Celebs – A Series of Very Bad Decisions

Taylor Swift is Hilarious

People.com’s top story right now is about how Taylor Swift falls in love easily. I think we all knew that already, but fine. It’s early, I needed some light reading material to go with my coffee, so I decided to bite.

The excerpts are hilarious and just…I don’t even know what.

I can’t fault the girl for writing about her heartache (hello, premise of my book) – but she’s only 22 so it’s hard for me to take gems like this seriously:

The songstress believes in love “even after it explodes into a million pieces and burns down and you’re standing in a pile of the ash of what it once was thinking, ‘Why did I have to meet this person, why did this have to happen?’ “

That’s maybe not the most eloquent analogy I’ve ever heard, but I do understand the sentiment well. Once something falls apart you are indeed left wondering why, but it usually involves liquor and an angry blog post rather than, say, a #1 single.

She goes on to say: “But then, when you make eye contact with someone across the room and it clicks and, bam, you’re there. In love again,” she says.

Ummm, okay. That’s adorable. I fell in love via eye contact once a week when I was 22, so I get it.

And then my favorite: “But music is absolutely everything that I am and everything that I stand for. It’s not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then cheats and I write a song about it.”

First of all the whole “if someone gets into a relationship with me” thing makes it sound like it’s all on the guy and she has no say or control over herself or her choices. Second of all, the cheating thing – I guess just the way she words it is odd – like maybe that’s the only reason all of her past relationships have ended? Or she’s just singling someone out. (P.S. Do you remember Singled Out on MTV? I miss that show. Also, can we discuss Jenny McCarthy’s hair?)

Now that I’ve gone completely off topic, have a nice Monday!

Bitch, Shut Up!

This week has really produced some gems from certain celebrities that I hate and want banished to a deserted island for all of eternity.

First, we have Kim Kardashian basically saying going through a divorce is like surviving cancer.

Here is what she word vomited at us (via Complex):

“… [W]e decided to film for the wedding,” she says. “And that was a decision that [Kris Humphries] and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life [brace yourselves], like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”

Really? Do you have ANY idea what it’s like living with cancer? This should ESPECIALLY not come out of her pie hole because her dad died of cancer and she should know better. Yes, divorce is painful and awful and I’m sure DOES teach you who your friends are. But don’t play the cancer card when 1) your fake marriage lasted for less than three months and 2) it’s not actually life threatening.

She should know better. Who is her publicist? Someone needs to give that girl a lesson in what not to say, stat.

Then we have everyone’s favorite Train Wreck, Lindsay Lohan, equating “owning” a Birkin bag and Mac as “fighting to live your dreams. No, really. Check it out:

I use the word “owning” loosely because she probably stole both of them. Since she can’t even be bothered to show up on time to film her one scene for Scary Movie 5, how the hell can she afford a $30,000 purse (which, by the way, looks like it was dipped in a bucket of Pepto Bismol and glitter)?

I know that writing about the idiocy of these people won’t make them go away, but I wish they would. Kim is a no-talent ass clown and Lindsay is a delusional, coked-out whore in desperate need of a solid year or longer of intense rehab and therapy.

I wish they would both just SHUT UP AND GO AWAY.

Once Again, Someone Beat Me To It

Yesterday when news broke that Amy Poehler and Will Arnet were ending their marriage, my Twitter and Facebook feeds exploded with various levels of devastation and people proclaiming that love no longer existed. Really? Did you know Will and Amy personally? Did you attend their wedding, break one of your heels doing the Macarena and pass out on top of your bed in your full wedding attire but not before drunkenly making out with Will’s cousin Bill while declaring they were the greatest couple of all time? Because unless you did, then really, you need to gain some perspective here.

Well Jezebel caught on to this ridiculousness and blessed us with the following blog about How to Survive the Demise of Your Favorite Celebrity Couple. It could not be more condescending or sarcastic towards the group taking this personally, but is beyond hilarious – treating this breakup as you would your own personal devastation. It is what I was thinking, but never wrote.

