both single AND unemployed at 32. Along with recently losing my job, I’ve lost trust in people. People who swore I could always trust them and have acted in ways that indicate the opposite. It’s hard to get past that part. There will be other jobs and, I’m sure, other failures. But losing faith in humanity sucks. When you hear someone say over and over they care about you as a friend, as a person, and then it turns out to not be true, you wonder if you’re entire system is flawed. The system you use to determine who gets inside. It must be flawed when you openly and without question trust those who don’t deserve it, and are afraid to trust those who do.

It sucks but it is life and shit happens. I just hope things turn out okay.

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Fun with yearbooks

1993-94 – 7th grade ended early for me. My dad pulled us out of school in early June to take us to Europe for three weeks. My friend Carlyn was nice enough to get people to sign my yearbook for me, so I wouldn’t be left with nothing. However, I was not the most popular of young ladies so while I did get signatures, most of them were “have a great summer.”

My crush signed “I hope your (sic) having fun in Europe. Love, Tavis.”

Immediately beneath with an arrow pointing to his signature – “WHOA Reva!” This trend of subtlety would continue forever, as I will reveal. Other 7th grade gems:

“I’m the first person to sign your crack! Chris L”

“Reva, Chris is a pervert. I think he means it too. Next time you go to Europe bring me back a souvenir. Tony.”

And finally, we have the condescending, “Reva, have a good summer. Don’t get hung over another guy like you did with T.T.” WHO ASKED YOU, BITCH? As if I was the only 12/13-yr old to ever have an intense crush. And unfortunately for the 87 boys who followed T.T., I did not heed her advice.

1994-95- 8th grade. Slightly better. More friends but more boy crazy.

“Reva, you’ve been through lost (sic) – of people this year.”

“You’re unforgettable, seriously.” (From my main crush who did NOT mean it the way I wanted him too, trust me)

“Have a great summer. Yes your crushes have been severe, and I’ve told you to shut up about a million times. But it has been worth it. P.S. You still owe me 3 packages of Live Savers.”

“Hi Revers! Please reduce your hormone overdrive, and I think I have 1 word for this year: Keanu.” (Speed was out on VHS and we watched it at sleepovers all the time, even though I wasn’t allowed to watch rated R movies at the time, I suspect my mother will forgive me).

How could you NOT swoon over this?

1995-96: 9th grade and back to square suckage. Back in MY day, 9th graders ruled the Junior High (which is now 6-8th grades and our high school is a normal four years). However, ruling the school meant nothing in my instance. I was in band at the high school and I had to take attendance every day. I got conned into it when the teacher asked us to raise our hand if we liked talking on the phone, because from then on I had to call the junior high with the list of those absence. You can only imagine how awful that was for my already non-existent popularity and all the favors people wanted.

As I am rereading these, one really stuck out. One of those popular girls that normally didn’t give me the time of day wrote something very sweet. We had a couple of classes together and she could sense that I was struggling.

“Reva, Hola Chica! Well, you finally got your braces off and you have a beautiful smile! I will miss you next year. I hope you have more self-confidence and am very glad I got to know you this year!”

The rest is more of the usual: Band sucked, hope your summer was cool, I’ll never forget your love obsession with xyzabc.

So, I will let this classic clip basically sum up my freshman year:

And then, things changed. I went to Europe. I met amazing people who didn’t know I wasn’t popular and had been a band geek. I realized I had a solid group and we kind of stayed together from 7th grade on, but it’s not necessarily something you realize until like, you’re all sitting together at lunch and laughing your asses off and you look around and think, “these are my people, no matter what.” And then nothing else matters (ironically this was the year my obsession with Metallica happened because I had a crush on three different guys who were obsessed with them. Hey, I didn’t say the unreasonable crushes stopped!).

 

 

Bitch, Please – the “why do you exist?” edition

Yesterday, this post, Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit from Jezebel was making its rounds – I skimmed it, because while I do like the site, they tend to sometimes be very wordy and wax a bit too philosophical for my taste. However, I understood the rage, so decided to read the original piece that Lindy West was (rightfully) ranting about.

So basically some anonymous dude too scared to attach his inane ramblings to a name said that all women are worthless sluts. I think. His piece is titled Why Good Girls Have Become As Extinct As Unicorns. We haven’t even gotten to the text before the first Bitch, please. (Also, the grammatical errors – discuss)

Bitch, please: For something to be extinct, it needs to have actually existed and I BELIEVE that unicorns are mythical creatures. So, basically, you’re a fucking dumb-ass.

PointSure you can call it generation YOLO and women seizing the moment and just living life and having fun like they like to call it, but it just leaves me hoping I never end up with a daughter. nowadays values are corrupted and it’s seems its all about having fun: the quick sex, the quick thrill and the terrible Facebook photos that you get tagged in the next day, but there has to be some sort of a line.

