An open letter to cell phone companies (not to be taken TOO seriously)

Dear All Phone Companies,

This was originally going to be an open letter to T-Mobile until I realized this completely hypothetical scenario that has nothing to do with my current situation also involves AT&T, so maybe this is an every phone company type of request, but I digress.

It is a known fact among my friends that after a certain hour and/or number of glasses of wine, I should not be allowed to text certain people. It is also a known fact that sometimes I do stupid shit, I mean, HELLO, the name of this blog says it all.

Anyhoo. Smartphones now have features that allow people to block certain phone numbers. Sometimes, it’s easy to do. For example, the guy you went on one date with who you told more than once, “thanks but no thanks”, but he keeps texting you and you’re all, “Maybe Espanol would be more clear” but blocking is just easier and you can just do it and not even give it a second thought.

Other times though – not as easy. You find yourself forced to block someone because you are knocked on your ass in love with them, while you are their placeholder, and after what you thought was a breakthrough evening of amazingness they break up with you over text three days later and your friend is all maybe you should block him because I mean, really:

Then, because knowledge is power but not really, you decide that you want to know what happens if you block someone and then they try to text you. So, while discussing this over drinks, you block your very nice willing-to-humor-you friend, have her text you, and then unblock her. On her end, it appears the text goes through. On your end, you don’t receive it, so then you unblock her and immediately the text she tried to send you comes through. And you react to that brilliant plan:


So then you’re all, WHY DID I DO THAT? And by “that” of course I mean take the time to learn the intricacies of blocking/unblocking people in your phone. And this, phone companies, leads me to question number one.

WHY THE TAKESIES-BACKSIES?

This ability to unblock people – can you get rid of it? Once you block a person, can’t it be permanent so you don’t in your mind fabricate texts begging for your forgiveness that never actually happened but if there was no unblock option you’d never know this vs. caving and seeing a whopping two texts over the span of two months (side note: WTF). And then you hop back on the dating merry-go-round for another ride on the “this is the best and worst thing ever at the same goddamn time” horse and none of this would be an issue if blocks could be permanent! Screw will power!

This leads me to my second question/issue, and that is with factory resets. What if you had to do one over the weekend, and low and behold, these also remove all blocks because it wipes the phone so when you blocked this person for a second time after feeling emotionally abandoned in a Hooters parking lot, not only does it unblock them FOR you, but any attempted texts just flitter off to wherever these texts go. No, seriously. Where do they go? Because now not only did you lose the opportunity to see the maybe fictitious maybe not text(s) by unblocking him right before the reset, but now you have NO IDEA what he has attempted to text you, if anything, and when you had the choice to not know that was one thing, but it is QUITE ANOTHER to lose that power against your will because for some reason your Galaxy S5 decided to just not work and a reset was your only option.

Which leads me to my third and final issue. If you happened to text this now unblocked person and then realized not only that you didn’t know if you just responded to something like, “I hate you, never text me again,” with, “isn’t Jay Cutler the WORST?” but that apparently you haven’t hit your threshold for torture because you decide it would be a good idea to download a recent phone bill and see if blocked numbers still show up as incoming texts. Fun fact. They do. So now you decide that you’re done because you don’t want to count how many times he tried to text you and you wouldn’t be able to see the content anyways AND he didn’t respond to your lame attempt at starting a conversation because on Sunday you really just MISSED him and when your friend tells you to try and not go to the bad place of worst case scenarios, you’re all:

So this was just a REALLY long-winded way of asking for three things, phone companies of America:

1) For blocks to be permanent

2) For factory resets to somehow keep blocks intact (I mean, we’ve sent people to space, this can’t be harder than that)

3) For blocked incoming texts to NOT show up on phone bills because REALLY??? It technically wasn’t incoming if I never saw it. And furthermore if I didn’t have unlimited texting, would I have to pay for that? Does this even make sense?

Thanks for your consideration.

xoxox,

RF

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In which Miley Cyrus makes me sad

…But not for the reasons you think (which I am assuming would be the reason below):

This gem of a performance at the VMA’s happened on my last night in Chicago. My friend K, who came with me on the road trip to Cali, and I, sat at our friend’s apartment, watching for the anticipated and sorely disappointing 15-second ‘N Sync reunion.

Anyway. The next day, K and I embarked on the road trip that would bring me to my new home, Orange County. We got here on a Friday. Monday was Labor Day. I dropped her off at LAX for her flight home and then went home and took a nap before my date with Bachelor #1. And thinking about all of this makes me sad, and Miley Cyrus is an instant trigger to all of this.

