Taylor Swift is Hilarious

People.com’s top story right now is about how Taylor Swift falls in love easily.  I think we all knew that already, but fine.  It’s early, I needed some light reading material to go with my coffee, so I decided to bite.

The excerpts are hilarious and just…I don’t even know what.

I can’t fault the girl for writing about her heartache (hello, premise of my book) – but she’s only 22 so it’s hard for me to take gems like this seriously:

The songstress believes in love “even after it explodes into a million pieces and burns down and you’re standing in a pile of the ash of what it once was thinking, ‘Why did I have to meet this person, why did this have to happen?’ “

That’s maybe not the most eloquent analogy I’ve ever heard, but I do understand the sentiment well.  Once something falls apart you are indeed left wondering why, but it usually involves liquor and an angry blog post rather than, say, a #1 single.

She goes on to say:  “But then, when you make eye contact with someone across the room and it clicks and, bam, you’re there. In love again,” she says.

Ummm, okay.  That’s adorable.  I fell in love via eye contact once a week when I was 22, so I get it.

And then my favorite:  “But music is absolutely everything that I am and everything that I stand for. It’s not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then cheats and I write a song about it.”

First of all the whole “if someone gets into a relationship with me” thing makes it sound like it’s all on the guy and she has no say or control over herself or her choices.  Second of all, the cheating thing – I guess just the way she words it is odd – like maybe that’s the only reason all of her past relationships have ended?  Or she’s just singling someone out.  (P.S. Do you remember Singled Out on MTV?  I miss that show.  Also, can we discuss Jenny McCarthy’s hair?)

Now that I’ve gone completely off topic, have a nice Monday!

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Bitch, Shut Up!

This week has really produced some gems from certain celebrities that I hate and want banished to a deserted island for all of eternity.

First, we have Kim Kardashian basically saying going through a divorce is like surviving cancer.

Here is what she word vomited at us (via Complex):

“… [W]e decided to film for the wedding,” she says. “And that was a decision that [Kris Humphries] and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

Really?  Do you have ANY idea what it’s like living with cancer?  This should ESPECIALLY not come out of her pie hole because her dad died of cancer and she should know better.  Yes, divorce is painful and awful and I’m sure DOES teach you who your friends are.  But don’t play the cancer card when 1) your fake marriage lasted for less than three months and 2) it’s not actually life threatening.

She should know better.  Who is her publicist?  Someone needs to give that girl a lesson in what not to say, stat.

Then we have everyone’s favorite Train Wreck, Lindsay Lohan, equating “owning” a Birkin bag and Mac as “fighting to live your dreams. No, really.  Check it out:

I use the word “owning” loosely because she probably stole both of them.  Since she can’t even be bothered to show up on time to film her one scene for Scary Movie 5, how the hell can she afford a $30,000 purse (which, by the way, looks like it was dipped in a bucket of Pepto Bismol and glitter)?

I know that writing about the idiocy of these people won’t make them go away, but I wish they would.  Kim is a no-talent ass clown and Lindsay is a delusional, coked-out whore in desperate need of a solid year or longer of intense rehab and therapy.

I wish they would both just SHUT UP AND GO AWAY.

Once Again, Someone Beat Me To It

Yesterday when news broke that Amy Poehler and Will Arnet were ending their marriage, my Twitter and Facebook feeds exploded with various levels of devastation and people proclaiming that love no longer existed.  Really?  Did you know Will and Amy personally?  Did you attend their wedding, break one of your heels doing the Macarena and pass out on top of your bed in your full wedding attire but not before drunkenly making out with Will’s cousin Bill while declaring they were the greatest couple of all time?  Because unless you did, then really, you need to gain some perspective here.

Well Jezebel caught on to this ridiculousness and blessed us with the following blog about How to Survive the Demise of Your Favorite Celebrity Couple.  It could not be more condescending or sarcastic towards the group taking this personally, but is beyond hilarious – treating this breakup as you would your own personal devastation.  It is what I was thinking, but never wrote.

Similarly, some time ago, my friend Katie sent me a link to a hilarious and brilliantly amazing blog post entitled, here is what I hate about dating, which is everything I’ve ever thought but never written.  I read it and laughed so hard that a cried.

So basically, the next time I even have the faintest of thoughts about something to write, I’m just going to fucking write it.

Cheers to the weekend, people.

Coming Full Circle? (Rated R)

I spend way too much time reading gossip blogs and People.com and way too little time focusing on things that, you know, actually matter (politics, my marathon training, learning how to cook or something).   Why do I CARE about these things?  I really shouldn’t.

My favorite gossip blog is DListed because Michael K is a hilarious, snarky bitch, whereas People is notorious for being homerous suck-ups that never say anything negative so as not to miss an “exclusive” scoop.

I mean, how can you NOT love gems from DListed such as: (PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED AND IF MY MOTHER IS READING THIS, SHE SHOULD STOP)

Kim (Kardashian), kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I’ll paint it black if that helps.

OR

(Talking about a blind item involving a newly married singer that cheated on his wife right before the wedding):

I’m going to guess this is Michael Buble, because every time I see him I’m convinced his crotch smells like the Little Trees car freshener he rubs down there so his wife won’t get a nostril full of eau de side ho.

OR

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year’s Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal).

OR

(He was writing about how Brangelina took their child army to see Harry Potter in London, but rented out the whole theater for themselves):

Couldn’t they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap!

AND FINALLY

(Talking about Lindsay Lohan’s outfit):

Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she’d look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL.

Now, let’s look at the some of the lead headlines on People.com:

Jolie-Pitt Family Heads to France for Toys, Pizza, Fun! –> Yes, please let me read about children who get to buy out toy stores and travel the world.