Bitch, please: So, we’re not allowed to have fun? And what do YOU, Mr. Fuckwit, know about values, given what you’re writing? I already have a headache. Did you write this as some sort of parody, or was it supposed to be serious? If it was supposed to be serious, I suggest that you go back in time to live with apes and unicorns. Also this “line” that you speak of…what would you know about lines? As Joey Tribiani once said, you’re so far over the line, the line is a dot to you.

Point: For men, it’s great that these women have decided to become just like us. They’ve taken the male approach to sex and the way we treat the other gender. It is almost like they have become a mirror image of men in our love for a multitude of partners. This is great, because it cuts out a lot of the hard work that men used to have to go through to woo a woman to get what they ultimately want.

Bitch, please: Your logic is so mind-numbingly non-existent, I actually think I lost IQ points reading this.

You don’t want us to be sluts without morals, but your only goal is to sleep with us – that’s kind of a conundrum for you, yes? Blow up dolls exist because of guys like you. Go buy one.

Point: Sure women have become independent, which is a great feat and should constantly be encouraged, but that is the positive side of women rising to power in our society. With every pro there happens to be a con, and the con here is that most of these women have completely lost all respect for themselves, and their morals along the way.

Bitch, please: Praising us and then bashing us in the same breath. You should be more concerned about YOUR morals rather than ours. I suspect that your penis is the size of a golf pencil and having sex with you would be like bumper cars, so now you’re all bitter. You’re being so extreme with the offensive stereotypes, I thought I would have some fun and do the same.

Point: They’ve become thirsty for attention, from posting half naked photos on Instagram to having their whole lives exposed on the internet, through the course of hashtags. Then you have drugs, cocaine and molly being predominant, and many women addicted to prescription pills to help their “anxiety.” In short, women have become easy, but they have also become broken — and eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever.

Bitch, please: This is oddly specific. I am not addicted to drugs, nor are any of my friends, nor are we posting half-naked duck face selfies on Instagram. And no one stays hot forever, huh? We’re back to those elusive morals you speak of. If you had them, you would realize physical beauty has nothing to do with anything. You’ve seen Beauty and the Beast, right?

Point: Sure we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots. It all comes down to perception. Women see us drool over that hot girl that is standing half naked in her default picture or see us go wild when we easily get the number to a hot girl we just met on the street. To a man’s perception this seems “right” because it’s exactly what we want: sex without much effort. But for women from the outside looking in, they think that this is what we want, and it skews their perception.

Bitch, please: Wow, your admission of stupidity is the first smart thing that you’ve said! And then you go right back off the rails. Contradicting yourself in back-to-back sentences. Let me try to pretend you’re in kindergarten (though that is an insult to a 5-year old’s intelligence) and spell this out for you in a way you can understand. FIRST, you said all you ever want to eat for snack is apples (all men want is sex without effort). THEN you said you couldn’t understand why girls share their apples with you, which they are doing because you said you liked them (we’re all sluts). NEXT, you threw the apple into the garbage disposal because you don’t WANT our apples (you don’t understand why we think all men want is sex without effort when in the previous sentence you said all men want is sex without effort – BUT NOT FROM A SLUT). You get an F- in logic, and in life.

Point: Good girls gone bad, the city is filled with them to paraphrase the great Jay-Z. The problem is that it’s not just the city, but society as a whole. Men are to blame for this because we encourage such behavior and give these girls the attention they want when they are dressed up like complete retards at EDM shows and when they are in their bikinis on Instagram. But women are also to blame in giving this artificial persona of what men call hot or not.

Bitch, please: You’ve lost me. Furthermore, what city do you live in? You should also know that you are coming off as more bitter than I am, and that’s hard. Some girl did a number on you. You’re fooling no one (except maybe yourself).

Point: Sure I’m an asshole that loves to take advantage of women who are willing to bang me without me having to offer too much, but at the same time I am also a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady with respect and compassion just like any other true lady should be treated.

Bitch, please: My eyes just rolled so far back I think they fell out. You…I can’t….I CAN’T EVEN FORM COMPLETE THOUGHTS. What is your definition of a true lady? How have you demonstrated that you’re a gentleman? If you want to just fuck around, fine, but don’t then come at us with the, “I have no other choice,” logic, since you apparently have girls flinging themselves at you left and right. Do not try to convince us you are a gentleman – just own the fact that you are a horrible person with no intelligence or morals or intelligence and get on with your life.

Point: The truth of the matter is that you can’t change women that are already broken, so those are the ones that men use for exactly what we want: sex with no strings attached. Because it’s easy and it’s right in front of us. But at some point in time, through the course of our lives, we are going to grow out of chasing someone that has been with everyone. Sure being a bachelor is fun and all, the stories are great, bragging to our friends is epic, but we are eventually going to want more out of a female than just sex.

