Bitch, please: Cosmo’s horrible texting advice.

Text message on a mobile phone stating I've been seeing someone else.

I stumbled upon this “What Does His Text Mean” article filed under “dating advice” on Cosmo’s web site. It’s a whole bunch of WTF. Most guys say what they mean -no translation needed. And yet, here we are…

1. The send a pic text – Cosmo says: “Consider the recipient and make sure it’s someone you really trust. “This is the text that guys send to see how far they can get you to go,” says Henderson. “It rarely ends well. Our rule: If you wouldn’t send it to your mother, don’t send it.”

Bitch, Please: Thanks, Captain Obvious.  DOES HE OR DOES HE NOT WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? What if he already has? What if he sends it to his friends? What if it ends up on Deadspin? I can tell you it means this is not serious relationship material. They want to cruise right on past Relationship Central and into Boot Scootin’ Booty and sending pics of yourself other than being w/friends, fully clothed, at a social event, or one of your middle finger, is just a bad idea.

2. The noncommittal text = He’s just not that into you. And Cosmo’s expert says the same, so I won’t Bitch, Please this one.

3. The Double Text – Now we’re veering off the rails because Cosmo is talking about us being impatient central when Mr. Man takes longer than 70-seconds to respond to a text.

Bitch, Please: First of all, you’re off topic. Second of all, we KNOW what our back to back to back to back to back to back texts mean and we also probably know what their non-response means. That being said, what if he’s in a meeting or something? If you can’t wait a couple hours during the work day without panicking then there is a bigger issue at hand here.

4. The foodie text  – Cosmo’s example is a little baffling: “Are you free for a quick bite right now?,” “Share a strudel with me? I just made one. I know it’s 2:36 am, but it’s really good!” 

Bitch, Please: Why does this one need clarification? Are we now so desperate for meaning behind everything that we’re using ridiculous examples that never happen?

Which brings us to…

5. The Facebook Chat – First of all, not the same thing as texting, second of all, they use an example where two people haven’t met in person, therefore…

Bitch, Please: You are automatically disqualified.

6. The Grey Zone Text – No such thing. See #2. And bitch, please, now we’re repeating ourselves.

7. The Raincheck Text – According to our friends, “He’s not Houdini, but he just pulled a great disappearing act. Things were going swell; now getting him to respond to your texts and commit to plans is like pulling teeth. What’s up with that!?”

Bitch, Please: Your advice may be not to panic, which is true, but MY advice is see #2.

8. The Art of Bullshit Text – What does this even entail? Glad you asked! According to the all original Cosmo (the same magazine that has been recycling the same sex tips for at least 20 years rather than admitting it’s not rocket science), it entails something along the lines of “You looked better than Miranda Kerr in that dress last night.”

Bitch, Please: That’s just stupid. Who says that? That’s not even a compliment, really. A text like that circles back to #1 -they’re after something else. A true compliment is simply, “you look beautiful.” AND IS SAID IN PERSON, JESUS.

9. The One Worder – AKA “LOL” “HA” “K” 😉 or any other random emoticon. Cosmo says, “This can be like a dagger through the heart after you’ve spent so much brain-power trying to plan the perfect the flirty texts, only to get a simple one word response. Now instead of spending your time plotting witty banter, you are trying to dissect what he meant by “Ha.”

Bitch, Please: Text messaging has ruined communication. It is perfect for a quick, “on my way” or what have you, but one word answers are just as meaningless as those missives that read like Danielle Steel novels where he thinks he’s being sweet and you’re on the receiving end laughing and preying he’s drunk because who TEXTS that let alone says it? Why have witty banter over text? Save it for your next date!!!

That being said, yes I used to be guilty of all of this: not only of trying to craft the perfect response but of running it by 17 friends, throwing up a poll on Facebook, googling cute pick-up lines, crying for an hour-and-a-half over #s 2,3,6 & 7, and relying WAY TOO MUCH on my phone to get my flirt on. Now that I’ve stopped doing all of that, I am blissfully enjoying a quite phone and dormant love life. Hey, wait a minute….


Bitch, please, edition: I AM EXHAUSTED

My friend Melissa sent me a link to this book on today and asked me to blog about it…in a bad way. Um, challenge accepted.

The book, Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is just a pile of nonsense and preying on the girls who think they have to be married by a certain age (i.e. me, five years ago).

Here is the description:

Forget waiting for Mr. Right! You can go out and find “The One” yourself when you follow this plan. Celebrated relationship expert Dr. Janet Blair Page has distilled the very best of her acclaimed dating class at Emory University—the one covered by CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show—into this one-of-a-kind book. She’s helped bring thousands of singles true love—and now it’s your turn!

Your To-Do List This Year:

  • Today: Get to know yourself.
  • Next Month: Figure out what you really want from your man.
  • Month 3: Learn how to get out of your own way.
  • Month 6: Take the field and find the right guy.
  • Month 10: Make the big decision.
  • Month 12: Get married!

