Now I’m a Grey’s Anatomy Episode

Do you remember how in Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy, McDreamy basically calls Meredith a whore even though he has no right to do that because he chose Addison over her and therefore cannot get mad at her for sleeping with lots of inappropriate men?  Here is a refresher:

Angry for no reason? Or at least angry for a reason of which he is unwilling to admit? Well, that’s kind of how I feel right now with B3. I faced the wrath this morning. I was upset because we had plans last night to talk and he blew me off, so when I told him I was upset he kind of unleashed his wrath on me. It devolved fairly quickly, from last week telling me he missed me and we were being a bit flirty over text to him saying this morning that he wants nothing from me, including friendship. But I don’t know why he’s so mad at me since I’m the one who was wholeheartedly rejected. I told him that I would not apologize for falling for him. I am not at all saying I’m not to blame for some of this, what I don’t understand is why of all of sudden he’s so mad at me, and for what reason?

The utter lack of communication is not helping. The texting only is not helping. We’ve only ever had ONE phone conversation. It’s dysfunction junction.

I think it’s time to give up dating and shift my focus back to the book.

 

 

 

 

Now I’m just depressed

My blogging has been in ruins since I fried my laptop. I’m posting this from my iPad. I can’t elaborate on the fuckeduptitude (new word) of what happened with B3. However, I would like to briefly revisit B1. I’d been here in California about three days when we had our date. We met at 2pm. At 3:15, I texted my friend, “OMG I love him.” Is that some kind of world record? Now, I am just reminded of Sassy Gay Friend. Look at your life. Look at your choices.

Now I’m a Delilah caller

I used to listen to Delilah in high school/college, though I am not sure why. But I feel like all her calls are one of two extremes: some over the top in love person rubbing it in our faces, in which D will play one of three songs she keeps in rotation, or the person that just had their heart wrenched out of them through their feet and feels like there is no other option than to call this random bitch and tell her and then she goes and plays some stupid irrelevant song like “Somewhere Out There.”

Last night, I told Bachelor #3 we needed to take a break. He sent me a text that, while was completely a joke, made me extremely upset because of the intent behind the text. It was that wake up call I needed – he would be FINE with me dating other people, while the thought of HIM dating other people is like

So, after I calmly told him that we clearly weren’t on the same page and I had to jump ship, I lost my shit in the parking garage. But at least I didn’t cry on the phone.

It’s for the best, because the more we hung out, the further in I fell, while he stayed in the same place. Plus. I don’t know. I don’t get what he sees when he looks at me. Gisele, I am not. I look in the mirror, and see

which means the constant stress of worrying that eventually he’ll realize I’m a 5 AT BEST was totally cutting in to my fun.

So, it sucks, but it had to happen. And now….?

I’m a Britney Spears song

I’m still hanging out with Bachelor #3. We’re in quite the grey area right now and it’s too soon to ask him to define anything, lest I send him running for the hills. Yes, I am aware it’s my own fault. And while things are going well and we seem to have moved past the misunderstandings we’ve had, I still consider him a flight risk. But mostly, I like him. I like the way he laughs, and that we can talk about anything, and I love the way he teases me, and holds my hand, and remembers random things I tell him, and etc etc etc. I don’t like that he’s still trying to maintain some sort of distance and that I am stressing out about even texting him right now because he’s obviously not ready for something serious and I need to respect that and why is dating so FUCKING hard? I’m also just biding my time until he disappears. At which point, my only logical thought process will be

You know all the rules – don’t appear too eager, let him come to you, play hard to get, etc.

And if I follow them or I don’t, it never really matters.  They disappear anyway. In fact, I am curious as to why B3 hasn’t disappeared already. We made plans to hang out this past Sunday and watch football, so I asked him if he wanted to pick me up before the first games started. He said it would depend on how late he was out on Saturday. I spent a good portion of the early hours of Sunday morning convinced he was blowing me off, and it was over, when it reality, he only ended up picking me up 30 minutes later than I had originally suggested.

We ended up having a lot of fun, but now I’m not sure what our next plan is.