Bitch, please: Oh PLEASE. Since when does not being a virgin (it’s all or nothing with you, isn’t it??) equal being broken? Also, as West puts it: Everyone makes unhealthy choices sometimes. Life is long and complex. Everyone has sex with partners they regret, and strays out of their comfort zone for the wrong reasons, and enters into self-destructive relationships with the best intentions. But those choices are unhealthy for the person making them, not for anyone else. And those choices have no bearing whatsoever on anyone’s worth as a human being. Sometimes perspective, born out of pain, can actually make life richer. Your good choices are yours and your bad choices are yours too. You’re trying to justify being a giant man-whore by blaming us for making the idiotic choice of sleeping with you. Yes, I definitely think you are who I would go to for love advice.

PointThat is when we want to settle down, but with a lady who has respect for herself, morals — and there isn’t one guy out there that can have a bad story to tell about her — like the time she had a threesome in a London hostel while studying abroad.

Bitch, Please: Again – oddly specific to the point where I think you were fine until your girlfriend had a threesome in a London hostel and broke you. Which means you are beyond repair. Check fucking mate.

Point: Because of the double standard that is in place between men and women, finding a girl of this nature wasn’t that hard decades ago because women actually held high standards for themselves and demanded men to treat them properly before they gave them what they wanted.

Bitch, Please: So you want someone with no bad stories or experiences? You might regret that decision when this becomes your sex life:

Point: The truth of the matter nowadays is that good girls, as we like to call them, don’t really exist. They are unicorns. You are lucky if you come across one that is actually who she says she is. We sometimes even joke that our future wives are currently in Kindergarten because it is comforting to know that she is currently playing with blocks and not swinging from dick to dick because they sell her a good enough story. And when she’s 18 we’ll snap her right up and she’ll have no exposure to being a slut.

Bitch, Please: At least you have finally admitted unicorns don’t exist. Other than that…I hate to break it to you but not all 18-year old girls are virgin and the farther down you knock the age you want to snap them up at…well, I don’t even want to go there.

Point: Men are going to want to settle down with a good girl, a girl that is respectable and not someone that has been with everyone — as that is every man’s fear. The older you get, the more you realize that it is a fantasy that doesn’t actually exist. When you actually meet one, you will refuse to admit she’s real anyways.

Bitch, Please: What is your definition of “everyone?” Is one too many? This brings me back to the blow up doll. Please just get one and promise me you will never reproduce. I am begging you. Otherwise, you will end up like this:

Point: My question is what happened to a girl impressing us with her intellect and being able to hold a conversation past: do you come here often? Why has it become the standard that women have to impress men by flashing their tits or dressing up half naked? Sure we may seem dumb when we are chasing smuts, but when we do actually want to settle down with a female, she has to meet the standards that we have for a girl with whom we want to settle down.

Bitch, Please: I’ve lost the will to argue with you anymore. You cannot be saved.

Point: Through my experiences, as well as the experiences of many other men, it’s hard to come across a good girl or a unicorn. We’re not asking for much here, just a girl that respects herself and is smart to the point where she would understand us.

Bitch, Please: No one will ever understand you because you make no fucking sense!

Point: But then there is the other side of the spectrum, that when we do actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat. It’s like a double-edged sword. You realize it wasn’t getting the unicorn, but rather attracting something you thought never existed. It always is about the chase and never about the perfection of the woman. And that is the mindset of men in the 21st century.

What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained. The problem is that most girls are freaks everywhere, which leaves us with fewer options when trying to settle down. Unicorns are tough to find, and if you do stumble upon one, do everything in your power to hold onto her, as the chase is only fun for so long — and we do have a sense of compassion and companionship we like to share with a partner.

Those are the natural instincts of a man. Ladies, men are not going to respect you if you don’t respect yourselves. It’s that simple.

Bitch, Please: Annnnnd we’re back to the unicorns. Now you’re saying the woman you want isn’t good enough after a while and you’re going to cheat?????? YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR ANY GIRL THAT COMES NEAR YOU:

I know many women who respect themselves  but I can most assuredly say not only do you not understand the concept of respect, you don’t understand the concept of life.

TV’s most dysfunctional couples – and why it matters

We interrupt this program dedicated to my pathetic love life to dissect the love life of others. Specifically fictitious television characters. Of my choosing.  And they are pretty dysfunctional. And they matter. So, without further adieu:

Ross & Rachel, Friends

Setting aside the fact that Friends probably lasted two seasons longer than it needed to, it was an otherwise great show. And even though Monica & Chandler stole the show from Season 5 on, the central focus was ALWAYS Ross and Rachel – because nothing is more painful than unrequited love. And Ross was so adorably in love with Rachel we were rooting for him while secretly hoping our shy, geeky, handsome friend was secretly in love with US because how awesome would that be? But then they go­t together and had this devastating break up and the rest of the series is all, “We were on a break!” “No we weren’t!” “Yes we were!” And then Ross says Rachel’s name when he is marrying Emily and it still takes them another 47 seasons AND a Vegas wedding plus annulment to officially seal the deal…post baby!!! I MEAN – do we really aspire to be in relationships with that level of dysfunction junction??? Probably not, but we were still always rooting for them!

