Been there, done that


On the morning of my recent nose job, (before and after obviously above, thank you Dr. Steven Dayan, you’re my new favorite person), just as I was getting settled into the pre-surgery area what have you, the nurse came back in to tell me she’d forgotten to give me a pregnancy test.

Stepping back a few years (okay, four), when I was in the Children’s Hospital ER with my broken ankle, they also made me take one before they would x-ray me. And my response was, “can’t you just take my word for it?” since I knew that I wasn’t. But apparently they could not, so I had to walk to the bathroom on my broken ankle to get the results I already knew. You know you’ve hit rock bottom sitting alone in the Children’s Hospital ER at 2 a.m, when you’re 28, alone, watching Ratatouille and waiting for the results of your pregnancy test.

This time around it was the same deal, and also, since you can’t consume liquid starting at midnight the night before surgery, it’s kind of like trying to squeeze water out of a rock in order to get the job done but that’s cool.

I have a point, I promise. The point being I haven’t been on a date since like…February or something, and am happy about it. I am over the drama and bad first dates where you’re all, “I got out of my pajamas for THIS?” OR, even worse, I am over the amazing first dates that turn into nothing and then you’re all, “okay, so I obviously fucked up AND misjudged that one but I don’t know why, awesome.”

I have not made an effort to meet guys. I have not rejoined OKCupid or even gotten my flirt on recently. I probably forgot how anyway. But normally this would be depressing.

When John Doe randomly showed up at my birthday party last month, I fled as fast as I could into a cab because I am sick of the emotional repercussions of that merry-go-round.

So not stressing out over non-relationships or over-analyzing stupid shit ALA Carrie Bradshaw has kept me relatively stress free during this period of unemployment. I’ve traveled to see family, I’ve had surgery to fix a nose I’ve hated since ever, and I’m not pregnant. Life isn’t so bad.



NHL Finals & another dilemma

As you know, the CHICAGO Blackhawks and BOSTON Bruins are vying for the Stanley Cup. I live in Chicago, I’m from New Hampshire. So, who do I root for? Well, I have decided that since I barely care about hockey, I’m rooting for neither. This would be a bigger issue if it was a different sport, but alas, I do not care about hockey. I guess it’s not really a dilemma after all.

Except I’m meeting friends to watch game 3 in a bit and feel I should support my city.

Besides, how can I take hockey seriously when the only thing I associate with it is this?

In other news, my life is boring.

Is Glamour turning into Cosmo?

Glamour has, on its web site right now, a slide show entitled 30 Sex Tips Every Woman Should Consider by the Time She’s 30. I didn’t get through very many before I realized the tips were very Cosmo-esque…you know, trashy? One of the reasons I stopped reading Cosmopolitan is because every damn issue is exactly the same. And now it appears Glamour is going down this route. And since when is 30 the cutoff for anything? But I digress. Here are some of the cringe-worthy “tips”:

1. Explore Your Back Door – Eww eww and did I mention, eww??? Look, some people might enjoy that, and more power to them, but this seems to be one of those things that MANY people will not want to explore, and that’s okay. Just because someone told someone else who told Glamour that it was fabulous doesn’t mean it actually is.

2. Explore His Back Door – See above. Also, this is where I stopped reading, so now I have to go through the rest.

It can just make the situation awkward

3. Send Him a Sexy Photo – Sexting is NEVER a good idea. You never know if it will wind up in the wrong hands or on Deadspin. Just ask Brett Favre.

4. Fantasize He’s Someone Else – Isn’t that rude? If you have to do that, wouldn’t that indicate a bigger problem?

5. Have a Threesome – Okay, this was probably stolen from a Cosmo article from 1999. Again, as I said about 1 & 2 – if you’re comfortable with it, fine, but don’t take a tip like this seriously. I can’t see it leading to anything good.

The rest are your typical role-playing, porn-watching, bondage wearing tips that are predictable.

People have been recycling the same tips since ever, basically, and that’s why I don’t read those magazines anymore.

The struggle

I’m trying to write, but I can’t. I thought I would take this unemployment opportunity to crank out my book. Instead, I stare at the pages and struggle. I don’t want to relive all the mistakes I made with John Doe, etc, I don’t want to try to turn my pain into humor, I don’t want to do any of it. Except that I DO. I DO, but I can’t, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Even just trying to write this post is a struggle.  I just don’t know what to say.

Until I do.

Last night I had a dream reminding me about another story that I want to tell. I think my subconscious is finally telling me to snap out of it and just write, no matter how hard.

Here I go…