Now I’m a Delilah caller

I used to listen to Delilah in high school/college, though I am not sure why. But I feel like all her calls are one of two extremes: some over the top in love person rubbing it in our faces, in which D will play one of three songs she keeps in rotation, or the person that just had their heart wrenched out of them through their feet and feels like there is no other option than to call this random bitch and tell her and then she goes and plays some stupid irrelevant song like “Somewhere Out There.”

Last night, I told Bachelor #3 we needed to take a break. He sent me a text that, while was completely a joke, made me extremely upset because of the intent behind the text. It was that wake up call I needed – he would be FINE with me dating other people, while the thought of HIM dating other people is like

So, after I calmly told him that we clearly weren’t on the same page and I had to jump ship, I lost my shit in the parking garage. But at least I didn’t cry on the phone.

It’s for the best, because the more we hung out, the further in I fell, while he stayed in the same place. Plus. I don’t know. I don’t get what he sees when he looks at me. Gisele, I am not. I look in the mirror, and see

which means the constant stress of worrying that eventually he’ll realize I’m a 5 AT BEST was totally cutting in to my fun.

So, it sucks, but it had to happen. And now….?

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No one likes a whiny bitch

miami_osu

I wrote this piece today for Awful Announcing in regards to the whiny Duke bitch who complained about how she was treated during last week’s Duke vs. Miami game. The game was in Coral Gables.

Michelle Picon went to Duke undergrad but is a Miami grad student and was sitting in the student section wearing Duke gear. I’m not sure what she was expecting to happen, but any non-uppity, non-self important bitch would KNOW that when you wear the away team’s gear on the home team’s turf, you’re not exactly going to get a warm welcome from the fan base.

Here are just of the few things Duke fans have done to visiting teams and their fans – but you wouldn’t know it reading the letter Picon wrote to the Duke Chronicle. The way she portrays it, Duke fans are nothing but the most exemplary of fans that never offend or heckle the opposing team. Yeah. Right.

In the ultimate show of hypocrisy, the self-proclaimed Cameron Crazies can dish it out but certainly can not take it.

Listen, I moaned and whined and claimed outrage over how we were treated in Columbus when we invaded the town in our Miami gear for the UM/OSU game. We got completely blasted by the Buckeyes, so not only did we have to deal with the loss, but we had to deal with very much being kicked while we were down.

So yeah, when the wounds were fresh back in September of 2010, I was pissed off. But you really have to have a thick skin when you’re a sports fan. That’s just the way it is. Suck it up.

I am of course not condoning any of the violence that happens outside stadiums, what with people getting stabbed, shot and beaten.

It’s just a game, people. Yes, it’s a game we’re vehemently passionate about, but is it worth stabbing a fan of the opposing team over it? Will that make your team win? Are those good manners or bad manners?

In any case, Picon did her school and fan base NO FAVORS by basically living up to every single stereotype that comes with attending Duke.

 

 

There’s an App For That!

Yesterday, I stumbled across this article in the Chicago Tribune about eHarmony launching a new app this week – The Bad Date Rescue app.

Here’s a blurb about what it does:

The free app includes several ways to set up a rescue. Users can pick a number from their address book for the call, for example from their mother or a friend. It the person’s picture is stored on the app it will appear on the screen when the call comes through.

Scripts are available giving the reason for the call, such as a neighbor calling about a leaky pipe; a mother informing that a sister just had a baby; or a boss saying he needs help immediately.

The free app can be pre-set before the date to call at a specific time and there is a quick rescue that can be triggered on the spot to ring in a few seconds or minutes.

File this app under “The Most Useless Thing EVER.”

First of all, we’ve all had contingency plans in place before – let’s be honest.  I’ve had to do it for friends and they’ve had to do it for me (I think).  Because this type of thing has existed for so long, to me, renders this app completely unnecessary.

Second of all, the director of product management claims, “It graciously allows you to play along and to get out of that situation.”  But he’s not fooling anyone.  It doesn’t graciously allow you jack squat.  If you ARE on a date and either you receive an “emergency” call or your date does, both of you are going to know what’s REALLY going on without having to admit it or have that uncomfortable, adult conversation where you just say, “It was nice to meet you, but I don’t think this is a match.”  That’s a total of 14 words most of us are so unwilling to say.

Here are a five apps eHarmony should consider instead:

The Broken Heart app:  Basically Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Minds you so that random sights, smells or memories don’t make you temporarily unable to breathe because you’re so upset being reminded of your ex.

The Profile Picture app:  Will send you a picture of what the person you’re talking to will look like five years older and 20-pounds heavier because we all know people put up pictures of themselves that do not accurately represent their current appearance.

