Bitch, what? Volume 1

I’m dying. Not literally. But I found my diary from my freshman year of college, and it’s a train wreck. Before I even got to the first entry, I opened the diary to see that, on the inside cover, I wrote out the lyrics to Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls.


Why, you ask? Wonderful question.

This specific lyric: “A thousand other boys could never reach you. How could I have been the one?” This may or may not refer to a guy who, at the time, I thought was the be all end all of my life (but who is now waiting tables at like, a Chili’s, and doesn’t have a license due to numerous DUIs). In high school (and almost all of my 20s), it was hard for me to let people in, especially guys. So when Mr. Baby Back Ribs swooped in, I felt all bajiggity.


This feeling of bliss lasted approximately two weeks before he hard passed on our situation and I was left with nothing but morose song lyrics.

It was bad – this happened at the end of my senior year of high school; and well into my freshman year of college I was still pining over this idiot rather than trying to shift my focus to guys at school who were present rather than 1,500 miles away and probably forgot I even existed.

The first entry of this diary was December 26, 1999. Even though I was in my freshman year of college, I spent a lot of time talking about my failed crushes from middle school and high school – you know, to set the stage.


This little excerpt is where I started laughing and dry heaving at the same time:

Second semester rolled around (1997) and that was when I truly believed in love at first sight. I met (name redacted) in my gym class. He supposedly liked me, but by the time I finally got up the nerve to ask him out, he told me he was “grounded.” The truth was, he was going out with someone else. This was probably the beginning of March when I asked him out. I wouldn’t talk to him for at least a week until he finally apologized. Then we were friends in a  very casual sense of the word.


Okay – first of all, (name redacted) was obviously a fucking liar. Second of all, I had a crush on like 19 other people at the same time, but he was always in my top five. He was so messed up – he played more than just me, and then started dating Skanky McBitchFace for quite some time until she cheated on HIM, and it was all just a giant disaster. Moral of the story – gym class sucks.


Oh, but it gets better. At the same time I was pining over (name redacted), my friend Whitney asked me to help her in the drama club with props for a play they were working on. I said yes because there was a senior, Chad, in the play who I had a crush on. However, at the end of the first rehearsal is when I laid eyes on Someone Else. Immediately, I decided I was in love. (I remember very distinctly that Someone Else gave me a ride home from rehearsal one night and “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls came on the radio and he started singing and I pretty much figured life would never get better than that.)

And then…

At drama festival in March, I wigged out when he was all over a girl from another school. That was pretty much the worst day of my life.

Just so there is no confusion, this March I keep speaking of is March of the same year, 1997. So I was equally obsessed with (name redacted) and Someone Else and had already decided I’d experienced the worst day of my life because Someone Else spent the day pawing over a girl from another high school whose name escapes me because who cares.


Now it gets ever more cringeworthy – first of all because this is something I wrote about as a freshman in college and it is all high school shit and second of all:



I met Mac. I had a crush on him and so did my friend K. K and I both had a crush on this guy D, but he liked me so we had maybe a four day fling (we never even kissed) but I liked Mac more so I ended it. Then D asked K to his prom (which I wanted to go to because Someone Else would be there). K dumped D for Mac because he liked her and then it gave me an excuse to go back to chasing Someone Else.

They all had my phone number – I wonder why none of them ever called.


After I wrap up the last two years of high school, complete with writing the most cliché shit ever about Mr. Baby Back Ribs (something about my emotions being too intense and complicated to explain), I proceed to list out all the guys I had kissed up to this point (WITH COMMENTARY). Probably because:


Some highlights (names withheld):

…Well I don’t know his last name, it was one kiss.


…UGGH (this person now has a joint Facebook account with his significant other – bullet dodged)

…sometimes revenge is the worst idea (thank you diary for reminding me of a guy I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT)

…We all make mistakes

As you can see, I was making bad decisions as early as 15 years old.

