F- in sarcasm, and other OKCupid fails

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My friend is trying OKCupid again, and we’re keeping official stats this time as a mini study. And we’ll get back to you with the semi-sort-of-official results in a couple of weeks, but in the interim, here’s what she has to work with:

1st message:

Perfect cuddle size? That could also be described as fun size or bite size. :-X

You have strawberry blonde hair which probably means that sunblock is your best friend, but can pull off wearing warm colors like beige and orange. That’s all I got for that. What else is unique to you about being a ginger?

Where are you going for the hot air balloon ride? Are you doing that in NH?

Comparing her to what I can only assume is a candy bar and then talking about colors that match her hair? Can we say…WTF? As she said to me over G-Chat:

I CAN PULL OFF BEIGE? What the what? That’s not a compliment – “you look good in bland brown colors.”

Look, I get it – first messages can be awkward and it can take you four hours to construct the four most perfect sentences you’ve ever written, only to get no response (which is why I gave up) so I am not saying I can do any better. But, you have to give us something to work with here. Also, I don’t want to get into grammatical snobbery, but the second sentence is structured as if the sunblock can pull off those colors, not my friend. I believe we call that a misplaced modifier? (No wonder I’m alone).

She did not respond, so he sent a second message:

For some reason, I am going to take a stab in the dark and guess that you’ve had excellent luck on this site finding someone who’s incredibly gorgeous and everything else you’ve ever dreams of. 😉

She and I felt it was dripping in passive aggressive sarcasm, however others disagree.

Either way, we have yet another example of how awkward online dating can be – can some people who have met significant others this way offer some tips??

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Ten Things you should stop saying to your single friends

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This morning, I read a brilliant Huffington Post blog, 5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parentsand it inspired me to write a post about what married/engaged/etc people need to stop saying to their single friends IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER.

1. It happens when you least expect it/once you stop looking is when you will find him/her: I haven’t been expecting OR looking for quite some time now, because I actually don’t care anymore, but when I DID expect it and want it, that was always so annoying to hear. If people only find someone when they aren’t looking or expecting, how do you explain the proliferation of ematchharmonyplentyoffishdatefinder.com sites? And just because YOU tripped over yourself, spilled your coffee on a hot dude, offered to pay for his dry cleaning and have now been blissfully married for ten years, does not mean it is going to happen to me.

2. You’re not trying hard enough: But last week you told me to stop trying and just leave it up to fate! And you know what? All fate did was bring me a dude who told me I wasn’t allowed to wear heels anymore so I wouldn’t be taller than him. Am I supposed to try to meet someone, or am I supposed to not try, and live my life? And when neither works, what is your next piece of advice? What actually constitutes “trying?”

3. There’s someone out there for everyone: Maybe, maybe not. I might never find a guy who will be able to tolerate my unhealthy hatred of Ohio State/Terry Porter/UNC/Duke, or who is okay with me owning all seven seasons of the Golden Girls. Also, I hate to cook (“takeout for the third week in a row okay, honey?”). Hey, this is giving me an idea – let’s change our dating profiles (that you don’t think we should have) to all negative things, and then if someone still wants to meet us, we’re on the right track.

4. I miss being single, you’re so lucky: THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ALL OF THIS ADVICE??? The grass is always greener on the other side, right? I might *THINK* I want to be in a serious relationship, but the minute I can’t drink wine in my pajamas while watching the Golden Girls without getting weird looks, we’re going to have an issue. And you might be annoyed that you have to ask your spouse if you have plans for a certain day or if it is okay to go do XYZ with your friends, but I’m sure you’d rather do that than drink wine and watch TV in your pajamas. Alone.

5. One day you’ll understand: What will I understand? That life is better when you have someone to share it with? I already understand that, and just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m missing some sort of brain cell that contains said understanding. I see Facebook pictures all the time of couples on trips in beautiful tropical places and I want to be there too, and because I’m not, maybe I understand more than you think.

6. You’re being too picky: I think that I’m allowed to be if we’re talking about spending the rest of my life with someone and vice-versa. Yes, there are things I can adjust, for example my bogus height requirement of 6’2”, when 5’10” is also fine. But I am not going to budge on certain things such as being able to write complete sentences, someone as uninterested in religion as I am, loves to travel, etc. They call them deal breakers for a reason.

7. You’re not going to meet someone worth marrying at a bar: This only annoys me because 1) I know people who have married someone they met at a bar, and 2) even if a bar is not the place you are going to meet your spouse, there is no reason you can’t go to one with your friends to just have fun. It’s called yours 20’s, and it’s fine.

8. Can’t one of your friends fix you up? If they’ve tried and failed they won’t do it again and you’re all, “pssh, they don’t know me AT ALL”, and if they haven’t, that question is going to make me be all, “hey, wait, do my friends think I am a leper or something and that is why they’ve never tried to fix me up?” So the answer is no, no they cannot.

9. Stop dating guys who can’t commit/treat you like shit, etc: Oh right, I forgot, because you never dated a jerk or someone who was wrong for you in your entire life.

10. Find a hobby and you’ll meet someone: Volunteer! Train for a marathon! Take a cooking class! As long as you join some group somewhere regardless of your level of interest, you’ll meet someone and then it’ll be fine, because that is the ONLY reason to find a hobby, and it’s not like I don’t already have enough going on, but that’s cool.

Bitch, please, edition: I AM EXHAUSTED

My friend Melissa sent me a link to this book on Amazon.com today and asked me to blog about it…in a bad way. Um, challenge accepted.