What I WANT to do is ask him to go to Catalina for the day or something, because as much as I love watching sports with him, we need to do something else, but I’ll probably come off looking like this:

So, there’s the part of me that thinks he likes me and he’s just not ready, and the other side of me that thinks he’s Gamey McPlayerson. Except … I don’t know – take Mr. Titspervert for example. He told me he didn’t want anything serious and dropped off the face of the planet. B3 told me he didn’t want anything serious but is sticking around for whatever reason. Between Mr. TP and John Doe, my basis for comparison is so fucked up I don’t know my head from my ass:

This is all very confusing. I’ll see myself out.

In a move I like to call: you’re a moron…

I thought things with Bachelor #3 were done. Over the weekend I got another apology, minus an explanation, plus the whole, “I want to be friends more than anything” speech.

Eye-roll. I could have responded in one of three ways:

1 – Completely ignore him

2 – Tell him to go fuck himself

3- Agree to be friends because guys never mean it anyway and who cares

I stupidly chose option 3. Apparently he was serious, and told me he was going to pick me up on Sunday morning and we were going to go watch football.

Everything was fine, except he picked up the tab, which does not align with being friends. And we had a blast – at least I did, who knows what he was thinking. He even threatened to buy me a Maurice Clarett jersey for Christmas as part of his imposed therapy and insistence that I get over the end result of the 2003 Fiesta Bowl (that was not FUCKING pass interference!!).

(Side note: I’ve finally figured out how to tell if you’re on a date in Southern California, and that is whether or not they walk you to your car. If they do, it’s a date, if they leave you to fend for yourself in an eight story parking garage – probably not.)

Anyway. So it’s fine, I am thinking okay, we’ll be friends, because I’m still new here and he’s fun, and I don’t want to give up fun even though the pendulum of “fucked up” has already swung back and forth numerous times between “awww” and “run for your life” in the precisely three weeks that I have known him.

But Monday when I asked him if I could buy him drinks later this week because he’s paid for everything else, I get a text back saying he needs me to know that he’s a dick when it comes to dating (pause for reaction)…

…and that he sees the way I look at him when we kiss and he doesn’t want to hurt me.

First of all: SO MUCH CONDESCENSION.

Second of all: That ship has already sailed far far away after our third date.

Third of all: You have paid for everything we’ve done so far including when you just wanted to be “friends” (pause to look up definition)…

…Then I offer to buy you some drinks and maybe throw in some baseball and all of a sudden the way I looked at you when you last kissed me over a week ago is now a problem?

To make matters worse, I got a barrage of OKCupid messages on Sunday night in a play I like to call the End of Weekend Blues. The candidates were as follows:

One guy listed on his profile weed as one of the six things he can’t live without and that the first thing people usually notice about him is how he gets down (??). One guy was 51. Automatic no. One guy could not get his subject/verb agreement right (You meet Jay Cutler), and one couldn’t form a complete sentence: “Good morning miss looking gorgeous and oh yeah Ohio not a real state ;)”.

So is it any wonder I want to continue to hang out with Hottie McHott even though he’s kind of a prick? When he’s not being a prick, he’s fun. I know, I know, I’ve learned nothing.

How to tell if you’re on a date and if it’s going well – maybe

You move to a new state. You know zero people. You are hesitant to join the cesspool that is OKCupid given your luck with it in the past, until you remember you’ve spent the past six years perfecting the walk of shame after you’ve spent night after night with the same emotionally unavailable person who barely likes you.

So you rejoin OKCupid.

Bachelor #1 is, like you, also a transplant and from the Midwest. He is cuter than his picture. He is funny and smart. You realize it’s a date AND it’s going well when he returns from the bathroom and you tell him you just texted your friend to tell her you are on a date with a guy who had met her favorite NFL player and upon hearing this he does NOT flee the premises. You talk for hours. The man makes you giggle, giggle like a ten year old plotting their life out so that it leads them to marry Joey from New Kids on the Block. Did that not make sense? Who cares! You’re in love. This is perfect. You even consider emailing the COO of the company that just fired you to thank him because otherwise you would not have met your SOUL MATE 72-hours after you moved to a new state and OMG can you IMAGINE how cute your engagement pictures are going to be? You both agree the date was the BEST FIRST DATE EVER. So why would you think there wouldn’t be a second one. He tells you that he’s enamored. Good job, girl!

