Dating is actually the worst, for real, no take backs, no triple stamping a double stamp

Dating. It sucks. It’s a social land mine of broken hearts, bad sex, bad dates, bad kisses and then SOMETIMES you get a really good person that makes you all

but then it ends in ultimate gut-wrenching rejection that makes you want to do nothing but this:

Most of the time, we try to keep a sense of humor about it. Numerous times, I sat with my friends in bars making t-charts to weighs the pros/cons of the current object of my affection.

Example below for Brad, my cruise boyfriend who turned out to live in the same metro-area as I did at the time but afterward was uninterested in continuing our Caribbean fling:

Pros: Adventurous, is a man giant (not entirely true but I do like ’em tall), private spooning, frequents Indiana casinos, is insanely sexual.

*There are other pros I am leaving out for reasons of which I am unwilling to elaborate.

Cons: Lives in suburban HELL, smokes, is really way to old for me, possibly died after amazingness of the cruise, is an old WOMAN (video poker obsession)

See? Casual, funny, whatever. Sure, maybe we wrote that ten Old Styles in after a Cubs game, but it ultimately doesn’t matter.

But lately. Lately it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep a sense of humor about anything. My friend Susan just got dicked over by yet another OKCupid guy. When I was home for Christmas, I saw her the day she was having her first date with this dude. They went for coffee, it went well, and he asked her to come over and hang out at his place for New Years eve.

Things went great, he was in constant communication, told her he couldn’t wait to see her again, and then. Then, today she gets this:

Screenshot 2014-01-05 at 8.16.39 AM

When I saw this text, my immediate reaction was


 Why. Why do they do this? This is as bad as Bachelor #1 rejecting me but telling me I was so amazing he was going to set me up with someone else. Could you BE any more patronizing? And I would ask the same of this Ben character. Is there some rule among guys we don’t know about where they are obligated to talk to us for approximately four days after we give up the goods or get close to it or entertain the notion enough to keep them wanting more except NO – they fucking disappear? Or they lie about having cancer (true story). Or they tell you they don’t want to hear about you being upset and then ask you if you are still upset.

If you don’t want to date – DO NOT JOIN A DATING WEB SITE. Why is this concept lost on so many people? Chicks do it too (I’m sure), so this is not specific to guys, but since I don’t date chicks, this current rant is directed at Bachelor’s 1,3, and this Ben dude.

In B3’s defense, he isn’t on any dating sites (that I know of) and told me he sucks at dating, but he is giving me just enough to think he cares because I am sure that his hope is that in a moment of weakness, I will crack and ask him to do stuff. But I know he doesn’t care- as the song goes

Okay, so anyway, new rule: if you are not looking to date, and just want to store up for your inner sexual camel, go trolling bars or Craigslist. Got it? Good, thanks.


You DON’T Want to Be in the Book

Trust me – if you’re a guy, you do NOT want to be in my book (unless I use your real name, in which case you are not a guilty party).

Someone who I was SURE was not going to be in the book just made it in.  We’ll call him Tad Hamilton (for now – book name is subject to change if/when I feel like it).

Of course because it’s my life, and I have to do everything the hard way, I met TH at a work conference in Palm Springs and he of course lives in a completely different city than I do.

Now, since he’s going in the book, I’m not getting into the nitty gritty (you can buy it in 2013, I hope, which means I need to get cracking!!), but suffice it to say that bailing on me less than 48 hours before you’re supposed to fly into town to take me to a wedding is not the way to get on my good side.  And all my friends that wanted to meet Tad Hamilton?  Yeah, they hate him now.  Also, my sister was not impressed when she met him (not that she’s EASY to impress, but she is at the top of the list of someone whose good side you would NEED to be on).

Aside from being blindsided and completely hurt, I am PISSED.  Mostly because he went AWOL about a week ago so I knew something was up, but he waited until the 11th hour to tell me.

It is quite obvious looking back that the reason he never sent me his flight confirmation is that he never actually booked his flight.

Seriously – WHO DOES THAT?  I will tell you who:  jackholes that are going to end up in my book.

Listen, I know I’m not perfect.  No one is.  But there are ways to treat people and this is an example of what not to do.

Thank goodness I kept my lady business on lock down, otherwise I’d be crying at my desk right now instead of working on very important revenue reports.

I was joking with my friends that I felt like Carrie in the episode of Sex and the City where Berger breaks up with her on a post-it note.

(Also, why does Carrie walk EVERYWHERE in heels?  Heels hurt like a mo-fo.  I walk everywhere in flip-flops.  Anyway.)

Fine, okay, at least he CALLED me, but it was to tell me he was still in love with his ex and not coming to Chicago (again, with less than 48 HOURS NOTICE, ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME DUDE???).  And even though he’d been AWOL, I still felt blindsided, because it wasn’t like there were other hints that would have tipped me off (though, I suppose asking him for his flight info 97 times and not getting it was a pretty big hint).

He works with his ex – her official name moving forward is Skanky McHoebag.  I know that the distance was going to be a challenge for us regardless and he works with McHoebag, so on top of them being in the same city, they see each other daily.  I can’t compete with that.

But really, I don’t want to compete with ANYONE.

And you?  Well YOU do not want to be in my book.