The power is yours—and with Dr. Page’s guidance, you’ll use that power to meet and marry your Perfect Guy. From designing the ultimate Spouse Shopping List to getting the right guy to commit, this tried-and-true method gives you the blueprint you need to take charge of your love life and find love that can last a lifetime—in only 12 months or less!

BITCH, PLEASE: You think that someone can get to know themselves in a day/week/month? I’ve been in therapy for eight fucking years (on and off) and I still don’t know myself. I do stupid things, and fall for the wrong people (as much as I don’t want to), and how the fuck do you suggest I can fix that in 30-fucking days?? FUCK OFF.

Not only that, she only factors in six months between finding the right guy and getting married. Planning a wedding can take more than six months, let alone finding someone and knowing within in four that you want to marry them. What the FUCK is your problem, lady? All your stupid ass book is going to do is increase the divorce rate when people rush to the altar after taking your stupid fucking advice.

And what is with the shopping list? Men are not avocados, and you cannot hand pick the perfect one, you stupid bitch.

But, there’s more!

There are three main sections to the book, what you are doing wrong, beginning the search and on the road to happily ever after. There are numerous worksheets, self-assessment quizzes, lists such as the spouse shopping list and numerous suggests for self-reflection included throughout the book. There are also short “Love Notes” and “Love Stories” that are fun and interesting.

BITCH, PLEASE: You honestly think a fucking worksheet is going to solve my problem? I ALREADY KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG AND A WORKSHEET IS NOT THE ANSWER. I hate you.

One of the most unique concepts Page describes is the “Love Resume” used to create a catalog of past relationships. Each chapter begins with a myth and a truth phrase. One sample is that the right person will complete you, the myth. The truth, the right person will be a good match for the person you happen to be.

BITCH, PLEASE: A love resume? Really? I mean, okay fine, I am writing a book of “love resumes” but it is to make fun of myself for being a dumbass, I’m not using past fuckery to use towards future happiness. The past is the past and we know what we did wrong, and we don’t need a fucking worksheet for your fucking truth vs. myths.

It is no surprise that people who bought this book also bought Patti Stanger’s, which basically has the exact same title.

Now if you will excuse me, I am off to chug some vino.

Bitch, Please – the “why do you exist?” edition

Yesterday, this post, Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit from Jezebel was making its rounds – I skimmed it, because while I do like the site, they tend to sometimes be very wordy and wax a bit too philosophical for my taste. However, I understood the rage, so decided to read the original piece that Lindy West was (rightfully) ranting about.

So basically some anonymous dude too scared to attach his inane ramblings to a name said that all women are worthless sluts. I think. His piece is titled Why Good Girls Have Become As Extinct As Unicorns. We haven’t even gotten to the text before the first Bitch, please. (Also, the grammatical errors – discuss)

Bitch, please: For something to be extinct, it needs to have actually existed and I BELIEVE that unicorns are mythical creatures. So, basically, you’re a fucking dumb-ass.

PointSure you can call it generation YOLO and women seizing the moment and just living life and having fun like they like to call it, but it just leaves me hoping I never end up with a daughter. nowadays values are corrupted and it’s seems its all about having fun: the quick sex, the quick thrill and the terrible Facebook photos that you get tagged in the next day, but there has to be some sort of a line.

Bitch, please: So, we’re not allowed to have fun? And what do YOU, Mr. Fuckwit, know about values, given what you’re writing? I already have a headache. Did you write this as some sort of parody, or was it supposed to be serious? If it was supposed to be serious, I suggest that you go back in time to live with apes and unicorns. Also this “line” that you speak of…what would you know about lines? As Joey Tribiani once said, you’re so far over the line, the line is a dot to you.

Point: For men, it’s great that these women have decided to become just like us. They’ve taken the male approach to sex and the way we treat the other gender. It is almost like they have become a mirror image of men in our love for a multitude of partners. This is great, because it cuts out a lot of the hard work that men used to have to go through to woo a woman to get what they ultimately want.

Bitch, please: Your logic is so mind-numbingly non-existent, I actually think I lost IQ points reading this.

You don’t want us to be sluts without morals, but your only goal is to sleep with us – that’s kind of a conundrum for you, yes? Blow up dolls exist because of guys like you. Go buy one.

Point: Sure women have become independent, which is a great feat and should constantly be encouraged, but that is the positive side of women rising to power in our society. With every pro there happens to be a con, and the con here is that most of these women have completely lost all respect for themselves, and their morals along the way.

Bitch, please: Praising us and then bashing us in the same breath. You should be more concerned about YOUR morals rather than ours. I suspect that your penis is the size of a golf pencil and having sex with you would be like bumper cars, so now you’re all bitter. You’re being so extreme with the offensive stereotypes, I thought I would have some fun and do the same.

Point: They’ve become thirsty for attention, from posting half naked photos on Instagram to having their whole lives exposed on the internet, through the course of hashtags. Then you have drugs, cocaine and molly being predominant, and many women addicted to prescription pills to help their “anxiety.” In short, women have become easy, but they have also become broken — and eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever.