And yes, I covered all of this in the same entry, 12/26/1999.




Vegas, Baby

Even though what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, with me going there in one week for Christmas, I wanted to recap my previous trips – at least the parts that are publishable.

Trip 1: June 2006

Occasion: Bachelorette Party

Hotel: Tropicana

Highlights: Having a 38-year old balding man that I’d be hotter if I lost weight. Having random guys buy us drinks at Ghost Bar. Having a table of men at Ghost Bar invite us to join them while buying us a bottle of $300 champagne. Having to tell the bachelorette they were not inviting us back to our suite to be nice and that we should skedaddle. It was also about 120-degrees the whole time we were there. Even though it was the least amount of fun I’ve ever had there, I still fell in love.

Trip 2: March 2007

Occasion: Moving to Chicago, stopping en route from San Diego

Hotel: the Palms

Highlights: Our room was pretty awesome and trying to watch my mom figure out the penny slots was hilarious. My going away party in San Diego had been the night before so I was fairly hungover. We got to the hotel, gambled for a bit and then went to bed. But it was the most comfortable bed ever.

Trip 3: June 2009

Occasion: Melissa’s 30th birthday

Hotel: Stratosphere (NEVER stay there)

Highlights: Watching Fat Elvis sing. Having a blast. Laughing a ton. Gambling. Sun bathing. SO MUCH FUN.

Trip 4: April 2010

Occasion: Bachelorette Party

Hotel: Mandalay Bay

Highlights: On the plane ride there, having a random dude buy me drinks the whole flight. Playing flip cup by the pool. 85-degree weather. Winning $340 on the slots. Going to a club with an amazing group. Being up until 4am,

Trip 5: December 2010

Occasion: Christmas w/my brother

Hotel: Bally’s

Highlights: Relaxing, low key trip, winning $600 playing black jack and pai gow.

Trip 6: May 2011

Occasion: My 30th birthday

Hotel: MGM Grand

Highlights: Pool time, Ghost Bar, watching the sun rise, being with my amazing friends…have I mentioned that I LOVE VEGAS???


Anatomy of a Boy Band

I’ve loved two boy bands in my life:  New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys.  And the more I think about it, the more I realize they’re the same band.

Allow me to elaborate:

Each band has five members, at least one of which is too old/young to be in a boy band-

NKOTB (current ages):

Donnie Wahlberg (43)
Danny Wood (43)
Jordan Knight (42)
Jonathan Knight (43)
Joey McIntyre (39)

Backstreet Boys:

A. J. McLean (34)
Howie Dorough (39)
Nick Carter (32)
Kevin Richardson (41)
Brian Littrell (37)

Nick and Joey specifically were like 12 when their bands formed and I could have sworn Danny Wood was like 50 when NKOTB was popular but I guess I was wrong.

Now let’s take a glance at two of their most popular songs.

Step by Step, 1990

Let’s go through the formula, shall we:

  • bad fashion  – check. My god, the hair.  MY GOD. And Danny’s sideways hat? Fail.
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Opens with Donnie riding a motorcycle…at some point he is lifting weights.  I’m confused. Isn’t this a love song?
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Step by step — ooh baby, gonna get to you girl.  That’s all well and good, but the rest of the lyrics?
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory and oh my god are they doing the SPRINKLER???
  • slow motion something…
  • rhyming – see lyrics, confusing
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Danny Wood for SURE
  • falsetto – check – Jordan!
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Jordan “playing” the violin (albeit for two seconds, but still)
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???

