Category: Fun With Email

The OKCupid Fails Continue

imagesNo, not me, Susan again. This girl is giving me enough blog material for eternity.

She forwarded me these gems last night and today, and per usual I invite you to please enjoy my accompanying commentary.

I would first like to point out that the first gentleman’s profile indicates that he lives in the UK, otherwise known as the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. So, not sure that’s feasible to begin with – but then you look at his message and it’s like – fail after fail after fail. Like other entries of this nature, this is a cut and paste job – grammatical eye-bleeds are NOT mine. So without further adieu:

Hello princess,I was just looking at ur profile and When I saw your pic I found my self looking at one of the most beautiful lady.

Grammar fail on like seven levels.

But I am not sure how come such a beautiful lady like you can be single and why? Are you sure you are for real? Basically you are the most beautiful thing my eyes has ever seen in my life.

Yes I am for real (or in this case, Susan is) and unless you’re a chimney, please stop blowing smoke.

And now a bit about me! I do work as a police officer and have another job as a night hotel manager and I do study aviation to become a pilot.

Grammar fail x2, possibly x3. 

And I am single for over a year now and no kids unfortunately.

Yeah, so here’s the thing – it is great that you want kids, but being upset about not having them yet is not something to throw in an initial message on an online dating site.

I love travelling as I have been around over 22 countries so far. I hope u have a good day and hope to hear back from you soon.

Nemo.Xx

Sorry, Nemo, but I don’t think she’s going to try and find you.

Next up, we have the gentleman who messaged her four times in a row and never got a response to any of them:

12:23 AM:

 Wow ur like to good to b true:)
What is with all these guys using “ur” instead of the your or you’re? Like it’s that hard to type 2-3 extra letters? This isn’t a Nokia text message from 1998.
My name is Jason. I really enjoyed reading ur profile, especially how u chose a book #1 over ur phone#4…wow u appear to have depth:)
OKCupid asks you to list five things you can’t live without. Sure a smartphone could be on the list but some people were reading before they had a phone. Just an FYI, Jason.
I see ur online now so i’ll cut this short tryin to catch ya
Good luck!
12:28 AM:
its been too long since u went to a hockey game, atleast gotta experience a monarchs game here in manch…
Barf, barf, and did I mention, BARF? At least form a complete sentence, please.
12:29 AM:
i love fresh seafood too!
A new message a minute later? Really?
1:40 PM:
Hello miss:) hope ur day is well:)
And now I am sorry to say that you’ve been blocked.
And finally we have Bachelor #3 – and his response to Susan’s attempt to be polite:
12:55 AM:
you are a sexy ginger. makes me sad that you live so far away
This particular stud happens to live in NY. Susan lives in New Hampshire.
11:30 AM (Susan trying to be polite):
Thank you. Hope you have a good day.
12:01 PM:
ohhhh good  message lol. I’ll spice it up a little bit. I might need to see you in boy shorts 🙂
WTF is wrong with this dude? We don’t need to be spicing anything up before we’ve, you know, MET IN PERSON? And the boy shorts comments is super odd and not something I want to delve into.
I would like to think these messages are the exceptions rather than the rule, unfortunately, based on the emails I’ve gotten from her lately, that is not the case at all. But at least it gives us all a laugh.
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Perspective

One of the more tedious (yet hilarious) parts of this project is digging through old emails and Google chats so I can round out all my stories, include specific details, and make sure I’m not forgetting anything.  As I was doing that this morning, I came across the following email:

Dan told me that Lindsay told him that Ben told her that at my going away happy hour I told Ben’s friend’s girlfriend that him and Lindsay were dating.

This is like a game of Telephone gone wrong (but with vodka).

First of all – who CARES?  I mean, is this really something I was stressing over?  Erasing the fact that again, WHO CARES, I can’t believe I wasted any time at all worrying about something so asinine.

Even if I did or did not (and I am pretty sure I did not) out Dan & Lindsay’s relationship, they had no reason to keep it a secret.  No one cared.  The real cause of my stress was not wanting either Dan or Lindsay to be pissed at me, which is what I spent the rest of the e-mail stressing over.

This was back when I still wanted everyone to like me no matter what – now realizing that is not possible, I am rereading the email in disbelief.

Things I worried about back then were meaningless.  I try to only let the truly important things stress me out now – for example, emailing Tad Hamilton after I’d had time to process what he did and to say everything I should have said on the phone, but didn’t (because I was sitting in my therapist’s office when I took the call and was also too upset to say ANYTHING).

The last line of his response back to me is like a dagger:  You are fantastic Reva, and if you never talk to me again, my life is worse without you in it.

On the one hand – aww.  But on the other, MUCH BIGGER hand, if that were true, would he really have gotten back together with his ex?  I shouldn’t stress too much about this either — it’s done and over with.  But being less than two weeks removed, I’m still sad, baffled, and upset.

As for Dan and Lindsay?  Well, they never made it as a couple.  They’ve both moved on.  It’s my turn to do the same.