I am watching Sex and the City (Season 5) right now, and literally think I’ve had this exact conversation with John Doe that Carrie has with Mr. Big when she is in SF for her book signing (with some minor adjustments). Allow me to set the scene – Big is reading excerpts from Carrie’s book, stressing out about his role in the book and how much he’s hurt her in real life. Carrie just wants to get laid. Behold:
Carrie: That was all years ago. Can we please stop talking?
Big: Look, I just don’t want you to get hurt again. (John Doe would never say this – he would say something like, “I don’t want to get bitched out by everyone we know again.”)
Carrie: I won’t, it’s just sex! (“You won’t, it’s my decision!”)
Big: Well, according to this book, it is NOT just sex.
Carrie: What happened in NY was all my fault. I didn’t read the signs. You were unavailable and VERY clear about that. It was all me. Now please – kiss me. Or at least lie on top of me.
Big: Carrie, I think it’s very clear from this book that when it comes to me, you do not have good judgement.
It’s very true, that when it comes to JD, I don’t have good judgement, something he knows and has definitely reminded me of on numerous occasions. We’ll ignore the fact that when the Patriots lost in the AFC Title game a couple of weeks ago he sent word through like eight degrees of separation that he wanted me to ease his pain, so to speak. I did not comply, because I can’t be on this merry-go-round any longer. And also, really? Way to make the effort, dude.
And I’m not actually comparing us to Carrie and Big, but that conversation struck way too close to home.
Thanks to Facebook’s timeline, we can now see all of our activity on Stalkbook since the first day we joined.
A blessing and a curse, rolled into one. There’s those who never update, those who post seven things in four minutes, and then of course you have the over-sharers. While I am guilty of all of the above, I have also seen and posted the most cryptic, passive aggressive status updates imaginable, solely for attention from like, four specific people who never cared, or for others to think, “oh my gosh, she’s sooooo tortured and deep. I wonder if she thought of that while running through a sunflower field (not really).”
So, without further delay, I present to you (with commentary) my favorite least favorite status updates as a lesson in what not to do!!!
May 21, 2007
having serious concentration issues…HELP!!
May 22, 2007
still having concentration issues — blah
*** I get an F– for basically posting the same status two days in a row. I know this was about John Doe because it was right after I met him and my head was in the clouds up until the day before my birthday when I came crashing down to Earth and saw him exchange numbers with someone else in front of me.***
June 5, 2007
very very confused
June 6, 2007
***Continuing with the F–. Cryptic, meaningless, who cares?***
July 15, 2007
Oct 3, 2007
November 8, 2007
is playing the waiting game.
***Okay, we can clearly see that I spent 2007 wishing, and hoping, and thinking and praying – to no avail.***
April 30, 2008
is thinking…if you could see, what’s come over me, then you would know
***This is also about John Doe (can we say PATHETIC) and is lyrics from this specific song:***
Although, in this video Vanessa Carlton says the song is supposed to be about letting go, I interpreted it to mean I should try to keep a vice grip on a relationship with the consistency of squeaky foam, but that’s cool.
Oct 14, 2008
is seriously, seriously being punished, clearly for actions in a previous life.
Nov 17, 2008
is check mate!!!!
***Okay, so now we’ve segued into Mr. Titspervert – I don’t know why I was checkmating him. Probably thought I was beyond cool and bitchy for ignoring him at flag football or not responding to a series of Google IMs until he was all, “oh are you mad at me or something?” Oh yes, all the power was clearly on my end. Not.***
Nov 27, 2008
is wooo missed 2am phone calls.
Dec 1, 2008
is getting sucked back in please help kthxbye
Dec 15, 2008
Dec 15, 2008
is nevermind I dont want to know
**Okay, really, this is absurd. Why hasn’t anyone smacked me yet? We’re back to JD again. This was also during my period of unemployment so I clearly had nothing better to do with my time. Oh wait, that was all the time. Never mind.***
Dec 23, 2008
specifically said no games!! Game OVER asshole.
Dec 30, 2008
is not sure if this is a joke or not.
***We’ve now reached the point where even I don’t know what I was talking about. I should be proud. Or ashamed. ***
Oct 8, 2009
FB stalking has its advantages and disadvantages. Today, I lose.
***Again with the cryptic yet beyond obvious status updates…***
Dec 21, 2009
Maybe his grandma died or maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab…
***The above status is a line from the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. I hope that I was watching it and taking notes.***
Feb 10, 2010
valuable life lessons from the Golden Girls: Blanche: Dorothy has been working with him for 2 whole weeks and he hasn’t asked her out yet…maybe he’s just shy. Rose: Maybe he just doesn’t like her. Thank you, Betty White!
***Yeah so…wish that had occurred to me sooner…***
July 25, 2011
life lessons from Will & Grace: “first, you offered to buy me a drink, and then you made me feel guilty and horrible about myself…THAT’s a date.”
