Today’s edition of “Hey! Why didn’t I think of that?”

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This is my last week in Chicago. While I am very excited for my new job and adventure in Orange County, I am also sad to be leaving all of the friends I have made here over the past 6+ years. One of those friends is Mr. Titspervert, who took me to lunch today since he won’t be able to attend my going away party. He asked if I had any good dating stories of late, and I am sorry to say, the well is dry.

It’s kind of hard to date when you’re jobless, and depressed about being jobless, and don’t feel like you have much to offer because you’ve also gained weight, so I had to go back to the end of Dec/beginning of January when I was dating…let’s call him Johnny Utah.

Utah lured me to his apartment under the false pretenses of cooking me dinner, but when I got there, there was no dinner, no dinner prep, no nothing, in fact, except for lit candles intermittently lying around his apartment. When I presented him with a bottle of wine, his response was, “why did you bring that?” (I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE TO GO WITH THE DINNER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COOK ME, MORON). Anyway – my gut was telling me to run, and run fast. But running is what I do best, and I had promised my therapist I would try not to be so quick to judge or find flaws and really put some effort into this one. And so I stayed.

When I relayed all this to Mr. TP, he offered a suggestion that no one else had. Even though he’s married now, he was a carefree bachelor once and can still think like one – and he said to me, “do you think he was dating more than one person and got his nights mixed up?” I don’t know why I didn’t think of that sooner! Of course! He probably invited someone else over for “dinner” and forget he offered to actually COOK for me and then got confused and I ended up trying to drink a glass of wine while getting felt up and watching an NFL playoff game. It makes perfect sense!

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Bitch, please: Cosmo’s horrible texting advice.

Text message on a mobile phone stating I've been seeing someone else.

I stumbled upon this “What Does His Text Mean” article filed under “dating advice” on Cosmo’s web site. It’s a whole bunch of WTF. Most guys say what they mean -no translation needed. And yet, here we are…

1. The send a pic text – Cosmo says: “Consider the recipient and make sure it’s someone you really trust. “This is the text that guys send to see how far they can get you to go,” says Henderson. “It rarely ends well. Our rule: If you wouldn’t send it to your mother, don’t send it.”

Bitch, Please: Thanks, Captain Obvious.  DOES HE OR DOES HE NOT WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? What if he already has? What if he sends it to his friends? What if it ends up on Deadspin? I can tell you it means this is not serious relationship material. They want to cruise right on past Relationship Central and into Boot Scootin’ Booty and sending pics of yourself other than being w/friends, fully clothed, at a social event, or one of your middle finger, is just a bad idea.

2. The noncommittal text = He’s just not that into you. And Cosmo’s expert says the same, so I won’t Bitch, Please this one.

3. The Double Text – Now we’re veering off the rails because Cosmo is talking about us being impatient central when Mr. Man takes longer than 70-seconds to respond to a text.

Bitch, Please: First of all, you’re off topic. Second of all, we KNOW what our back to back to back to back to back to back texts mean and we also probably know what their non-response means. That being said, what if he’s in a meeting or something? If you can’t wait a couple hours during the work day without panicking then there is a bigger issue at hand here.

4. The foodie text  – Cosmo’s example is a little baffling: “Are you free for a quick bite right now?,” “Share a strudel with me? I just made one. I know it’s 2:36 am, but it’s really good!” 

Bitch, Please: Why does this one need clarification? Are we now so desperate for meaning behind everything that we’re using ridiculous examples that never happen?

Which brings us to…

5. The Facebook Chat – First of all, not the same thing as texting, second of all, they use an example where two people haven’t met in person, therefore…

Bitch, Please: You are automatically disqualified.

6. The Grey Zone Text – No such thing. See #2. And bitch, please, now we’re repeating ourselves.

7. The Raincheck Text – According to our friends, “He’s not Houdini, but he just pulled a great disappearing act. Things were going swell; now getting him to respond to your texts and commit to plans is like pulling teeth. What’s up with that!?”

Bitch, Please: Your advice may be not to panic, which is true, but MY advice is see #2.

8. The Art of Bullshit Text – What does this even entail? Glad you asked! According to the all original Cosmo (the same magazine that has been recycling the same sex tips for at least 20 years rather than admitting it’s not rocket science), it entails something along the lines of “You looked better than Miranda Kerr in that dress last night.”

Bitch, Please: That’s just stupid. Who says that? That’s not even a compliment, really. A text like that circles back to #1 -they’re after something else. A true compliment is simply, “you look beautiful.” AND IS SAID IN PERSON, JESUS.

9. The One Worder – AKA “LOL” “HA” “K” 😉 or any other random emoticon. Cosmo says, “This can be like a dagger through the heart after you’ve spent so much brain-power trying to plan the perfect the flirty texts, only to get a simple one word response. Now instead of spending your time plotting witty banter, you are trying to dissect what he meant by “Ha.”

Bitch, Please: Text messaging has ruined communication. It is perfect for a quick, “on my way” or what have you, but one word answers are just as meaningless as those missives that read like Danielle Steel novels where he thinks he’s being sweet and you’re on the receiving end laughing and preying he’s drunk because who TEXTS that let alone says it? Why have witty banter over text? Save it for your next date!!!

That being said, yes I used to be guilty of all of this: not only of trying to craft the perfect response but of running it by 17 friends, throwing up a poll on Facebook, googling cute pick-up lines, crying for an hour-and-a-half over #s 2,3,6 & 7, and relying WAY TOO MUCH on my phone to get my flirt on. Now that I’ve stopped doing all of that, I am blissfully enjoying a quite phone and dormant love life. Hey, wait a minute….