And then….radio silence. Don’t panic, you tell yourself. He went back home for his brother’s engagement party. He’s with family. Just because you haven’t heard from him does not mean there is any need to panic. You decide to send a flirty “can’t wait for our second date,” type of text, and no you don’t use those exact words but your old therapist used to tell you that sometimes when you think you are being clear about your feelings it is actually the opposite so just in CASES you want to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that you are 100% wanting a second date, sir. He responds eight hours later with a text about koozies. So then you start to think that maybe there’s a problem. You start to go over things in your head. Bad idea.

Then you get the call. But not the call you’re hoping for. It’s the “I am not over my recent breakup and need to slow down” type of call. The very last thing you want to hear. You’re devastated. Fine, it was only one date, but your dates NEVER go that well. They usually involve faking an illness, injury or sick roommate you need to take care of. And you just moved thousands of miles away from your friends so you’re looking for justification that you made the right decision like immediately if not sooner and Mr. Man was going to be that reason except now he’s not.

Yeah, rejoining OKCupid was a HORRIBLE idea. But you decide not to give up. Because you can’t, even though you pretty much feel like this:

Bachelor #2 calls you to ask you on a date and seems normal. And he’s pretty cute in his profile pictures. So you decide, okay, why not? Whoever walks up to your table is BARELY the person that was in the pictures online, so your first thought is pretty much this:

Even though the conversation on the phone went well, there is awkward silence after awkward silence. He’s boring. You ask him if he likes to travel and he mentions Florida (outside the US maybe??? I thought that question implied more than once or to one other state. But I digress). You barely touch your food and forlornly think about Bachelor #1 the whole night. You’re on a date and it’s not going well, so it’s only natural to think of the best first date ever while you tune him out except you really don’t have to because SO MUCH AWKWARD SILENCE.

So many thoughts are going through your head like:

Panic: Will I ever go on another good date again??

and:

Indifference: don’t be so quick to judge, stick it out, it’s only one evening of your life and:

In which case you should

But then when he asks you if you would like to show him how you make out in public, you’re all:

And also, the fact that he said that as a man over the age of anything coupled with the fact that you were not sending make out vibes his way, you really want to say something like

The good news is that somewhere between your umpteenth walk of shame and Utah, you grew a back bone and were able to politely reject him so he doesn’t contact you EVER AGAIN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Bachelor #3 you meet organically. You’re sitting at the bar at Chili’s by yourself, watching baseball, and trying to ignore the 60 year old dude at the end of the bar who insists on buying you drinks and creepily asks you to come closer because he doesn’t bite. On the OTHER side of you is Bach #3, henceforth known as Josh Duhamel (because he’s that pretty) or Hottie McHott. You don’t even bother trying to talk to him because

and guys that pretty never give you the time of day. But he strikes up a conversation with you. And asks for your number. What universe is this, where Hottie McHott could potentially want to see you again? As (bad) luck would have it, he asks you out the same night you already have plans with Bach #2, so you have to push plans into the next week, but it’s okay because he still wants to hang out, YAY. You are so excited because you’re finally sticking it to your loser high school self:

Hottie McHott is fun. And sweet. And nice. And a gentleman. Dates 1-3 happen on consecutive nights (you are definitely on a date and it’s definitely going well!!) and you’re considering letting your guard down a little when at the end of date three, there is a miss-communication that occurs that may or may not indicate he is only interested in engaging in certain activities that involve the lower half of your body. And then he’s out of town all weekend, and then on Monday you get an apology via text message and then you tell him you want to hear it in person because goddammit you are sick of getting asked out and flirted with and broken up with etc etc etc over text message and if he’s really sorry he should fucking say it to your face, right?? So then basically he’s like “JK I want to see you JK it’s too fast JK can we have dinner JK you have to go JK JK JK JK,” which as your friend points out is not even suitable for a teenager. When he tells you he wants to slow down, you have one thought and one thought only:

If that’s the case, why bother apologizing to begin with? And it wasn’t too fast for him on date three now was it? You’re just relieved you didn’t give in to his hottie mchottness charm and engage in said activities because then you’d feel even MORE like shit than you already do.