***Was this my way of saying, “hey JD, even though YOU don’t think we ever dated, I beg to differ”?
And finally, the greatest status update EVER, that didn’t come from me, obviously, and came from my friend Brandi:
November 1, 2012
Getting really tired of seeing so many ambiguous posts on FB … This horrible thing happened but I won’t say what, you suck and I hate you but I won’t say who or why … either put your business on the internet or don’t. Stop hinting at the issue just for attention. That is all & have a nice day. 🙂
I really love Facebook because it has allowed me to stay in touch with and/or reconnect with friends I’d never have been able to otherwise. But there are some things better left unsaid and posted – if you ever have doubts, it is better to err on the side of caution and say something like “O’Doyle Rules!”
Thanks to Sonia for tweeting me the link to this brilliant xoJane post about blind dates. But it’s not JUST about how no one goes on blind dates anymore (do they??) – what jumped out the most for me is the following:
The problem? The pesky Internet. No one is going on blind dates anymore because 62% of singles research their dates online before meeting them. Which makes sense when I think about the fact that a guy asked me to dinner a few weeks ago while I was having a drink at a bar. I gave him my card, but then he never called. My best guess? He Googled me.
Okay, well there you have it. Obviously I’m single because any potential date (not that I’ve had any in…a while) can Google me and get to one of maybe five places:
1) This blog, where the name alone is probably off putting enough. But then if they read it -game over!
2) My inane Twitter ramblings in which I mainly post about the following:
Ohio State cheating
Why the White Sox should resign A.J. Pierzynski
Why I hate LeBron James
that if Mitt Romney gets elected, I am moving to Toronto
3) One of the 8675309 blogs I contribute to where they will undoubtedly realize that when it comes to sports (okay everything) I’m a shrill lunatic.
4) The inane and uninformed field hockey recaps I wrote when interning at Villanova.
5) Something I wrote seven years ago that probably sucks (see #4)
And yes, I am too afraid to Google myself to see what suggestions come up (okay, I just did it, the only thing that comes up is “reva friedel twitter” so that’s not so bad.
If a potential date Googles me and is scared off, well then it wouldn’t have worked anyway. Gone are the days where I try to be someone else. It’s me as me or nothing, sorry fellas. (What is that uproar of cheering I just heard??)
One of the things I love about Twitter is the things you can learn and the people you can meet (one of the things I hate is that it inevitably also sends in the clowns, but that’s neither here nor there).
One of the lovely people I follow on Twitter, Ms. Pink Funk, tweeted the following and inspired this blog post:
So, I couldn’t even do that NOW. Let’s forget the fact that I can’t name an endangered species off the top of my head with 100% confidence, but when Melissa invited a bunch of us over to help with her centerpieces for her wedding earlier in the summer, it quickly became apparent I could not be trusted with anything more difficult than putting the gift bags together, because I am not artistic or good at anything in the realm of that. So. Yeah. And this project is for first graders? Really?? That seems extreme.
But, that did remind me of two ninth grade projects I had that my dad flat out 100% did for me. Why, you ask? Why would he offer to do so or why would your mother allow such a deplorable act?
It was because of Mr. Salmi.
Ahh Mr. Salmi. He taught Accelerated Physical Science, which my mom forced me to take (something about challenges being good even though I am inept at math and science). But, I use the term “taught” loosely. Our notebook organization was, no joke, 50% of our grade and we spent each and every class answering chapter summary questions, which we then had to file behind “double zero pink” (our notebook sections had to be separated by color) – anyone from Rundlett with me here?
Anyhoo – project #1 rolls around and it’s something about having to create a water tester (I was in 9th grade 10* years ago, bear with me here).
I can’t remember the specifics, only that we had zero practical knowledge of how to do this – how could you possibly after reading irrelevant book chapters? So, my Dad made it for me. And I got a 100.
Project #2 was even worse and more asinine, considering, again, all Salmi cared about was fucking double zero pink and if it was filed in our notebooks correctly. He asked us to make a brick powered car. Yeah, you read that right – a brick powered car.
First of all – fuck you, Salmi! If you had given us a MODICUM of practice on how to do this it wouldn’t have been as unreasonable. I should have somehow powered the brick power car with “double zero pink” rather than an actual brick, you know, to really stick it to him.
Anyway, I got a 100% on that, too (thanks, Dad) – and Salmi was none the wiser.
It’s not that I am not willing to work, either. It was just that he gave us projects with no foundation whatsoever and just sat back and watched us suffer.
My junior year of high school, we had a huge project in my English class. Something about reading someone’s biography and then completing one of five project choices. Well, it’s maybe a month-long project or something and the night before it’s due I realize I hadn’t started. Soooo, one of the options was to write a short story. My subject was Charles Lindbergh. So what do I do? Whip up five pages of bullshit about him and Amelia Earhart falling in love, which garnered a 97. My mom was FURIOUS that I waited until the last minute and got such a high grade to therefore reinforce my behavior – but at least I did it myself.
Parenthood – the older I get, the harder I realize it is.