MY DECISION

I’ve made a life changing decision.  Groundbreaking.  No one else has ever taken such a risk before…

I have decided to boycott text messaging!

Now, before Verizon starts to panic, allow me to elaborate.

I am boycotting text messaging as it pertains to courting.

I cannot remember the last time a guy called me to ask me out on a date rather than texting me.

(Actually, I can.  But it ended it disaster.  You can read about it in chapter 43 of “A Series of Very Bad Decisions,” entitled Before We Have Sex, You Need to Shave.)

We ALL rely on text messaging as a flirting mechanism WAY TOO MUCH.  And it needs to stop.  We rely on it so much that we go to a bar and meet a dude who asks for our number and five days later he texts “yo” and the next thing we know we’re planning our wedding before we realize we haven’t spoken to this person since meeting him.

Don’t get me wrong – I love texting.  It’s so convenient.  Sometimes you’re at a bar and it’s loud and the table next to you is full of asshole Buckeye fans that keep screaming “O-H-I-O” so you’re not exactly able to talk to people so yes, I agree that it’s important.

But – when you meet someone and all they want to do is TEXT you – that’s where I draw the line (or, am as of now).

Texting is our ultimate crutch.  Instead of actually CALLING someone that we’d like to date, we hide behind the “SEND SMS” feature that we all have on our phones.

Okay – listen.  I’m sure that if you’re knocked on your ass crazy in love with someone, the thought of calling them can be scary.  But, what is the point of taking risks if you don’t take risks?  Wait, what am I talking about?

Here’s the thing:  When I was seven or eight, I called my uncle’s then girlfriend (now wife) at her apartment, when I knew my uncle was there, to ask to speak to him, and then subsequently ask him when he was going to propose.  I have apparently been making inappropriate phone calls since 1989, so calling up a dude to ask him on a date is no big deal to me.

All we’re asking for is effort.  Example:  My friend Jerod is dating a lovely girl and is making sure she KNOWS he’s interested.  For example:  we’re all in line to get into the Kennedy museum when she texts him to tell him she finished her last final.  What does he do?  He CALLS her to tell her how proud of her his is.  Okay, let’s review- she texted him and he called her.  A simple gesture that probably meant a lot and showed her how interested he was.  How is this rocket science?

Now you’re probably thinking: “if you like someone, why don’t you call HIM, dumbass?”  Well – joke is on you because I did and nothing happened.

So my new experiment is to not respond to solicitous text messages.  If that means I have to sit at home on a Friday night watching the Golden Girls, well, I’d probably be doing that anyway.  I’m just tired of us hiding behind a keypad.   Before texting and cell phones, we had to make an actual effort – why are we so opposed to doing that now?

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What to do When Twitter Goes Down

Since Twitter is down right now, and has been for almost two hours, I decided to put together a coping mechanism of what we can all do the next time this happens.

  • Actual work, people:  Raise your hand if you’re guilty of running a Twitter client all day at work, checking incessantly, periodically, or once a month, if you’re Sarah!  We all are.  I’d like to think all of us can multitask, and our productivity won’t take a hit, but when the site is down for more than ten seconds, the ensuing world-wide stoppage begs to differ.
  • Catch up on some reading:  We rely on Twitter for all our breaking news – let’s be honest.  How many of you have completely stopped even going to web pages like CNN for news?  Remember that favorite blog you haven’t read in six months?  Have at it.  Twitter may be done, but the rest of the WWW isn’t (we hope)!
  • Update your blog with a meaningless list
  • Remind people that wasting time worrying about the fall of KStew & RPatt speaks to the kind of society we live in now:  Wait, what?  As I was taking my own advice on the reading suggestion, all I could see anywhere is stupid story after story of that trick from Twilight flashing her lady business to a married man and now her boyfriend is moving out.  Snore.  Could not care less.  Also, for those of you who wish you had fame and fortune, this is a good example of privacy being worth a lot more.  Not that I feel bad for her, she brought this on herself – but going through this being watched by the entire country sounds somewhat less fun than say, having to read the Twilight trilogy followed by 50 Shades of Grey (followed by gouging your eyes out because you just read 4,000 pages of total garbage).
  • Rejoice when Twitter starts working again.