Similarly, some time ago, my friend Katie sent me a link to a hilarious and brilliantly amazing blog post entitled, here is what I hate about dating, which is everything I’ve ever thought but never written. I read it and laughed so hard that a cried.

So basically, the next time I even have the faintest of thoughts about something to write, I’m just going to fucking write it.

Cheers to the weekend, people.

Coming Full Circle? (Rated R)

I spend way too much time reading gossip blogs and People.com and way too little time focusing on things that, you know, actually matter (politics, my marathon training, learning how to cook or something). Why do I CARE about these things? I really shouldn’t.

My favorite gossip blog is DListed because Michael K is a hilarious, snarky bitch, whereas People is notorious for being homerous suck-ups that never say anything negative so as not to miss an “exclusive” scoop.

I mean, how can you NOT love gems from DListed such as: (PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED AND IF MY MOTHER IS READING THIS, SHE SHOULD STOP)

Kim (Kardashian), kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I’ll paint it black if that helps.

(Talking about a blind item involving a newly married singer that cheated on his wife right before the wedding):

I’m going to guess this is Michael Buble, because every time I see him I’m convinced his crotch smells like the Little Trees car freshener he rubs down there so his wife won’t get a nostril full of eau de side ho.

Patients in Los Angeles-area hospitals suffering from severe constipation and extreme vomit phobias were transported to the premiere of New Year’s Eve Apocalypse Eve at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre last night for five reasons: Lea Michele, Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel (or as their known in the medical community: suppository, douche, enema, diuretic and activated charcoal).

(He was writing about how Brangelina took their child army to see Harry Potter in London, but rented out the whole theater for themselves):

Couldn’t they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap!

AND FINALLY

(Talking about Lindsay Lohan’s outfit):

Just slip a pair of platform flip-flops on HoHan and she’d look exactly like a sun-damaged day-shift hooker trying to trade handjobs for a gram outside of a Super 8 in Gainesville, FL.

Now, let’s look at the some of the lead headlines on People.com:

Jolie-Pitt Family Heads to France for Toys, Pizza, Fun! –> Yes, please let me read about children who get to buy out toy stores and travel the world.

PHOTO: John Mayer Chops His Hair! –> Well, he NEEDED to because he looked like he was homeless and hadn’t showered in six months, but he also has 400 STDs and a hair cut won’t disguise that he’s still gross.

Snooki Gives Birth to a Boy –> Dear lord WHO allowed this woman to procreate??

I mean, really. None of this matters. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care enough to care that I care.

Since reading about things like the gross incompetence of the US Congress, the crime in Chicago, the bankruptcy of Chicago, or the record of the Chicago Cubs is FAR too depressing, it’s easier to bury myself in the world of meaningless celebrity gossip that for some reason garners millions in yearly ad revenue for the sites that report on this nonsense.

In terms of needing to escape from reality, I could certainly have far worse habits, but really: my marathon training is in ruins. HELP!!!

Depressing

I was just on DListed and there is a post about celebrities under 30 who made the most money from May 2011-May 2012 (put together by Forbes, of course). The full list is below, and I copied and pasted from DListed because he has the BEST nicknames for people:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 – $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 – $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 – $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 – $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 – $45 million
6. Adele, 24 – $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 – $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 – $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 – $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 – $26.5 million

Justin Bieber made $55 million dollars in a year? Really?

That’s a lot of eenie meenie miney mo loving.

Also – this is beyond depressing. I’m older than all of these people and my net worth is in the negatives, I’m fairly certain. When people who at one point or another make this much money and then blow it all on heroin and hookers only to become broke and forced to headline a ten-year old’s birthday party just so they can pay the rent in their cracked out studio get absolutely ZERO sympathy from me. $55 million in a year is enough to set you for life. So how celebrities like this wind up broke is beyond me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to cry at my desk.