Anatomy of a Boy Band, Part 2 – What Not to Wear

I know, I know, ANOTHER boy band post, but yesterday when I was watching videos on YouTube before meeting up with friends for a delicious sushi dinner, I came up with the idea for this post.

The band boy love ballads were very popular among teenage/college girls. You know, the whole “I’ll love you forever and ever” theme we all strive for in our real lives assuming we survive the minefield that is dating. But I digress.

One of these said ballads, “Drowning,” by the Backstreet Boys, is one I listened to on repeat in college. Don’t judge me. Okay, fine, judge me but at least finish reading this blog.

Apparently, there were TWO versions of the music video for the song, one of which took the drowning metaphor WAY TOO FAR. And made some horrific fashion statements. Behold:

First of all – a mesh shirt? Really? I’m not entirely sure what’s on A.J.’s neck, but it looks like a dog collar and combined with the facial hair, he looks like he belongs dancing in a cage at an after hours club on South Beach.

Then we have Kevin:

I find his eyebrows offensive and I’m pretty sure that he looks like he is begging to be in the sequel to The Crow. Is there a sequel? Oh, who cares.

Howie looks like if Cousin Balki was trying to Live La Vida Loca (god, I’m really dating myself here. Oh, who cares, I’m 31 and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Except turn 32.) and Nick is all, “welcome to Slytherin. I’m Professor Snape’s secret love child with Harry Potter’s mum.”

“Okay fine, there WAS no sequel to The Crow? What about The Matrix? Can I be in The Matrix?”

“Oh fuck it, maybe after this video shoot wraps I WILL go dance in a cage somewhere.”

“I mean it – don’t fuck with Slytherin!”

And then there’s ‘N Sync.

This isn’t bad fashion so much as they look like they are hung over at brunch rather than vowing to love someone forever.

However:

I have to assume the reason this chick looks so disgusted has nothing to do with him taking a call during their little picnic lunch and everything to do with his hair. My god the hair. When did that EVER seem like a good idea?

Here’s a better look:

That is just…I don’t even know. This is Chris and I always considered him and Joey Fat One the least attractive of all the boy band members in all of history and that hair is really not doing him any favors.

I wouldn’t call this “fashion” of the late 1990’s and early 2000’s but more would call it “WTF were their stylists thinking?”

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I am like, never ever listening to one of your songs again

I hate Taylor Swift’s new song.  I know I’m not really her target audience, per se, but I just went to iTunes to look for songs for my running playlist and lo and behold,  “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is #2 on the Top Singles list, second only to “Ronan” by Taylor Swift (that one should be #1 though, it’s about a boy who lost his battle with cancer).

So I listen to it.  I think I’d heard it on the radio once or twice but wasn’t paying that close attention.  Can we discuss the lyrics?

I remember when we broke up the first time  (me too – didn’t that spawn Teardrops on My Guitar?)
Saying this is it, I’ve had enough, ’cause like
We haven’t seen each other in a month  
When you, said you, needed space, what?  (not a good sign – you like, feel me?)
Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day  (if you’re lucky)
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you (oh yes, a most productive cycle.  I’m impressed with how well you play “Hard to Get”)

Oooh we called it off again last night
But Oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you  (you TELL him)
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me  (ah yes, the fun game of telephone where, I saw him at Starbucks talking to a woman in line turns into, he’s like, practically engaged, y’all)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like ever… (Like, I’ve heard this before from you, buttercup)

I’m really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for a screaming that I’m right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine  (wait, what?  I don’t even know what you’re talking about.  I do know all records are cooler than yours, then again I’m not 14 anymore.  OMG WTF)

Oooh you called me up again tonight
But Oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together (Allow me to once again interject – you say this now, but you’re probably lying.  But like, we’ve all been there, ya know?  You just have to take a deep breath and move on.  May I suggest going to a bar and making out with a random stranger?)
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

I used to think, that we, were forever ever ever  (Until he didn’t want to see you for a month)
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he’s like, I still love you
And i’m like, i’m just, I mean this is exhausting, you know  (Oh, I do know.  Hearing about it is no walk in the park either)
We are never getting back together, like ever

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We, oooh, oooh, not back together, we
Oh, getting back together

You go talk to your friends talk
And my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

These are like, the most inane lyrics ever.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “this bitch is just old and cranky and mad she’s not a gajillionaire for yodeling out loves songs with her guitar.”  Well, that might be true, but STILL.

My idea of a better break-up/broken-hearted song?

Although I’ve never seen this music video, so I’m not sure how I feel about it, but this still remains one of my all time favorites.  And is much more true and profound than, “we are like, never getting back together, until we do, like understand?”

Eye-roll.  Rant over.