PHOTO: John Mayer Chops His Hair! –> Well, he NEEDED to because he looked like he was homeless and hadn’t showered in six months, but he also has 400 STDs and a hair cut won’t disguise that he’s still gross.

Snooki Gives Birth to a Boy –> Dear lord WHO allowed this woman to procreate??

I mean, really.  None of this matters.  I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care enough to care that I care.

Since reading about things like the gross incompetence of the US Congress, the crime in Chicago, the bankruptcy of Chicago, or the record of the Chicago Cubs is FAR too depressing, it’s easier to bury myself in the world of meaningless celebrity gossip that for some reason garners millions in yearly ad revenue for the sites that report on this nonsense.

In terms of needing to escape from reality, I could certainly have far worse habits, but really:  my marathon training is in ruins.  HELP!!!

Depressing

I was just on DListed and there is a post about celebrities under 30 who made the most money from May 2011-May 2012 (put together by Forbes, of course).  The full list is below, and I copied and pasted from DListed because he has the BEST nicknames for people:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 – $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 – $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 – $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 – $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 – $45 million
6. Adele, 24 – $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 – $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 – $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 – $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 – $26.5 million

Justin Bieber made $55 million dollars in a year?  Really?

That’s a lot of eenie meenie miney mo loving.

Also – this is beyond depressing.  I’m older than all of these people and my net worth is in the negatives, I’m fairly certain.  When people who at one point or another make this much money and then blow it all on heroin and  hookers only to become broke and forced to headline a ten-year old’s birthday party just so they can pay the rent in their cracked out studio get absolutely ZERO sympathy from me.  $55 million in a year is enough to set you for life.  So how celebrities like this wind up broke is beyond me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to cry at my desk.

Blind Items, Meaningless Crap & Being Grateful

I spend WAY too much time reading gossip blogs like DListed & Crazy Days and Nights.  DListed is run by Michael K, whose snarky and bitchtastic posts keep me entertained on a daily basis.  I started reading CDAN after Michael linked to one of the posts on the site.  CDAN is run by an anonymous entertainment lawyer (literally calls himself Enty Lawyer).  Between the two of them, I can stay on top of the oh-so-important world of celebrity gossip (which is actually the least important thing ever, which is why I am going to continue to write about it).

Both blogs will often feature blind items.  Michael K will posts them in an “I guess, you guess format” (he guesses who he thinks they’re about and then everyone else voices their opinions in the comments section).  Enty Lawyer lets you comment, but then twice a year he’ll actually reveal some.

It really makes me wonder though – who are the people running around Hollywood spilling all these secrets?  I can definitely see how an assistant key grip that got shit on by Jennifer Aniston would try to leak some secrets about her.  But how do people know what is credible and what isn’t?

For example:   It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed.

This is obviously about Tim Tebow and a Kardashian (or Lindsay Lohan…or Katy Perry…or, well, anyone really).  I’ve never bought his virginity act either.  With how popular he was at Florida and all the fanatical fans he has, I find it hard to believe he was able to resist hoochtastic chickadees flinging themselves at him left and right.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  He’s only human.  If lying about his virginity is the worst thing he ever does, then he’d still be in the upper-echelon of football players who don’t break the law and are mostly good people, in general, when they don’t have enablers telling them they can do no wrong so they wind up like Ben Roethlisberger.

This one is obviously about Jay Cutler & Kristin Cav – so when they announced they were expecting a baby this summer via People Mag, I had just been waiting for “when” not “if.”

So obviously the formula here is pull two names out of a hate (doesn’t matter if they are the same-sex) and make some shit up.  There you have it.

Now with Twitter as popular as it is, news and rumors are breaking faster than ever.  And celebrities are turning to their Twitter pages to dispel rumors about themselves.

Lindsay Lohan is the #1 offender of doing this.  Last week, paramedics were called to her hotel when she was found unresponsive in her hotel room (or something…there are also rumors going around that her handlers sent paramedics to the hotel ahead of time because she is such a cracked out mess).  The understanding around the biz is that she was partying so hard (alcohol, coke, meth, the nectar of a cactus, etc) she just didn’t wake up.

She of course vomited this out on her Twitter page:  Note to self.. After working 85hours in 4days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door…. Hopefully theyre cute. Otherwise it would be a real let down.

Bitch is so stupid she doesn’t realize that working 85 hours in four days breaks every labor law imaginable and all the poor non-actors working on the set of Liz & Dick would legally not be able to do that.  But Lindsay has the IQ of a dung beetle, so she doesn’t think before she Tweets crap like that.  I’m surprised she didn’t tweet that’d she’d been working 72 hours over the course of a day-and-a-half.

So then, union investigators get involved and learn the cast and crew worked 70-75 hours in five days (or about 14-15 hour days).  But I can see how Lindsay would be confused, since she hasn’t worked longer than 85 hours in the past five YEARS let alone five days.

It drives me crazy that delusional, talent-less crack jobs like her continue to get free passes in life.  Which is why I should not be writing about her – or any other celebrity.   But they live in a different world that, like it or not, we often want to be a part of.

What reading all this garbage does for me, however, is make me appreciate that I DON’T live in that world.  Sure, I’ll never be as rich, but I also won’t have so-called “friends” selling my secrets to the tabloids.  It’s nice to have people in my life I can trust and don’t have to deal with the rampant deception that runs through NYC and Los Angeles.  And yes, I’m aware deception happens everywhere to everyone, but most of the time people (including myself) are able to go through mistakes, heartbreaks and failures in private, rather than having it be the lead story on People.com.  And for that, I am grateful.

And yes, I realize that with this book, I will be doing just that – sharing all of the above with the masses (if I can actually get this thing published).  But the main difference is that I am choosing to share it after the fact rather than have it forced upon me.  I have the choice – and for that, I am eternally grateful.