I Want it That Way, 1999

  • bad fashion  – what is going on with Nick’s pants and Kevin’s trench coat?
  • completely irrelevant segments of music video – check. Lots of walking, destination unknown, something about an escalator…
  • confusing/inane lyrics – check. Am I, your fire, your one desire, yes I know, it’s too late, but I want it that way. Be MORE confusing, thanks.
  • Choreographed dancing – check, and mandatory
  • Slow motion walking, dancing, spinning, etc
  • rhyming – I never want to hear you say I want it that way
  • irrelevant member no one remembers – Howie for SURE
  • falsetto – one of them…Nick? I don’t know. Maybe Brian
  • pretending to have a skill they don’t actually have (besides singing…hey OOOHH – see what I did there?) – Lots of pointing and gyrating and hell I don’t know
  • no actual girls in video — you’re going on and on about this girl and she’s not even in the video???  FANS DO NOT COUNT

So – that is the formula for the upbeat song.  Now we have the love ballad.

It’s obviously required that the cutest most innocent one sings solo:

Please Don’t Go Girl (Joey McIntyre)

OMG he SOUNDS like a girl and he looks like he’s ten.  It came out in 1988, which makes him around 15.  But he seriously looks ten!

And is that a RAT TAIL I see on Jordan?  Good lord, make it stop.

Between the mullets, falsetto’s and sideways hats, we again do not see an ACTUAL GIRL.

And now THIS could not be more staged:

Nick seriously looks like a bell boy.  That outfit…all kinds of awful.

I could actually not be more ashamed of this post, so I’m going to pretend none of this ever happened.

Emotional Russian Roulette

Well, not really, but my subconscious hates me!

Even though I haven’t seen or talked to John Doe in around six months, he was in my dream last night, and my subconscious was NOT kind to me.

Basically our parents were meeting and BFFs because him and I were going to build a life together – I mean, literally the exact opposite of reality in every possible way.  Very few times I wake up and immediately want to cry, but today was one of them.  I haven’t thought about him in a while but that didn’t stop some part of me deciding to go ahead and drag me back to 2007.  That’s cool, whatever.

Don’t you worry, I am not clinging to the hope that he’ll every change his mind, but I think what’s truly prevented me from fully accepting that and moving on is because I’m lacking any type of closure.  It’s more gutting than anything that we can’t be friends or have a normal, adult conversation.  And I know I need to just realize it will never happen but it makes me so sad.  On the bright side, it’s almost 1 pm and I’ve refrained from crying at work, so there’s that.

Why don’t you tell me I’m pretty??

When I lived in my old apartment at 2020 N Hell, we often threw epic parties.  It started with “Fall into Fall ’07”, which was such a success that we also created Spring into Spring the next two years, in addition to at least two more Fall into Falls.

Here is a glimpse of what our fridge looked like before one of our parties:

Who needs food when you can just serve jello shots??

Out of all of our parties, my personal favorite, by far, was Spring into Spring, 2009.  While we didn’t throw it until the last weekend of May, that’s still spring, technically speaking.

That was the first, last, and only time John Doe was at my apartment.  I guilted him into showing up because it was my psuedo birthday celebration (not that he knew when my birthday was.  I had to remind him).

He didn’t get there until around 2 am, and showed up with his friend Harold, who none of my friends could stand.  Actually, none of them could stand John Doe either, but they tolerated him through gritted teeth because they knew it was important to me and they’re amazing.

The party was still going strong when they got there – so much so that as I let them in, JD pointed out that someone had puked on our stairs on their way out of the party.  Gross.  (We never did figure out who the culprit was and Steph earned a mega gold star for attempting to clean it up since our landlord would have taken weeks to do it, if he even did.)

At one point, I was sitting on his lap when he looks at me and says, “that’s an interesting dress.”

With about eight gallons of liquid courage in me, I responded, “John, why can’t you just tell me I’m pretty?”  He said something along the lines of, “I assume you knew I thought that.”  Well when you NEVER compliment me, no, I don’t.

Anyway, I decided to put on his Red Sox hat with my “interesting” dress, the result of which is the below:

As you can see, there is nothing whatsoever interesting about this dress.  It’s just plain and black.

I can’t remember if this was taken before or after Courtney pulled me off his lap and dragged me into the kitchen to yell at me.  Good times.