How to tell if you’re on a date and if it’s going well – maybe

You move to a new state. You know zero people. You are hesitant to join the cesspool that is OKCupid given your luck with it in the past, until you remember you’ve spent the past six years perfecting the walk of shame after you’ve spent night after night with the same emotionally unavailable person who barely likes you.

So you rejoin OKCupid.

Bachelor #1 is, like you, also a transplant and from the Midwest. He is cuter than his picture. He is funny and smart. You realize it’s a date AND it’s going well when he returns from the bathroom and you tell him you just texted your friend to tell her you are on a date with a guy who had met her favorite NFL player and upon hearing this he does NOT flee the premises. You talk for hours. The man makes you giggle, giggle like a ten year old plotting their life out so that it leads them to marry Joey from New Kids on the Block. Did that not make sense? Who cares! You’re in love. This is perfect. You even consider emailing the COO of the company that just fired you to thank him because otherwise you would not have met your SOUL MATE 72-hours after you moved to a new state and OMG can you IMAGINE how cute your engagement pictures are going to be? You both agree the date was the BEST FIRST DATE EVER. So why would you think there wouldn’t be a second one. He tells you that he’s enamored. Good job, girl!

And then….radio silence. Don’t panic, you tell yourself. He went back home for his brother’s engagement party. He’s with family. Just because you haven’t heard from him does not mean there is any need to panic. You decide to send a flirty “can’t wait for our second date,” type of text, and no you don’t use those exact words but your old therapist used to tell you that sometimes when you think you are being clear about your feelings it is actually the opposite so just in CASES you want to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that you are 100% wanting a second date, sir. He responds eight hours later with a text about koozies. So then you start to think that maybe there’s a problem. You start to go over things in your head. Bad idea.

Then you get the call. But not the call you’re hoping for. It’s the “I am not over my recent breakup and need to slow down” type of call. The very last thing you want to hear. You’re devastated. Fine, it was only one date, but your dates NEVER go that well. They usually involve faking an illness, injury or sick roommate you need to take care of. And you just moved thousands of miles away from your friends so you’re looking for justification that you made the right decision like immediately if not sooner and Mr. Man was going to be that reason except now he’s not.

Yeah, rejoining OKCupid was a HORRIBLE idea. But you decide not to give up. Because you can’t, even though you pretty much feel like this:

Bachelor #2 calls you to ask you on a date and seems normal. And he’s pretty cute in his profile pictures. So you decide, okay, why not? Whoever walks up to your table is BARELY the person that was in the pictures online, so your first thought is pretty much this:

Even though the conversation on the phone went well, there is awkward silence after awkward silence. He’s boring. You ask him if he likes to travel and he mentions Florida (outside the US maybe??? I thought that question implied more than once or to one other state. But I digress). You barely touch your food and forlornly think about Bachelor #1 the whole night. You’re on a date and it’s not going well, so it’s only natural to think of the best first date ever while you tune him out except you really don’t have to because SO MUCH AWKWARD SILENCE.

So many thoughts are going through your head like:

Panic: Will I ever go on another good date again??

and:

Indifference: don’t be so quick to judge, stick it out, it’s only one evening of your life and:

In which case you should

But then when he asks you if you would like to show him how you make out in public, you’re all:

And also, the fact that he said that as a man over the age of anything coupled with the fact that you were not sending make out vibes his way, you really want to say something like

The good news is that somewhere between your umpteenth walk of shame and Utah, you grew a back bone and were able to politely reject him so he doesn’t contact you EVER AGAIN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Bachelor #3 you meet organically. You’re sitting at the bar at Chili’s by yourself, watching baseball, and trying to ignore the 60 year old dude at the end of the bar who insists on buying you drinks and creepily asks you to come closer because he doesn’t bite. On the OTHER side of you is Bach #3, henceforth known as Josh Duhamel (because he’s that pretty) or Hottie McHott. You don’t even bother trying to talk to him because

and guys that pretty never give you the time of day. But he strikes up a conversation with you. And asks for your number. What universe is this, where Hottie McHott could potentially want to see you again? As (bad) luck would have it, he asks you out the same night you already have plans with Bach #2, so you have to push plans into the next week, but it’s okay because he still wants to hang out, YAY. You are so excited because you’re finally sticking it to your loser high school self:

Hottie McHott is fun. And sweet. And nice. And a gentleman. Dates 1-3 happen on consecutive nights (you are definitely on a date and it’s definitely going well!!) and you’re considering letting your guard down a little when at the end of date three, there is a miss-communication that occurs that may or may not indicate he is only interested in engaging in certain activities that involve the lower half of your body. And then he’s out of town all weekend, and then on Monday you get an apology via text message and then you tell him you want to hear it in person because goddammit you are sick of getting asked out and flirted with and broken up with etc etc etc over text message and if he’s really sorry he should fucking say it to your face, right?? So then basically he’s like “JK I want to see you JK it’s too fast JK can we have dinner JK you have to go JK JK JK JK,” which as your friend points out is not even suitable for a teenager. When he tells you he wants to slow down, you have one thought and one thought only:

If that’s the case, why bother apologizing to begin with? And it wasn’t too fast for him on date three now was it? You’re just relieved you didn’t give in to his hottie mchottness charm and engage in said activities because then you’d feel even MORE like shit than you already do.

How could it have spiraled in the wrong direction so quickly, you wonder?

By the time you get to Bachelor #4, who you also met when you went to a bar to watch sports, you show up to a psudo-date wearing a Bears t-shirt and a cotton skirt and no makeup because who gives a fuck??? And he is coming from work and wearing a tie and looks all professional and cute and things go well but you’re not getting any sort of vibe from him to indicate he wants to see you again.

It is after you say goodbye to him that you realize not only do you not know if that went well, but you don’t even know it was a date. It probably wasn’t.

And it’s on your way home that you realize you basically have no idea what’s going on with anything.

All confusion aside, you realize that in eight weeks in your new state you’ve had more dates than like the last three years combined in your old state so at the very least you’re getting out there and meeting people.

You are worried, however, that you’re coming across as

Or maybe that should just be your OKCupid profile headline. You never wanted to rejoin to begin with.

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