Bitch, please: This is oddly specific. I am not addicted to drugs, nor are any of my friends, nor are we posting half-naked duck face selfies on Instagram. And no one stays hot forever, huh? We’re back to those elusive morals you speak of. If you had them, you would realize physical beauty has nothing to do with anything. You’ve seen Beauty and the Beast, right?

Point: Sure we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we are idiots. It all comes down to perception. Women see us drool over that hot girl that is standing half naked in her default picture or see us go wild when we easily get the number to a hot girl we just met on the street. To a man’s perception this seems “right” because it’s exactly what we want: sex without much effort. But for women from the outside looking in, they think that this is what we want, and it skews their perception.

Bitch, please: Wow, your admission of stupidity is the first smart thing that you’ve said! And then you go right back off the rails. Contradicting yourself in back-to-back sentences. Let me try to pretend you’re in kindergarten (though that is an insult to a 5-year old’s intelligence) and spell this out for you in a way you can understand. FIRST, you said all you ever want to eat for snack is apples (all men want is sex without effort). THEN you said you couldn’t understand why girls share their apples with you, which they are doing because you said you liked them (we’re all sluts). NEXT, you threw the apple into the garbage disposal because you don’t WANT our apples (you don’t understand why we think all men want is sex without effort when in the previous sentence you said all men want is sex without effort – BUT NOT FROM A SLUT). You get an F- in logic, and in life.

Point: Good girls gone bad, the city is filled with them to paraphrase the great Jay-Z. The problem is that it’s not just the city, but society as a whole. Men are to blame for this because we encourage such behavior and give these girls the attention they want when they are dressed up like complete retards at EDM shows and when they are in their bikinis on Instagram. But women are also to blame in giving this artificial persona of what men call hot or not.

Bitch, please: You’ve lost me. Furthermore, what city do you live in? You should also know that you are coming off as more bitter than I am, and that’s hard. Some girl did a number on you. You’re fooling no one (except maybe yourself).

Point: Sure I’m an asshole that loves to take advantage of women who are willing to bang me without me having to offer too much, but at the same time I am also a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady with respect and compassion just like any other true lady should be treated.

Bitch, please: My eyes just rolled so far back I think they fell out. You…I can’t….I CAN’T EVEN FORM COMPLETE THOUGHTS. What is your definition of a true lady? How have you demonstrated that you’re a gentleman? If you want to just fuck around, fine, but don’t then come at us with the, “I have no other choice,” logic, since you apparently have girls flinging themselves at you left and right. Do not try to convince us you are a gentleman – just own the fact that you are a horrible person with no intelligence or morals or intelligence and get on with your life.

Point: The truth of the matter is that you can’t change women that are already broken, so those are the ones that men use for exactly what we want: sex with no strings attached. Because it’s easy and it’s right in front of us. But at some point in time, through the course of our lives, we are going to grow out of chasing someone that has been with everyone. Sure being a bachelor is fun and all, the stories are great, bragging to our friends is epic, but we are eventually going to want more out of a female than just sex.

Bitch, please: Oh PLEASE. Since when does not being a virgin (it’s all or nothing with you, isn’t it??) equal being broken? Also, as West puts it: Everyone makes unhealthy choices sometimes. Life is long and complex. Everyone has sex with partners they regret, and strays out of their comfort zone for the wrong reasons, and enters into self-destructive relationships with the best intentions. But those choices are unhealthy for the person making them, not for anyone else. And those choices have no bearing whatsoever on anyone’s worth as a human being. Sometimes perspective, born out of pain, can actually make life richer. Your good choices are yours and your bad choices are yours too. You’re trying to justify being a giant man-whore by blaming us for making the idiotic choice of sleeping with you. Yes, I definitely think you are who I would go to for love advice.

PointThat is when we want to settle down, but with a lady who has respect for herself, morals — and there isn’t one guy out there that can have a bad story to tell about her — like the time she had a threesome in a London hostel while studying abroad.

Bitch, Please: Again – oddly specific to the point where I think you were fine until your girlfriend had a threesome in a London hostel and broke you. Which means you are beyond repair. Check fucking mate.

Point: Because of the double standard that is in place between men and women, finding a girl of this nature wasn’t that hard decades ago because women actually held high standards for themselves and demanded men to treat them properly before they gave them what they wanted.

Bitch, Please: So you want someone with no bad stories or experiences? You might regret that decision when this becomes your sex life:

Point: The truth of the matter nowadays is that good girls, as we like to call them, don’t really exist. They are unicorns. You are lucky if you come across one that is actually who she says she is. We sometimes even joke that our future wives are currently in Kindergarten because it is comforting to know that she is currently playing with blocks and not swinging from dick to dick because they sell her a good enough story. And when she’s 18 we’ll snap her right up and she’ll have no exposure to being a slut.

Bitch, Please: At least you have finally admitted unicorns don’t exist. Other than that…I hate to break it to you but not all 18-year old girls are virgin and the farther down you knock the age you want to snap them up at…well, I don’t even want to go there.

