Bitch, please, edition: I AM EXHAUSTED

My friend Melissa sent me a link to this book on Amazon.com today and asked me to blog about it…in a bad way. Um, challenge accepted.

The book, Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is just a pile of nonsense and preying on the girls who think they have to be married by a certain age (i.e. me, five years ago).

Here is the description:

Forget waiting for Mr. Right! You can go out and find “The One” yourself when you follow this plan. Celebrated relationship expert Dr. Janet Blair Page has distilled the very best of her acclaimed dating class at Emory University—the one covered by CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show—into this one-of-a-kind book. She’s helped bring thousands of singles true love—and now it’s your turn!

Your To-Do List This Year:

  • Today: Get to know yourself.
  • Next Month: Figure out what you really want from your man.
  • Month 3: Learn how to get out of your own way.
  • Month 6: Take the field and find the right guy.
  • Month 10: Make the big decision.
  • Month 12: Get married!

The power is yours—and with Dr. Page’s guidance, you’ll use that power to meet and marry your Perfect Guy. From designing the ultimate Spouse Shopping List to getting the right guy to commit, this tried-and-true method gives you the blueprint you need to take charge of your love life and find love that can last a lifetime—in only 12 months or less!

BITCH, PLEASE: You think that someone can get to know themselves in a day/week/month? I’ve been in therapy for eight fucking years (on and off) and I still don’t know myself. I do stupid things, and fall for the wrong people (as much as I don’t want to), and how the fuck do you suggest I can fix that in 30-fucking days?? FUCK OFF.

Not only that, she only factors in six months between finding the right guy and getting married. Planning a wedding can take more than six months, let alone finding someone and knowing within in four that you want to marry them. What the FUCK is your problem, lady? All your stupid ass book is going to do is increase the divorce rate when people rush to the altar after taking your stupid fucking advice.

And what is with the shopping list? Men are not avocados, and you cannot hand pick the perfect one, you stupid bitch.

But, there’s more!

There are three main sections to the book, what you are doing wrong, beginning the search and on the road to happily ever after. There are numerous worksheets, self-assessment quizzes, lists such as the spouse shopping list and numerous suggests for self-reflection included throughout the book. There are also short “Love Notes” and “Love Stories” that are fun and interesting.

BITCH, PLEASE: You honestly think a fucking worksheet is going to solve my problem? I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG AND A WORKSHEET IS NOT THE ANSWER. I hate you.

One of the most unique concepts Page describes is the “Love Resume” used to create a catalog of past relationships. Each chapter begins with a myth and a truth phrase. One sample is that the right person will complete you, the myth. The truth, the right person will be a good match for the person you happen to be.

BITCH, PLEASE: A love resume? Really? I mean, okay fine, I am writing a book of “love resumes” but it is to make fun of myself for being a dumbass, I’m not using past fuckery to use towards future happiness. The past is the past and we know what we did wrong, and we don’t need a fucking worksheet for your fucking truth vs. myths.

It is no surprise that people who bought this book also bought Patti Stanger’s, which basically has the exact same title.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to chug some vino.

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One response

  1. Wow, I can’t believe there’s even a book like that out there. That’s crazy! I couldn’t ever marry a man who I had only known for a couple of months! It takes years to get to know a person well enough before you go walking down the aisle. I absolutely adore your Bitch Please!

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