The book, Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is just a pile of nonsense and preying on the girls who think they have to be married by a certain age (i.e. me, five years ago).

Here is the description:

Forget waiting for Mr. Right! You can go out and find “The One” yourself when you follow this plan. Celebrated relationship expert Dr. Janet Blair Page has distilled the very best of her acclaimed dating class at Emory University—the one covered by CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show—into this one-of-a-kind book. She’s helped bring thousands of singles true love—and now it’s your turn!

Your To-Do List This Year:

  • Today: Get to know yourself.
  • Next Month: Figure out what you really want from your man.
  • Month 3: Learn how to get out of your own way.
  • Month 6: Take the field and find the right guy.
  • Month 10: Make the big decision.
  • Month 12: Get married!

The power is yours—and with Dr. Page’s guidance, you’ll use that power to meet and marry your Perfect Guy. From designing the ultimate Spouse Shopping List to getting the right guy to commit, this tried-and-true method gives you the blueprint you need to take charge of your love life and find love that can last a lifetime—in only 12 months or less!

BITCH, PLEASE: You think that someone can get to know themselves in a day/week/month? I’ve been in therapy for eight fucking years (on and off) and I still don’t know myself. I do stupid things, and fall for the wrong people (as much as I don’t want to), and how the fuck do you suggest I can fix that in 30-fucking days?? FUCK OFF.

Not only that, she only factors in six months between finding the right guy and getting married. Planning a wedding can take more than six months, let alone finding someone and knowing within in four that you want to marry them. What the FUCK is your problem, lady? All your stupid ass book is going to do is increase the divorce rate when people rush to the altar after taking your stupid fucking advice.

And what is with the shopping list? Men are not avocados, and you cannot hand pick the perfect one, you stupid bitch.

But, there’s more!

There are three main sections to the book, what you are doing wrong, beginning the search and on the road to happily ever after. There are numerous worksheets, self-assessment quizzes, lists such as the spouse shopping list and numerous suggests for self-reflection included throughout the book. There are also short “Love Notes” and “Love Stories” that are fun and interesting.

BITCH, PLEASE: You honestly think a fucking worksheet is going to solve my problem? I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG AND A WORKSHEET IS NOT THE ANSWER. I hate you.

One of the most unique concepts Page describes is the “Love Resume” used to create a catalog of past relationships. Each chapter begins with a myth and a truth phrase. One sample is that the right person will complete you, the myth. The truth, the right person will be a good match for the person you happen to be.

BITCH, PLEASE: A love resume? Really? I mean, okay fine, I am writing a book of “love resumes” but it is to make fun of myself for being a dumbass, I’m not using past fuckery to use towards future happiness. The past is the past and we know what we did wrong, and we don’t need a fucking worksheet for your fucking truth vs. myths.

It is no surprise that people who bought this book also bought Patti Stanger’s, which basically has the exact same title.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to chug some vino.

When life gets in the way

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A week before I turned 32 (end of May), I realized I had been out of college for ten years to the day. It was a realization that wouldn’t have bothered me, had I been anywhere near where I thought I would at this point in my life. What’s that saying, “life is what happens when you’re making other plans?”

When I was 22, my plan was to work for a hot-shot ad agency and rise to the ranks of creative director, where my brilliant ideas would one day be seen during a break in the Super Bowl (just like Jennifer Aniston in Picture Perfect, obvs), or I was going to be the Director of PR for an NFL team, One of the two. And then I’d get married and have kids at some point, SURELY BEFORE I TURNED 30. Instead, here is what happened:

2003: Move back home to NH, work three different jobs, one being for $8/hr as a receptionist for a radio station in my home town. Worst nightmare realized in record speed.

2004: Land media relations internship at Villanova. Work 32/8/465, but learn a ton and enjoy myself. Learn to love college basketball. Decide college sports is the way to go.

2005: End up in San Diego. Work two jobs instead of three. Am dead-ass broke. Too poor to do anything fun or live anywhere cool, and so, I just work and go to the TGIFriday’s in Carlsbad with my best gay friend.

2006: San Diego, continued. Turn 25. Have no idea what I want to do or where I want to be. Maybe Chicago, though. It’s a cool city.

2007: Get new job with same company I’ve worked at since 2005 in an advertising position AND they move me to Chicago. Things are starting to look up. And then I move to Chicago and meet John Doe. Initially, I think that he will be my husband. Instead, he becomes the opposite, whatever that means.

2008: Chicago rocks! But I hate my new job! But good news, they lay me off right before Thanksgiving!!

2009: Turn 28. Am not making nearly as much money as I expected at this point.  But, I have a good job and good friends.

2010: Land what I assume is my dream job in October. Who cares if I’m single, I’m a career woman and that’s all that matters.

2011: The big 3-0. Go to Vegas to celebrate. LOVE IT. Love my friends. Sure, my dating life is one disaster after another, but I have the greatest friends, so who cares?

2012: Status quo.

2013: At the end of April I lost my job. And it has been a rough road. And now fear is starting to take over. Not that I won’t find a job, but that I will find my next opportunity outside of Chicago. Moving is not what scares me. Not finding what I have here is. My friends here have shown me the true meaning of “for better or worse.” They’ve seen me at my worst and are still friends with me. They have held my hand when I needed it most or taken me out when I needed to forget. Whether it was job woes or boy woes or life woes in general, they have been there and finding even one person like that is amazing, but for me to have many more of them is something I cannot take for granted.

I may not be where I thought I would be at 32, but when you have the right people in your life, it doesn’t really matter.