Point: Men are going to want to settle down with a good girl, a girl that is respectable and not someone that has been with everyone — as that is every man’s fear. The older you get, the more you realize that it is a fantasy that doesn’t actually exist. When you actually meet one, you will refuse to admit she’s real anyways.

Bitch, Please: What is your definition of “everyone?” Is one too many? This brings me back to the blow up doll. Please just get one and promise me you will never reproduce. I am begging you. Otherwise, you will end up like this:

Point: My question is what happened to a girl impressing us with her intellect and being able to hold a conversation past: do you come here often? Why has it become the standard that women have to impress men by flashing their tits or dressing up half naked? Sure we may seem dumb when we are chasing smuts, but when we do actually want to settle down with a female, she has to meet the standards that we have for a girl with whom we want to settle down.

Bitch, Please: I’ve lost the will to argue with you anymore. You cannot be saved.

Point: Through my experiences, as well as the experiences of many other men, it’s hard to come across a good girl or a unicorn. We’re not asking for much here, just a girl that respects herself and is smart to the point where she would understand us.

Bitch, Please: No one will ever understand you because you make no fucking sense!

Point: But then there is the other side of the spectrum, that when we do actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat. It’s like a double-edged sword. You realize it wasn’t getting the unicorn, but rather attracting something you thought never existed. It always is about the chase and never about the perfection of the woman. And that is the mindset of men in the 21st century.

What we look for is a lady on the street and a freak in the bed, as Ludacris once explained. The problem is that most girls are freaks everywhere, which leaves us with fewer options when trying to settle down. Unicorns are tough to find, and if you do stumble upon one, do everything in your power to hold onto her, as the chase is only fun for so long — and we do have a sense of compassion and companionship we like to share with a partner.

Those are the natural instincts of a man. Ladies, men are not going to respect you if you don’t respect yourselves. It’s that simple.

Bitch, Please: Annnnnd we’re back to the unicorns. Now you’re saying the woman you want isn’t good enough after a while and you’re going to cheat?????? YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR ANY GIRL THAT COMES NEAR YOU:

I know many women who respect themselves  but I can most assuredly say not only do you not understand the concept of respect, you don’t understand the concept of life.

Ten untraditional dating don’ts

After writing this, I realized I need to bitch please myself. Which I will, in the book – a fun plot twist we came up with in Seattle. Anyway – this is a gift from me to you – instead of the normal dating rule cliches, I am ramping it up a notch.