Blind Items, Meaningless Crap & Being Grateful

I spend WAY too much time reading gossip blogs like DListed & Crazy Days and Nights.  DListed is run by Michael K, whose snarky and bitchtastic posts keep me entertained on a daily basis.  I started reading CDAN after Michael linked to one of the posts on the site.  CDAN is run by an anonymous entertainment lawyer (literally calls himself Enty Lawyer).  Between the two of them, I can stay on top of the oh-so-important world of celebrity gossip (which is actually the least important thing ever, which is why I am going to continue to write about it).

Both blogs will often feature blind items.  Michael K will posts them in an “I guess, you guess format” (he guesses who he thinks they’re about and then everyone else voices their opinions in the comments section).  Enty Lawyer lets you comment, but then twice a year he’ll actually reveal some.

It really makes me wonder though – who are the people running around Hollywood spilling all these secrets?  I can definitely see how an assistant key grip that got shit on by Jennifer Aniston would try to leak some secrets about her.  But how do people know what is credible and what isn’t?

For example:   It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed.

This is obviously about Tim Tebow and a Kardashian (or Lindsay Lohan…or Katy Perry…or, well, anyone really).  I’ve never bought his virginity act either.  With how popular he was at Florida and all the fanatical fans he has, I find it hard to believe he was able to resist hoochtastic chickadees flinging themselves at him left and right.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  He’s only human.  If lying about his virginity is the worst thing he ever does, then he’d still be in the upper-echelon of football players who don’t break the law and are mostly good people, in general, when they don’t have enablers telling them they can do no wrong so they wind up like Ben Roethlisberger.

This one is obviously about Jay Cutler & Kristin Cav – so when they announced they were expecting a baby this summer via People Mag, I had just been waiting for “when” not “if.”

So obviously the formula here is pull two names out of a hate (doesn’t matter if they are the same-sex) and make some shit up.  There you have it.

Now with Twitter as popular as it is, news and rumors are breaking faster than ever.  And celebrities are turning to their Twitter pages to dispel rumors about themselves.

Lindsay Lohan is the #1 offender of doing this.  Last week, paramedics were called to her hotel when she was found unresponsive in her hotel room (or something…there are also rumors going around that her handlers sent paramedics to the hotel ahead of time because she is such a cracked out mess).  The understanding around the biz is that she was partying so hard (alcohol, coke, meth, the nectar of a cactus, etc) she just didn’t wake up.

She of course vomited this out on her Twitter page:  Note to self.. After working 85hours in 4days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door…. Hopefully theyre cute. Otherwise it would be a real let down.

Bitch is so stupid she doesn’t realize that working 85 hours in four days breaks every labor law imaginable and all the poor non-actors working on the set of Liz & Dick would legally not be able to do that.  But Lindsay has the IQ of a dung beetle, so she doesn’t think before she Tweets crap like that.  I’m surprised she didn’t tweet that’d she’d been working 72 hours over the course of a day-and-a-half.

So then, union investigators get involved and learn the cast and crew worked 70-75 hours in five days (or about 14-15 hour days).  But I can see how Lindsay would be confused, since she hasn’t worked longer than 85 hours in the past five YEARS let alone five days.

It drives me crazy that delusional, talent-less crack jobs like her continue to get free passes in life.  Which is why I should not be writing about her – or any other celebrity.   But they live in a different world that, like it or not, we often want to be a part of.

What reading all this garbage does for me, however, is make me appreciate that I DON’T live in that world.  Sure, I’ll never be as rich, but I also won’t have so-called “friends” selling my secrets to the tabloids.  It’s nice to have people in my life I can trust and don’t have to deal with the rampant deception that runs through NYC and Los Angeles.  And yes, I’m aware deception happens everywhere to everyone, but most of the time people (including myself) are able to go through mistakes, heartbreaks and failures in private, rather than having it be the lead story on People.com.  And for that, I am grateful.

And yes, I realize that with this book, I will be doing just that – sharing all of the above with the masses (if I can actually get this thing published).  But the main difference is that I am choosing to share it after the fact rather than have it forced upon me.  I have the choice – and for that, I am eternally grateful.