I moved out here for my job, which I completely love. What I do NOT love is how badly I misjudged the situations with Bachelor’s 1 and 3, and how I came on this journey not expecting to meet anyone because I was essentially moving to a big suburb and in the matter of a very short time had my hands full in a way I could not handle.

What I do not love is the constant frustration I feel that B1 is back with his ex, B3 dropped off the face of the planet, my new crush, C, has no interest in me, and I feel generally like a troll surrounded by happy couples. It’s not that I can’t be happy being single, it’s that this triple middle finger I’ve gotten in 2014 is slightly demoralizing. And triggered by Miley Cyrus.

A sort of not really review: The Between Boyfriends Book

Cindy Chupack was a writer on Sex and the City, and wrote a book (published in 2004) that Susan insisted that I read: The Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays.

I started reading this earlier today and this shit is hilarious. For example, Chapter One’s title: Lone Rangered. The definition of course is “to have had a relationship end in a mysterious annoying way – with no good-bye, no answers, just the vague feeling that you have no idea who that man was.” And I will also throw in an addendum to that ….”and you wonder if you made the whole thing up in your head and since there is no photographic evidence that you dated, maybe your friends think you made him up too, and oh GOD how many of your past relationships lack any sort of photographic evidence and what is going ON?” Not that this applies to my current situation or anything.

She talks about Sexual Sorbet and how “you don’t want your ex to be the last guy you slept with. You need to put some distance between the two of you, and five to seven inches ought to do it.” She recommends using an old fling and then I realize … was I B3’s proverbial sorbet that he needed to get over the ex-future Mrs. B3 even though I thought it could be more even though yes I know he TOLD me he didn’t want anything serious but sometimes did confusing things that made me think he was my boyfriend because my bar for comparison had been set so low because it took me five years to figure out that John Doe was left handed because we never did things together that required him to write or sign a credit card slip for the dysfunctional love of GOD what is wrong with me?

There’s a relationship equivalency exam for both men and women. Let me take mine here:

1) English: When you say, “I’m not in a rush to get married,” define rush.

Answer: So, bringing saved photos of rings I like to the first date is bad, right?

2) Math: Is the amount of minutes it takes you to evaluate a date as a potential husband more than or equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to identify and ignore red flags?

Answer: What?

3) Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, “I need space?”

Answer: I need wine?

Questions 4 & 5 are essentially about cohabitation and therefore I am not qualified to answer so I guess if this were a pass/fail type of format I’d fail, because is incomplete an option?

She defines Halloweenies as dudes who will break up with you on Halloween so they don’t have to go through the holiday season with you and if you don’t break up on or before October 31st you are basically obligated to stick it out through New Years because what kind of rat bastard breaks up with someone over the holidays? (Lots, I am sure, for both sexes)

She talks about the dreaded “f” word – friends, which B3 used a lot in the same sentences he would talk about our dates, and when he initially offered to be my friend, I was all “sure” and look where that got me, and Chupack wrote something that hit way too close to home, which is that you basically have to accept the offer of friendship because if you don’t, it’s essentially giving them the satisfaction of knowing it’s too hard to be around them, and this is satisfaction on top of the ego boost from them already rejecting you, so even though deep down all the way to your bone marrow you KNOW that you should tell them to take a flying leap, when faced with the offer of friendship, you inevitably have to accept. And then when you, say, spend six hours watching football and having a blast, you wonder why you can have so much fun, yet they still don’t want to date you?

This brings me to Chapter 30: DO NOT RESUSCITATE ROMANCE (DNRR) ORDER. Which is exactly what it sounds like, which is why Susan told me to read this, because I have broken this rule now four or five times with Mr. Man. It’s my exact situation in print – knowing we had no future but continuing to date him and then becoming upset when the no future thing never changed (and never will). It’s time for me to regain my focus and get back to my “Hey Baby” weight and by the way this book is hilarious and everyone should read it.

 

Halfway there

How in the hell are we already halfway done with 2014? I legitimately do not understand. This year is flying, more so than any recent ones that I can remember.

