Yesterday, I stumbled across this article in the Chicago Tribune about eHarmony launching a new app this week – The Bad Date Rescue app.
Here’s a blurb about what it does:
The free app includes several ways to set up a rescue. Users can pick a number from their address book for the call, for example from their mother or a friend. It the person’s picture is stored on the app it will appear on the screen when the call comes through.
Scripts are available giving the reason for the call, such as a neighbor calling about a leaky pipe; a mother informing that a sister just had a baby; or a boss saying he needs help immediately.
The free app can be pre-set before the date to call at a specific time and there is a quick rescue that can be triggered on the spot to ring in a few seconds or minutes.
File this app under “The Most Useless Thing EVER.”
First of all, we’ve all had contingency plans in place before – let’s be honest. I’ve had to do it for friends and they’ve had to do it for me (I think). Because this type of thing has existed for so long, to me, renders this app completely unnecessary.
Second of all, the director of product management claims, “It graciously allows you to play along and to get out of that situation.” But he’s not fooling anyone. It doesn’t graciously allow you jack squat. If you ARE on a date and either you receive an “emergency” call or your date does, both of you are going to know what’s REALLY going on without having to admit it or have that uncomfortable, adult conversation where you just say, “It was nice to meet you, but I don’t think this is a match.” That’s a total of 14 words most of us are so unwilling to say.
Here are a five apps eHarmony should consider instead:
The Broken Heart app: Basically Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds you so that random sights, smells or memories don’t make you temporarily unable to breathe because you’re so upset being reminded of your ex.
The Profile Picture app: Will send you a picture of what the person you’re talking to will look like five years older and 20-pounds heavier because we all know people put up pictures of themselves that do not accurately represent their current appearance.
The Shut The Fuck Up app: Download this app so that when you’re on your date and one of you brings up any of those off-limit first through tenth date topics (ex’s, divorces, politics, finance, religion, Ohio State, OJ Simpson, or the Kardashians), the app will immediately sense this and to break up the conversation and distract you will immediately start blaring “MMMBop.”
The Blood Alcohol Content app: Turns wine into water once you reach a certain level so that you don’t get tanked and make a very bad decision.
The Facebook Status app: Automatically texts you your date’s status update after you’ve parted ways for the evening, so you know whether or not you’re getting a second one (regardless of whether or not you are FB friends with your date). Could also be called Thank God I Don’t Have to Obsessively Check My Phone and Accidentally Walk off a Pier app.
I think any of the above would be much more useful that the app they’ve currently developed. Someone get their product team on the phone, stat.
A Series of Very Bad Decisions 