  1. Don’t invite someone you just met to a housewarming party – you know the drill. You move into a new apartment, go out with a friend on Labor Day weekend and the next thing you know, a random man is hitting on you and asking to go home with you. Not wanting to be a giant ho, you say no. He badgers you into giving him your phone number. You oblige. He calls and asks you for a date, but you’re throwing a party at aforementioned new apartment. Feeling obligated, you invite him. He shows up at 11 pm with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Things do not end well after you throw him out for being an asshole but everyone else was already gone so for the next week you get texts asking how things with him went.
  2. Don’t go to a bar to “clear the air” – you know the drill. You think you’re dating someone but they think otherwise. You tell him you want to be exclusive. He says he’s dating other people. You proceed to delete him from all social media. A couple months later, he asks if you can “clear the air.” Your intention is to go to Starbucks. But there is nowhere to sit. So you go to a bar at 8 pm on a Tuesday and drink too much and the next thing you know, the air is murkier than ever.
  3. Don’t plan a trip to Vegas with someone you have not seen in five years – you know the drill. Your high school crush resurfaces on AOL Instant Messenger. Although you didn’t date because he was too busy being brainwashed by this evil skank whore who was like, legitimately the meanest and most unattractive person ever, but that’s fine, you’re not offended. And now you live in different states and he tells you how amazing you are and he wants to see you so you pick Las Vegas as a halfway point to meet and his job is to book the hotel because your credit cards are maxed out but he never does so you call and leave a voice-mail telling him to never speak to you again and proceed to spend the weekend at bars with friends taking fake happy pictures to post on My Space when you’re really miserable and your hair color makes you look like if Jem tried to be a brunette but still had pink highlights.134_619916111000_2111_n
  4. Don’t be that girl – you know the drill. It’s high school. You don’t know what you’re doing. You have a crush on like five of your coworkers. Some of whom your friends won’t let you near, lest you slum it. The other two have been given your phone number on receipt paper multiple times by you and your friends, yet you’ve never received one phone call, yet you wait with one of them for a full hour after the store closes while he waits for his dad to pick him up because he lost his license for speeding too much or maybe a DUI, but he hugged you earlier and it was Valentine’s Day, which means you’re obviously getting married, so you NEED to wait for him. Oh, and please consider a brow wax.196530_10150115141417561_6228824_n
  5. Don’t be blinded by the light – you know the drill. You’re in Mexico for a destination wedding and unexpectedly make out with one of the groom’s friends who you then decide is your vacation boyfriend. Except when you return to the arctic tundra that is Chicago in January, you expect the margarita fueled romance to continue so you go on one supremely awkward date and even though he drives you home and comes in he then tells you that this whole thing is awkward because he doesn’t want to date anyone and the next time you see him he’s dating someone.
  6. Don’t text someone who is sitting across the table from you and ask them to make out – you know the drill. You meet someone at a party and you think he’s your future husband. Six days later after zero contact you watch him exchange numbers with another girl in front of you, but only after you asked him to make out via text, while he was sitting directly across from you. That usually does not go over well when the person is devoid of all feeling and has the emotional intelligence of the pus that infects the mucous… that cruds up the fungus… that feeds on the pond scum.
  7. Don’t equate online dating with an AOL chat room – you know the drill. You’re trying to create a profile on Plenty of Fish because you have $4 in your checking account and you want someone to take you on a damn date and you’re all, A/S/L, oh wait, this isn’t 1996. And then you remember those times when you spent the weekend at your friend’s house chatting with random perverts on AOL because you thought you were hot shit and little did you know this was Twitter and Facebook in the making (minus the pictures and Google) so you can at least find out if your date has a criminal record beforehand and you wonder how it even got to this because you didn’t memorize Big Dumb Hairy Oaf’s high school class schedule for no reason! So you could be at the exact right water fountain at the exact right time and eventually you started skipping Spanish class to hang out with him during his free period even though he couldn’t stand you while you thought he was supposed to marry you and relieve you of dating in your mid-20’s.
  8. Don’t date out of towners – you know the drill. You’re eating outside during the 4th of July weekend and a random guy at the table over starts hitting on you. The next thing you know, you’re at his friend’s apartment until 4 am with your friend meeting awesome new people except your handsome military man is all, “I can totally tell you have no self-confidence,” and then you’re all, “cool wanna make out?” but then you never see him again because he lives in fucking Detroit or Georgia and no one likes a girl with no self-confidence.
  9. Don’t be blinded by the light, part 2 – you know the drill. You go on a cruise with your best friend. Wanting to snap a nine-month drought, you are determined to find a cruise boyfriend, which you do, except he’s from the same area, so you’re all, “awesome, let’s get married,” except on the last night he does NOT come to your performance as Britney Spears in front of THE ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP, as promised, so you like, never see him again. And you may or may not track down his work e-mail and are all, “Yo, let’s hang out, peace.” But he never responds. Because of course.25181_10100101416257820_5437004_n
  10. Don’t believe someone when they say they will be your rebound – you know the drill. You get your heart broken and the very next day meet someone who agrees to be your rebound and then he’s all, “Oh, I’m like pseudo-dating nine other people, but that’s cool, you’re cute, we can talk every day but I’m like, not committing.” So you go to Atlanta for the 4th of July and beg random 25-year old boys to take a picture with you so you look desirable and like you’re having fun and you didn’t NEED Rebound Man aka Dr. Evil to begin with. So THERE.


Another installment of Bitch, Please, in response to “6 Signs You’re Scaring Boys Away”


When I first read 6 Signs You’re Scaring Boys Away I found it to be the most asinine and offensive dating advice that I’ve ever read.

Once my anger subsided and I read it again, it occurred to me that this Shannon Robb person was mostly talking about her own dating life rather than saying these things in general will always scare a boy into the next time zone.

Nevertheless, I can’t let things that irk me this much go un- “bitch, please”-ed. So, we have yet another installation. Also, Ms. Shannon is apparently 26, so I am qualified to do this as the older and “wiser” person. Below are her six reasons and some excerpts:

1. You know a lot about sports: I know a lot about sports, I love sports, I watch sports, I can hold an intelligent conversation with a guy about sports. You’d think I’d have my pick of the litter, right? Wrong. For some reason, my knowledge of sports tends to scare dudes away, or gets me immediately friend zoned because they know they can talk shop with me and I’ll understand it and contribute to it while knocking back a beer. HOW ANNOYING!

Bitch, please: Girl, I feel you, I really do. I was at a bar once when I was like, 23, talking to boys about sports when my best friend pulled me aside and told me not to talk so much about sports because the guys were probably intimidated by me. I kindly told her to fuck off. (For what it’s worth, she did apologize a year or two ago). Advice numero uno on this is that if you are getting friend zoned by dudes because of your sports knowledge, this is not someone you would want to date anyway. Let me ask you – do any of them have girlfriends? Let me guess, they do, and none of their girlfriends like sports, and they complain about that…to YOU. And in fact, think about it the other way – you wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t as in to sports as you are, would you? I have legitimately been on first dates with guys who had never heard of Villanova. I’m sorry, but if you can’t talk to me about the 1985 Final Four, we have no future together. Just kidding. Sort of. Anyway, chica girl, if your sports knowledge is scaring these weenies away, they are doing you a favor. Trust me.

2. You’re up front about what you want: No, I’m not looking at your breeding stock. But I am looking for someone who has that potential. And, ladies, we know how much this scares guys away! Why? It’s so hard to be honest about what we want without sounding crazy.