How could it have spiraled in the wrong direction so quickly, you wonder?

By the time you get to Bachelor #4, who you also met when you went to a bar to watch sports, you show up to a psudo-date wearing a Bears t-shirt and a cotton skirt and no makeup because who gives a fuck??? And he is coming from work and wearing a tie and looks all professional and cute and things go well but you’re not getting any sort of vibe from him to indicate he wants to see you again.

It is after you say goodbye to him that you realize not only do you not know if that went well, but you don’t even know it was a date. It probably wasn’t.

And it’s on your way home that you realize you basically have no idea what’s going on with anything.

All confusion aside, you realize that in eight weeks in your new state you’ve had more dates than like the last three years combined in your old state so at the very least you’re getting out there and meeting people.

You are worried, however, that you’re coming across as

Or maybe that should just be your OKCupid profile headline. You never wanted to rejoin to begin with.

Already? Already

The time is here for me to come out of my moving-to-California hiatus and update this bitch.

The move went relatively smoothly minus my giant breakdown around 2 am in Vegas. The stress of everything came crashing down on me. Whereas while I was still in Chicago it manifested itself in other ways (loss of appetite, mostly) in Vegas I just started sobbing for the following reasons:

1) Still not over my end-of-April job loss. It wasn’t losing the actual job, it was the way it happened and that I didn’t hear from coworkers whose weddings I had been to or spent every day working side by side with – it was as if I didn’t exist. And that still bothers me.

2) John Doe, because of course.

3) Feeling like a giant failure in general, which had been piling up on me for the better part of four months. Ironic; you’d think moving here for a new job would make me feel accomplished, and it did for the most part, but leaving Chicago and my friends behind was hard, and all this emotion that I thought would come out earlier just all unleashed itself at the same time.

So, emotional breakdown over with, Katie and I got into Irvine the Friday before Labor Day. My last week in Chicago, it was suggested I reactivate my OK Cupid profile to see what Orange County had to offer in terms of single gentlemen. I changed my zip code on my profile but updated nothing else, in that it still said I lived in Chicago, blah blah blah, I hate Ohio State, the end.

Saturday night I get a message from a cute, normal dude we’ll call Bucky. We messaged/texted and made plans for Monday (Labor Day).  I should throw it out there that based on PREVIOUS OKC dates, my expectations for this one were rock bottom. We met at 2 pm. Eight and a half hours later, I got home. It was an amazing date, easily the best of my life. You know, everything goes right, you laugh, you click, there is never an awkward pause in conversation, you impress him with your 1985 Final Four knowledge and he even says, “best first date ever,” and that he’s “enamored.”

But no. No, there was no second date. How is that possible? I’m glad you asked! Bucky is not over his ex. GOD WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE? I’ve used that excuse more than once, true or false. He told me how amazing I was and how he’d never connected with anyone like that in his life BUT he needed time…and then he offered to set me up with someone else after referencing Two and a Half Men, at which point I tuned him out. Are you fucking KIDDING me, dude? If you’re not ready to date, don’t join a dating web site.

It’s baffling that before I’d even been here a week I was involved in guy drama. I was HOPING to leave that behind in Chicago. However, it gets worse. I saw Bucky this past Saturday afternoon at a bar, though he didn’t see me (at least I don’t think), and I didn’t talk to him, because I assumed it would be awkward. But after he was gone, I sent him a text, “Hey I think I just saw you at XYZ bar.” This really was not meant to be a stalker text, it really was meant to be, “I think I saw you”, with the fruitless hope of the “yeah I just left there, come meet us later at ABC bar” type of response. But no. NO. INSTEAD, I get a text saying he was in another state this weekend. If by another state you mean ten fucking feet in front of me, then yes, I agree. Otherwise…no. And furthermore, I don’t get the lie. Why not just ignore me like JD would have?