The Shut The Fuck Up app:  Download this app so that when you’re on your date and one of you brings up any of those off-limit first through tenth date topics (ex’s, divorces, politics, finance, religion, Ohio State, OJ Simpson, or the Kardashians), the app will immediately sense this and to break up the conversation and distract you will immediately start blaring “MMMBop.”

The Blood Alcohol Content app:  Turns wine into water once you reach a certain level so that you don’t get tanked and make a very bad decision.

The Facebook Status app:  Automatically texts you your date’s status update after you’ve parted ways for the evening, so you know whether or not you’re getting a second one (regardless of whether or not you are FB friends with your date).  Could also be called Thank God I Don’t Have to Obsessively Check My Phone and Accidentally Walk off a Pier app.

I think any of the above would be much more useful that the app they’ve currently developed.  Someone get their product team on the phone, stat.

Really? No, REALLY?

So, I asked my mom to send me some stuff that was still lying around in my childhood bedroom.   Mostly, I was hoping she would find and send me old emails I had printed out from college, because this was before the days of GMAIL and archiving and I basically saved NOTHING from college so those four years will wind up being one paragraph in my book because I can’t remember that many random stories.  (Also, I promise I will try to stay away from too many run on sentences like that one).

Digressing for a minute – this lovely picture you see to the left was taken in December 1996 or January 1997 when my dad took us to the British Virgin Islands.

I was 15, Miriam was 18 and Josh was 10.  Can we talk about my eyebrows?  This was before I discovered waxing.

Anyway – so bless my mom’s heart, I came home from my CA baseball trip a couple of weeks ago and had a box waiting for me.  Unfortunately, it was mostly old papers from college.   However – there was a hidden gem among all the crap.  When I turned 18, my best friend Lisa printed out one of those old surveys everyone used to take about themselves back in the day when AOL was still king and they’d forward on to mass amounts of people who would then fill it out and forward and really no one gave a crap.

Lisa printed out a survey that she and I both took in 1998.  I turned 18 in 1999.  She wrote on my survey:  “oh my, how things change.”  In a year?  Really?  I mean, I took the survey when I was still 16, but reading through it I can tell you that I am fairly certain NOTHING changed between February 1998 and May 1999.

Let’s have a looksie, shall we? (I chose my favorites not wanting to bore you by regurgitating the entire survey)

Coolest experience in life:  In 1998, I wrote: Doing plays at Concord High School.  Right, because that was during my acting phase and I apparently thought being in the chorus without a speaking part in Fiddler on the Roof was cooler than both my trips to Europe and the aforementioned trip to the BVI.  Can we say moron?  I can’t imagine what I would have changed that to in 1999.  And I don’t even know what I’d say now, because I have a lot of life left in me, and that answer is always going to change.

Little Known Talent You Possess:  So I put being stubborn and sarcastic – that was not “little known” nor is it an actual talent.  Perhaps I needed some help with reading comprehension back then.  I should have written stalking.  No, really.  I feel so bad for BDHO because I figured out his class schedule and would just happen to be at the nearest water fountain when he was getting out of class.  And I cannot tell you how many times I skipped Spanish to hang out with him in the student center.  Oops – perhaps this is why no hablo espanol.

Songs that couldn’t be improved upon:  I wrote:  Ecstasy, Nothing Else Matters, A lot by Metallica.  Okay, FIRST of all, I had to GOOGLE “ecstasy song” (because I didn’t want to get taken to a porn site) because I have no idea what the hell I was talking about.  It was the Rusted Root song, because all the cool kids in my high school liked them (no really) and I had a crush on at least three different guys who were obsessed with Metallica.  It’s nice to know I had a mind of my own.  The obvious answer to this question is “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (who loves me)” by Whitney Houston.

Future Goals:  Win an Academy Award or help people (also marrying Leo would be nice too).  I want to go back to 1998 and punch myself in the face, because that is how painful this answer is.  And that answer did not change a year later because I wrote the Academy Award nonsense in my senior yearbook blurb.

I listed all my favorite books as Mary Higgins Clark (garbage).  I listed my favorite subject as Psychology, which is ironic because I almost failed AP Psych because I didn’t give two shits about it – and then listed my future job as Psychologist.  My favorite movie was Titanic, my favorite TV show was South Park – how well-rounded I was!!

Things you collect:  Pictures of hot celebs.  OH MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU 16-YEAR OLD REVA?  I have literally given myself a headache reading this survey.

Ah, my high school self was so shallow and idiotic.  As much as I’ve been having issues choking out that I’m 31 now, I’m glad I’m no longer that stupid.