This morning, I read a brilliant Huffington Post blog, 5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parents, and it inspired me to write a post about what married/engaged/etc people need to stop saying to their single friends IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER.
1. It happens when you least expect it/once you stop looking is when you will find him/her: I haven’t been expecting OR looking for quite some time now, because I actually don’t care anymore, but when I DID expect it and want it, that was always so annoying to hear. If people only find someone when they aren’t looking or expecting, how do you explain the proliferation of ematchharmonyplentyoffishdatefinder.com sites? And just because YOU tripped over yourself, spilled your coffee on a hot dude, offered to pay for his dry cleaning and have now been blissfully married for ten years, does not mean it is going to happen to me.
2. You’re not trying hard enough: But last week you told me to stop trying and just leave it up to fate! And you know what? All fate did was bring me a dude who told me I wasn’t allowed to wear heels anymore so I wouldn’t be taller than him. Am I supposed to try to meet someone, or am I supposed to not try, and live my life? And when neither works, what is your next piece of advice? What actually constitutes “trying?”
3. There’s someone out there for everyone: Maybe, maybe not. I might never find a guy who will be able to tolerate my unhealthy hatred of Ohio State/Terry Porter/UNC/Duke, or who is okay with me owning all seven seasons of the Golden Girls. Also, I hate to cook (“takeout for the third week in a row okay, honey?”). Hey, this is giving me an idea – let’s change our dating profiles (that you don’t think we should have) to all negative things, and then if someone still wants to meet us, we’re on the right track.
4. I miss being single, you’re so lucky: THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ALL OF THIS ADVICE??? The grass is always greener on the other side, right? I might *THINK* I want to be in a serious relationship, but the minute I can’t drink wine in my pajamas while watching the Golden Girls without getting weird looks, we’re going to have an issue. And you might be annoyed that you have to ask your spouse if you have plans for a certain day or if it is okay to go do XYZ with your friends, but I’m sure you’d rather do that than drink wine and watch TV in your pajamas. Alone.
5. One day you’ll understand: What will I understand? That life is better when you have someone to share it with? I already understand that, and just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m missing some sort of brain cell that contains said understanding. I see Facebook pictures all the time of couples on trips in beautiful tropical places and I want to be there too, and because I’m not, maybe I understand more than you think.
6. You’re being too picky: I think that I’m allowed to be if we’re talking about spending the rest of my life with someone and vice-versa. Yes, there are things I can adjust, for example my bogus height requirement of 6’2”, when 5’10” is also fine. But I am not going to budge on certain things such as being able to write complete sentences, someone as uninterested in religion as I am, loves to travel, etc. They call them deal breakers for a reason.
7. You’re not going to meet someone worth marrying at a bar: This only annoys me because 1) I know people who have married someone they met at a bar, and 2) even if a bar is not the place you are going to meet your spouse, there is no reason you can’t go to one with your friends to just have fun. It’s called yours 20’s, and it’s fine.
8. Can’t one of your friends fix you up? If they’ve tried and failed they won’t do it again and you’re all, “pssh, they don’t know me AT ALL”, and if they haven’t, that question is going to make me be all, “hey, wait, do my friends think I am a leper or something and that is why they’ve never tried to fix me up?” So the answer is no, no they cannot.
9. Stop dating guys who can’t commit/treat you like shit, etc: Oh right, I forgot, because you never dated a jerk or someone who was wrong for you in your entire life.
10. Find a hobby and you’ll meet someone: Volunteer! Train for a marathon! Take a cooking class! As long as you join some group somewhere regardless of your level of interest, you’ll meet someone and then it’ll be fine, because that is the ONLY reason to find a hobby, and it’s not like I don’t already have enough going on, but that’s cool.
A Series of Very Bad Decisions 