Why it matters: Now we think dysfunction like this is romantic and normal. The pain of being in love with someone who does not love you is the old/new way to be deep and tortured. But hey look, they might eventually love you back! But then you cheat on them! But you’re so heartbroken we get it! Just because you break up doesn’t mean it is ever final. You CAN be friends with an ex after extreme awkwardness and some sort of 18-pages FRONT AND BACK letter.

Donna Martin & David Silver, Beverly Hills, 90210

Oh poor, virtuous Donna. She really wanted to stand by her “my father is the creator of this show so I have to be the uppity virgin” catholic beliefs. And David just couldn’t wait. So he cheats on her. And somehow, Ray cheats on her too. Because Donna can’t be the only one on the show who doesn’t suffer some tragedy, people cheat on her and beat her. But she’s just so nice and perfect and can do no wrong. She and David probably break up and get back together the same number of times as Rachel and Ross, which = Enough Drama to Keep Us Interested + No guy is that understanding and/or can resist temptation multiplied by Your Self Righteousness is BEYOND Annoying ESPECIALLY when YOU cheat on Noah and it’s okay but every other time you’re the damn victim you stupid bitch and you should KNOW better since it’s happened to you!

Why it matters: Same reason Ross and Rachel did. First of all, we want to believe we could never be that fucked up and second of all, it proves there is such thing as a 67th chance, no matter what you did the first 66 times around. Cheating is normal! You can get away with it and still find that great, unfortunate love that makes me hate you love you. Which brings me to…

Meredith and Dr. McDreamy, Grey’s Anatomy

Talk about FUCKED UP. I stopped watching after season 2, so I may be a bit rusty in my knowledge, but I BELIEVE that Hottie McHotPants moved to Seattle because HIS wife cheated and he hooked up with Mer, then Addison comes waltzing into the picture all, “Ohhhh sorry, I made a mistake,” and then for SOME reason of which I am still UNCLEAR, he decides to try and make it work with Skanky McHoebag and then gets all pissed at Meredith when she sleeps with George, etc.,  and he actually calls her a whore. She says to him, “I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.” CHECK FUCKING MATE

Why it matters: Again – these people are writing these shows because they know someone who knows someone who had an affair with a married man and came out on top – my friend Amanda’s friend Ashley!!! And we get sucked into this shit and watch it while crying and drinking and being tortured because one time on a roof top you kissed someone that you thought was your future husband and six years later you are single AND unemployed. So watching someone worse off than you only feels natural.

Felicity/Ben/Noel, Felicity

I mean…I find it EXCEPTIONALLY hard to believe that Felicity is not some sort of witch. She can make people fall in love with her at the drop of a hat. She never gets rejected – and Ben and Noel taking turns breaking up with her does NOT count because they always come crawling back whether it is on a roof or in a dorm room or a coffee shop. So her little four year love hexagon (don’t forget this was another 90210 in which everyone dated everyone else) ends with her getting whoever she wants. She even gets to go back in time. Sketchy.

Why it matters: Sure, following your high school crush to a college you had no intention of attending until he did is NOT stalking. It’s poetic. Or something. And you get to spend four years having two gorgeous guys fighting over you while you remain faux clueless. This is giving hope to those girls who love boys from afar who are outside their social circle and they think there is no way it will ever happen and then they watch Felicity and then memorizing a class schedule for coincidental run-ins doesn’t seem crazy at all. I mean, if Felicity and Elle Woods did it, can’t anyone??

Carrie and Big, Sex and the City

Just like Ross and Rachel, this torturous on again off again sadistic what have you spans a lifetime. In between the first date and the eventual “I do” there are divorces and affairs and broken engagements and so much fucked up-titude that when the second movie finally ends, all you want to do is chug grain alcohol. Big is a prick, Carrie is a self-absorbed whack job and SOMEHOW, she manages to convince Big that she is THE ONE even though they cheat on each other (do NOT pretend you don’t remember her tryst with that waiter because Big refused to say I love you) and Big is just like the womanizing version of the Hamburglar (no, I don’t care if that makes sense or not).

Why it matters: They make you falsely believe that if you hold off long enough, you will get what you want. That you can spend $40,000 on shoes but marry someone rich so it doesn’t matter. That fashion is more important than being a DECENT HUMAN BEING AND NOT CHEATING ON AIDEN MY GOD.