May was a hard month for me. Well, actually in April I was awarded the honor of being Dumbass of the Century when I started seeing B3 again, and then stopped, and then started, and didn’t tell anyone, because of course the sign of a good relationship is when you can’t tell anyone about it because they will be all

And you’re like

Even though they have EVERY RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU BECAUSE MY GOD. And as you write this, you’re all, “oh and B-T-DUBS, he was SUPPOSED to take me out last week for my birthday but instead all I got were texts about the NHL playoffs, which I don’t give a fuck about, so you know what buddy, you can BITE ME.”

But May wasn’t hard for that reason alone, May was hard because at the end of April I got hit in the eye with a softball while attempting (badly) to play in the outfield, and it broke my eye socket, and I had to have very painful surgery and looked like the Bride of Chucky for most of the month. On the bright side, I had a solid dose of Vicodin and was able to dull the pain. But I missed a lot of work and stressed about that because it essentially boiled down to missing work because I can’t catch a fucking softball.

So now, I’m trying to regroup because I’ve been scared to do things like go to the gym and put on eye makeup.

It is truly amazing how much your life can change in a day/month/year.

In which we discuss online dating

One of my friends is on OKCupid, and has really weathered some absolute bullshit because she’s a trooper, and I’ve just listened to her stories over G-Chat, vowing never again to test the waters of online dating.

Well, today she received two messages that just speak for themselves in terms of WTF. First, we have bachelor #1:

okc1

Okay first of all, the grammatical errors. Your vs. you’re is one of the most common yet infuriating grammatical errors that will automatically eliminate you from her and my dating pool. If that makes us snooty bitches, then so be it.

Second of all, who is he kidding with the 300 pounds comment? I mean, sure it was said in jest, but if my friend were even ten pounds heavier than her picture (she’s not) I am sure he’d run for the nearest cliff.

Bachelor #2 sent her something that was EERILY similar:

okc2

 

Both of them with the weight and the teeth and the misuse of your/you’re. Are these the messages we’re sending now? I don’t even know how to do this anymore but isn’t there a way to be witty without being offensive?

I really wonder what goes in to sending messages like this. Of course I’ve sent many a first message I thought was witty in which I was brutally rebuffed, so who knows. It’s obviously an exact science that involves a certain amount of cleavage and teeth.

But these are two very similar messages from two different people. So originality is out the window.  No wonder shows like I Wanna Marry “Harry” exist. What else is there to do?

Facebook: a rabbit hole

You know how sometimes you’re bored and on Facebook so you start stalking people and pretty much figure out that one guy you went on that one date with who said you were so amazing but he wasn’t ready for a relationship is now in one? Well, this is what I have to say about that:

Yes, this would be Bachelor #1, the same Bachelor #1 who told me he was so not ready but that I was so amazing that he would set me up with someone else. Ummm, I am very familiar with the “you’re amazing but…” speech, so kindly shut it.

 

It’s not like I am even still interested in B1, it’s just that, like, why all the lies? I think guys would rather cut off their own arm than say, “thanks, but no thanks,” because it would be harder for them but would spare you the 90000 hours of over analyzing whether or not the way you accidentally flung your fork across the restaurant wildly gesturing about a sports call you were unhappy with would be considered a deal breaker.

Don’t get me wrong, girls do it too – we hate to have the uncomfortable convo where we’re all, “I know I seemed interested in you, but I would have made out with a plant that night, sooooooo kthxbye.”

But anyway – in the days before social media, it was harder to find these things out. Now it’s just there for us to see in about ten seconds flat, provided privacy settings don’t get in our way.

I do have a crush on someone, and I feel like I’m 14. It’s complicated because we have a professional relationship, so I can’t pursue it and make it awkward. Cheers to suffering in silence?

It’s that time of year again

I have not been paying as much attention to college basketball this season, for a variety of reasons, but I have some things I want to say about Wichita State, which is that I am sick of them. Yeah, great, they’re undefeated, good for them. They play teams like William & Mary and North Carolina Central. Yes, I know, they won all the games they were supposed to, and now they’re a No. 1 seed. They even made the Final Four last year as a 9-seed. Well, I have a rebuttal for that, and have prepared a speech that you can feel free to steal, should you ALSO have them losing in the round of 32 in your bracket, which inevitably spawns looks as if you’re insane:

Wisconsin really helped them out by losing to Ole Miss, who lost to LaSalle, AND the committee helped them out by giving Gonzaga a 1-seed, which should never happen. So they beat an 8-seeded Pitt, an overrated Gonzaga and then LaSalle to get to the Elite 8, so basically none of that counts.

Troll me if you wish, but that’s just how I feel.

Reva out.