So because I am a paranoid freak and I over-analyze everything, I drew all of the following conclusions:

1) He didn’t see me, and when I texted him, he didn’t want me to know he had been there and didn’t see or talk to me.

2) He didn’t see me, and when I texted him, he didn’t want ME to think I had said hi to someone who I thought was him so his excuse for theoretically ignoring me was that it wasn’t him because he was in another state. (Highly unlikely)

3) He saw me and bolted.

4) Even though his back was to me, one of his friends caught me staring, pointed me out, they rushed paying the check and bolted.

It doesn’t matter, ultimately, because I shouldn’t have texted him so please don’t lecture me.

Aren’t you glad my dating ineptitude travels with me? You’re welcome.

Today’s edition of “Hey! Why didn’t I think of that?”

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This is my last week in Chicago. While I am very excited for my new job and adventure in Orange County, I am also sad to be leaving all of the friends I have made here over the past 6+ years. One of those friends is Mr. Titspervert, who took me to lunch today since he won’t be able to attend my going away party. He asked if I had any good dating stories of late, and I am sorry to say, the well is dry.

It’s kind of hard to date when you’re jobless, and depressed about being jobless, and don’t feel like you have much to offer because you’ve also gained weight, so I had to go back to the end of Dec/beginning of January when I was dating…let’s call him Johnny Utah.

Utah lured me to his apartment under the false pretenses of cooking me dinner, but when I got there, there was no dinner, no dinner prep, no nothing, in fact, except for lit candles intermittently lying around his apartment. When I presented him with a bottle of wine, his response was, “why did you bring that?” (I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE TO GO WITH THE DINNER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COOK ME, MORON). Anyway – my gut was telling me to run, and run fast. But running is what I do best, and I had promised my therapist I would try not to be so quick to judge or find flaws and really put some effort into this one. And so I stayed.

When I relayed all this to Mr. TP, he offered a suggestion that no one else had. Even though he’s married now, he was a carefree bachelor once and can still think like one – and he said to me, “do you think he was dating more than one person and got his nights mixed up?” I don’t know why I didn’t think of that sooner! Of course! He probably invited someone else over for “dinner” and forget he offered to actually COOK for me and then got confused and I ended up trying to drink a glass of wine while getting felt up and watching an NFL playoff game. It makes perfect sense!

Bitch, please: Cosmo’s horrible texting advice.

Text message on a mobile phone stating I've been seeing someone else.

I stumbled upon this “What Does His Text Mean” article filed under “dating advice” on Cosmo’s web site. It’s a whole bunch of WTF. Most guys say what they mean -no translation needed. And yet, here we are…

1. The send a pic text – Cosmo says: “Consider the recipient and make sure it’s someone you really trust. “This is the text that guys send to see how far they can get you to go,” says Henderson. “It rarely ends well. Our rule: If you wouldn’t send it to your mother, don’t send it.”

Bitch, Please: Thanks, Captain Obvious.  DOES HE OR DOES HE NOT WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? What if he already has? What if he sends it to his friends? What if it ends up on Deadspin? I can tell you it means this is not serious relationship material. They want to cruise right on past Relationship Central and into Boot Scootin’ Booty and sending pics of yourself other than being w/friends, fully clothed, at a social event, or one of your middle finger, is just a bad idea.

2. The noncommittal text = He’s just not that into you. And Cosmo’s expert says the same, so I won’t Bitch, Please this one.

3. The Double Text – Now we’re veering off the rails because Cosmo is talking about us being impatient central when Mr. Man takes longer than 70-seconds to respond to a text.

Bitch, Please: First of all, you’re off topic. Second of all, we KNOW what our back to back to back to back to back to back texts mean and we also probably know what their non-response means. That being said, what if he’s in a meeting or something? If you can’t wait a couple hours during the work day without panicking then there is a bigger issue at hand here.