Bitch, please: First of all, you’re only 26. What you want might change a lot between now and several years from now. I know it has for me. But I have some bad news for you so I’ll try to say this as nicely as possible. We’re all crazy – gender irrelevant. Everyone has their issues and skeletons and what have you. Some hide them better than others.  If you think about it, the same reasoning from above applies here. If you being up front about not wanting anything casual scares someone away, he’s doing you a favor. Sure, he may end up in a serious relationship with someone else a year later, but in that year he’s going to be a giant man whore and break a lot of hearts. It’s like a reverse Taming of the Shrew – someone will eventually make him want to settle down, but if it’s not you, don’t be offended. Likely, it has nothing to do with you – which brings me back to my previous about everyone being crazy. Someone scared by commitment has issues, and they are his and not yours. So carry on, girl. There is nothing wrong OR crazy with being up front about your feelings.

3. You’re smart: I don’t want to have to pretend I have no idea what’s going on so you can ‘man-splain’ things to me. I hate that. This is a dangerous middle ground though, because smart girls can be a turn on, but we don’t want to come off as pretentious, or better than the men we’re looking at.  On the flip side, we shouldn’t have to hide our impressive brains.

Bitch, please: First of all, what is this ‘man-splain’ thing that you speak of? Second of all – yikes. You should never pretend anything, because if you are, then everything you said about being upfront with someone goes out the window. You can’t be all, “I like, TOTALLY want to get married, and by the way, what’s like, up with Chechnya?” Being smart means you’re smart enough to know you don’t have to hide it. Why would you?

4. Flirting is hard: I find that I can flirt with just about everybody except the object of my affection- then it is totally foot in mouth city for me. I’m sarcastic and quippy and I think it throws a lot of guys off, which sucks because my humor is sarcastic and quippy and I’m just trying to be funny, you know!? Sometimes we come on too strong and don’t leave enough room for the chase, sometimes we act too aloof and dudes think we’re not interested. It’s all about finding a balance, and it is a hard recipe to perfect.

Bitch, please: Flirting sucks. It really does. But there is no perfect recipe. It depends on the two people. You have to first get an idea of their general personality and adjust accordingly. For example: Just on Saturday I was at a bar with my ladies and one of them suggested I put my coat down on an empty bar stool. Well, a gentleman returned from the bathroom to inform me that he was in fact sitting there. The first thing I did was blame Courtney. “It was HER idea,” I said. Luckily he caught on to the fact that we were just slightly embarrassed, so started joking about it – the interaction lasted less than two minutes and I’ll probably never see him again, but he was easy to flirt with because he picked up on my sense of humor immediately. (And all of those thinking, “What sense of humor?” can BITE ME).

5. You’re confident: How many of us have heard dudes say they love a confident woman? I know I have from, like, every guy I’ve ever known. But, sometimes it seems like guys get really scared by confident women, they almost seem to not know what to do with us.  Finding the right balance between being confident and showing a little insecurity is important- men like to feel needed and wanted and we should be able to show them that they are.

Bitch, please: Okay, I disagree with all of this. The right balance between confidence and insecurity? So men know they are needed? Are you kidding me? I met this guy a couple of summers ago, who, within two hours of meeting me said, “I can tell you have no self-confidence, and I don’t understand why.” They pick up on these things, apparently. So they can probably also pick up when we’re bullshitting them. Isn’t just wanting to be with them enough? Do they have to be NEEDED? I might be a rare breed here but I love my alone time and the thought of someone NEEDING me for some sort of validation is enough to send me running.  Again, there is no such balance in existence. Or if there is, it comes naturally. I’m going to use a friend as an example to attempt to illustrate my point: she was sick one weekend (years ago) and didn’t want to go out with her friends. Only on Sunday did she venture out with her boyfriend (now husband) simply to get some food and fresh air. Her friends, for whatever reason, were less than understanding and in fact called her a bad friend (for reasons I am still not clear about, but whatever) – and her boyfriend was very supportive of her and was there as a source of comfort, that she did need as she was inevitably very upset – but none of it was forced. It just was. And that’s why it worked.

6. You’re the right girl at the wrong time: A lot of romance issues stem from the fact that guys just aren’t ready to settle or get serious. And, that’s okay because it’s not on us, even if we think it is. Sometimes it is, but usually it’s more about how together a guy wants to be before he really wants to move on to the next stage of his life.

Bitch, please: The right girl at the wrong time is an illusion. She is what we use to comfort ourselves during heartbreak. Haven’t you seen or read He’s Just Not That Into You? My best example is from when I was “dating” Mr. Titspervert. He didn’t want to settle down. I wanted to be exclusive, he did not. He’s now engaged. I wasn’t the right girl. She was. I have made MANY a mistake thinking physical attraction automatically equaled emotional compatibility or vice versa. There are so many things that go into these relationship things. I know they say timing is everything – it’s because when the time is right, you’ll be the right girl at any time for the person you end up with. Am I talking out of my ass? Maybe. But I still stand by there is no such thing as the right girl at the wrong time.