4. The foodie text  – Cosmo’s example is a little baffling: “Are you free for a quick bite right now?,” “Share a strudel with me? I just made one. I know it’s 2:36 am, but it’s really good!” 

Bitch, Please: Why does this one need clarification? Are we now so desperate for meaning behind everything that we’re using ridiculous examples that never happen?

Which brings us to…

5. The Facebook Chat – First of all, not the same thing as texting, second of all, they use an example where two people haven’t met in person, therefore…

Bitch, Please: You are automatically disqualified.

6. The Grey Zone Text – No such thing. See #2. And bitch, please, now we’re repeating ourselves.

7. The Raincheck Text – According to our friends, “He’s not Houdini, but he just pulled a great disappearing act. Things were going swell; now getting him to respond to your texts and commit to plans is like pulling teeth. What’s up with that!?”

Bitch, Please: Your advice may be not to panic, which is true, but MY advice is see #2.

8. The Art of Bullshit Text – What does this even entail? Glad you asked! According to the all original Cosmo (the same magazine that has been recycling the same sex tips for at least 20 years rather than admitting it’s not rocket science), it entails something along the lines of “You looked better than Miranda Kerr in that dress last night.”

Bitch, Please: That’s just stupid. Who says that? That’s not even a compliment, really. A text like that circles back to #1 -they’re after something else. A true compliment is simply, “you look beautiful.” AND IS SAID IN PERSON, JESUS.

9. The One Worder – AKA “LOL” “HA” “K” 😉 or any other random emoticon. Cosmo says, “This can be like a dagger through the heart after you’ve spent so much brain-power trying to plan the perfect the flirty texts, only to get a simple one word response. Now instead of spending your time plotting witty banter, you are trying to dissect what he meant by “Ha.”

Bitch, Please: Text messaging has ruined communication. It is perfect for a quick, “on my way” or what have you, but one word answers are just as meaningless as those missives that read like Danielle Steel novels where he thinks he’s being sweet and you’re on the receiving end laughing and preying he’s drunk because who TEXTS that let alone says it? Why have witty banter over text? Save it for your next date!!!

That being said, yes I used to be guilty of all of this: not only of trying to craft the perfect response but of running it by 17 friends, throwing up a poll on Facebook, googling cute pick-up lines, crying for an hour-and-a-half over #s 2,3,6 & 7, and relying WAY TOO MUCH on my phone to get my flirt on. Now that I’ve stopped doing all of that, I am blissfully enjoying a quite phone and dormant love life. Hey, wait a minute….

F- in sarcasm, and other OKCupid fails

online-dating-explained

My friend is trying OKCupid again, and we’re keeping official stats this time as a mini study. And we’ll get back to you with the semi-sort-of-official results in a couple of weeks, but in the interim, here’s what she has to work with:

1st message:

Perfect cuddle size? That could also be described as fun size or bite size. :-X

You have strawberry blonde hair which probably means that sunblock is your best friend, but can pull off wearing warm colors like beige and orange. That’s all I got for that. What else is unique to you about being a ginger?

Where are you going for the hot air balloon ride? Are you doing that in NH?

Comparing her to what I can only assume is a candy bar and then talking about colors that match her hair? Can we say…WTF? As she said to me over G-Chat:

I CAN PULL OFF BEIGE? What the what? That’s not a compliment – “you look good in bland brown colors.”

Look, I get it – first messages can be awkward and it can take you four hours to construct the four most perfect sentences you’ve ever written, only to get no response (which is why I gave up) so I am not saying I can do any better. But, you have to give us something to work with here. Also, I don’t want to get into grammatical snobbery, but the second sentence is structured as if the sunblock can pull off those colors, not my friend. I believe we call that a misplaced modifier? (No wonder I’m alone).

She did not respond, so he sent a second message:

For some reason, I am going to take a stab in the dark and guess that you’ve had excellent luck on this site finding someone who’s incredibly gorgeous and everything else you’ve ever dreams of. 😉

She and I felt it was dripping in passive aggressive sarcasm, however others disagree.

Either way, we have yet another example of how awkward online dating can be – can some people who have met significant others this way offer some tips??