Yes, I get it. Dating sucks. I am CLEARLY inept at it. Hell, I’m writing a book about sucking at it. But from all the bullshit we deal with, it boils down to one thing: when you meet the right person, there will be no games. There will be no balancing being smart but ditzy but flirty but aloof but into sports but like, hey what it that pass interference thing all about but confident but timid but honest but agreeable to whatever he wants. It will just happen, and it will be fine. So, as an older, potentially wiser, but completely fed up with all the bullshit games, but yes still very single person, I am pleading with you to stop finding the right combination of anything, and just be yourself. I sense that yourself is better than any balanced combination of something that doesn’t actually exist.

And now another BITCH, PLEASE segment, brought to you by Princeton (UPDATED)

Jezebel posted this story earlier about how a FEMALE Princeton alum wrote a letter to the editor of the Daily Princetonian wanting to share her pearls of Ivy League wisdom by telling “the daughters [she] never had” to know that they’re screwed for life if they don’t snag a Princeton prince by first semester freshman year.”

I am trying to access the DP’s site to read this gem in its entirely but legitimately think Jezebel’s post caused all of us doomed, irate, 30-somethings to head on over to the site and give them the what for and as of right now I am pretty sure the site has crashed. So I have to do this somewhat blindly based on Jezebel’s post unless the site miraculously starts working again.

Point: For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

BITCH, PLEASE: This is what you’re telling Princeton students? Really? This is your advice. Can we TALK about the quality of boys I met my freshman year? The overly beautiful president of Kappa Sig, who went by Tennessee, had perfect blue eyes and a southern drawl and would not give me the time of day even though I tried and forced my friend in KKG to give me his AIM name (SHUT IT, IT WAS 1999) and when I tried to chat with him he was like I literally do not know who you are. Then there was the dude whose dad worked for United and was just using me for my Comm 101 notes because all our professor did was talk about his canary yellow Nissan XTerra so Bob never went to class and even though I skipped every other class, he thought something was better than nothing. OR we can talk about the guy who offered to help me study for my first EVER midterm and stupid naive me actually brought my notes and all HE wanted to do was make out – cut to me getting a D-!!! I don’t give two shits that I didn’t go to Princeton, and p.s. this is not 1973 and 18-year old boys are not interested in meeting a long-term girlfriend the minute their parents unpack them and then drive off to their Connecticut mansion in their BMW. They want to get drunk and plow everything in site and YOUR ADVICE is that we should marry one of them? Pffffft. Oh, and by the WAY, I found a MOST FLATTERING picture of you:

wicked stepmother

Point: (Talking about how she went to some event there): I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

BITCH, PLEASE: But most of all they need a good therapistAnd, instead of steering them back to your accomplishments, whatever they may be, or perhaps offering that there is more to life than meeting your future spouse when you’re 18, you fed in to their petty bullshit questions? Furthermore, if that’s all they TRULY care about, I am concerned these girls are hogging admission spots at Princeton that could be used by people who ACTUALLY WANT AN IVY LEAGUE DEGREE rather than a rich man fishing pole.

Jezebel notes that: Her two sons are both Princetonians; one already married a classmate of his, although he “could have married anyone,” but, lucky for Princeton ladies, her younger son is still a junior — catch him while you can! — although “the universe of women he can marry is limitless,” as he is a man who aced his SATs.

BITCH, PLEASE: I truly pity your current and future daughter-in-laws because you sound like a delusional whack job.

Point: Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

BITCH, PLEASE: I seriously feel like my head might explode now. We’ve already addressed how most people do not marry someone they meet their freshman year. But college is about finding yourself and learning what you are and what you are not. Why the fuck would anyone want to latch on immediately to a relationship before they even have a chance to experience classes and all-nighters and roommates and adjusting to life away from home for the first time? Is this really what you’re condoning? Not only finding a husband before you graduate, but an older one? GOD FORBID A WOMAN DATES A YOUNGER MAN. God forbid ANY OF US graduate single and experience life and can do whatever we want, even if that means moving ten times in like a year and half because we are trying to figure things out and we don’t have to drag someone else around with us because some Princeton alum convinced us it was A LIFE NECESSITY to meet your future spouse above all else? And what if (GASP) someone decides they don’t WANT to get married? Are we doomed to fail in life because you’re still living in the 1870’s?

LADY, I am embarrassed for you and your poor son who is still there and will probably never get laid again because no woman in her right mind would want to marry into your family.

I can’t even form coherent sentences I am so mad.

UPDATE – Below is the letter in its entirety. Now the comments section won’t load. The fun never ends!

Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had
Forget about having it all, or not having it all, leaning in or leaning out — here’s what you really need to know that nobody is telling you.

For years (decades, really) we have been bombarded with advice on professional advancement, breaking through that glass ceiling and achieving work-life balance. We can figure that out — we are Princeton women. If anyone can overcome professional obstacles, it will be our brilliant, resourceful, very well-educated selves.

A few weeks ago, I attended the Women and Leadership conference on campus that featured a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter, and I participated in the breakout session afterward that allowed current undergraduate women to speak informally with older and presumably wiser alumnae. I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

When I was an undergraduate in the mid-seventies, the 200 pioneer women in my class would talk about navigating the virile plains of Princeton as a precursor to professional success. Never being one to shy away from expressing an unpopular opinion, I said that I wanted to get married and have children. It was seen as heresy.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.

I am the mother of two sons who are both Princetonians. My older son had the good judgment and great fortune to marry a classmate of his, but he could have married anyone. My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless. Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent, less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition, if she is exceptionally pretty. Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal. As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market. Simply put, there is a very limited population of men who are as smart or smarter than we are. And I say again — you will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

Of course, once you graduate, you will meet men who are your intellectual equal — just not that many of them. And, you could choose to marry a man who has other things to recommend him besides a soaring intellect. But ultimately, it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.

Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them.

Susan A. Patton ’77

President of the Class of 1977

New York, N.Y.

Taylor Swift is Hilarious’s top story right now is about how Taylor Swift falls in love easily.  I think we all knew that already, but fine.  It’s early, I needed some light reading material to go with my coffee, so I decided to bite.

The excerpts are hilarious and just…I don’t even know what.

I can’t fault the girl for writing about her heartache (hello, premise of my book) – but she’s only 22 so it’s hard for me to take gems like this seriously:

The songstress believes in love “even after it explodes into a million pieces and burns down and you’re standing in a pile of the ash of what it once was thinking, ‘Why did I have to meet this person, why did this have to happen?’ “

That’s maybe not the most eloquent analogy I’ve ever heard, but I do understand the sentiment well.  Once something falls apart you are indeed left wondering why, but it usually involves liquor and an angry blog post rather than, say, a #1 single.

She goes on to say:  “But then, when you make eye contact with someone across the room and it clicks and, bam, you’re there. In love again,” she says.

Ummm, okay.  That’s adorable.  I fell in love via eye contact once a week when I was 22, so I get it.

And then my favorite:  “But music is absolutely everything that I am and everything that I stand for. It’s not my fault if someone gets into a relationship with me and then cheats and I write a song about it.”

First of all the whole “if someone gets into a relationship with me” thing makes it sound like it’s all on the guy and she has no say or control over herself or her choices.  Second of all, the cheating thing – I guess just the way she words it is odd – like maybe that’s the only reason all of her past relationships have ended?  Or she’s just singling someone out.  (P.S. Do you remember Singled Out on MTV?  I miss that show.  Also, can we discuss Jenny McCarthy’s hair?)

Now that I’ve gone completely off topic, have a nice Monday!

I am like, never ever listening to one of your songs again

I hate Taylor Swift’s new song.  I know I’m not really her target audience, per se, but I just went to iTunes to look for songs for my running playlist and lo and behold,  “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is #2 on the Top Singles list, second only to “Ronan” by Taylor Swift (that one should be #1 though, it’s about a boy who lost his battle with cancer).

So I listen to it.  I think I’d heard it on the radio once or twice but wasn’t paying that close attention.  Can we discuss the lyrics?

I remember when we broke up the first time  (me too – didn’t that spawn Teardrops on My Guitar?)
Saying this is it, I’ve had enough, ’cause like
We haven’t seen each other in a month  
When you, said you, needed space, what?  (not a good sign – you like, feel me?)
Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I’m gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day  (if you’re lucky)
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you (oh yes, a most productive cycle.  I’m impressed with how well you play “Hard to Get”)

Oooh we called it off again last night
But Oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you  (you TELL him)
We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me  (ah yes, the fun game of telephone where, I saw him at Starbucks talking to a woman in line turns into, he’s like, practically engaged, y’all)
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

Like ever… (Like, I’ve heard this before from you, buttercup)

I’m really gonna miss you picking fights
And me, falling for a screaming that I’m right
And you, will hide away and find your piece of mind with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine  (wait, what?  I don’t even know what you’re talking about.  I do know all records are cooler than yours, then again I’m not 14 anymore.  OMG WTF)

Oooh you called me up again tonight
But Oooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you
We are never ever ever getting back together (Allow me to once again interject – you say this now, but you’re probably lying.  But like, we’ve all been there, ya know?  You just have to take a deep breath and move on.  May I suggest going to a bar and making out with a random stranger?)
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

I used to think, that we, were forever ever ever  (Until he didn’t want to see you for a month)
And I used to say never say never
Huh, he calls me up and he’s like, I still love you
And i’m like, i’m just, I mean this is exhausting, you know  (Oh, I do know.  Hearing about it is no walk in the park either)
We are never getting back together, like ever

We are never ever ever getting back together
We are never ever ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk
To my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

We, oooh, oooh, not back together, we
Oh, getting back together

You go talk to your friends talk
And my friends talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together

These are like, the most inane lyrics ever.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “this bitch is just old and cranky and mad she’s not a gajillionaire for yodeling out loves songs with her guitar.”  Well, that might be true, but STILL.

My idea of a better break-up/broken-hearted song?

Although I’ve never seen this music video, so I’m not sure how I feel about it, but this still remains one of my all time favorites.  And is much more true and profound than, “we are like, never getting back together, until we do, like understand?”

Eye-roll.  Rant over.