All the single ladies

broken_heart_anti_valentines_day_17 Since today is Valentine’s Day and since I have NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT WARRANTED A 2/14 CELEBRATION, I wanted to instead look at the bright side of being single on this craptastic holiday. For instance:

  1. There is no pressure whatsoever. “Will he like his gift? Does my underwear match my bra? Does it have holes in it? Did I shave? Why for the love of god did I forget to get a manicure? Does this shirt make my hair look frizzy?” Us single gals don’t have to worry about any of these things.
  2. It’s an excuse to celebrate with your single friends. What other day of the year gives you a better excuse to collect a group of single friends to troll the bars ultimately looking to score? Chicago has an annual “Fuck Valentine’s Day” bar crawl, and while I have never participated (Durkins? Pass. Duffy’s? Maybe if I were 25), I have done fun things with my friends that made the day just as fun without all the formalities.
  3. If you had a bad day and you just want to go home and put on sweatpants, you can! There is no one there to say, “BUT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO LOU MALNATI’S AND THEN TO SEE SAFE HAVEN, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”
  4. It’s a stupid holiday, who cares?
  5. But that doesn’t mean I won’t support you should you choose to celebrate it.
  6. Another thing about the pressure – depending on the phase of the relationship, are you going to over-analyze celebrating this day? Do you both have the same expectations? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN????
  7. You won’t have this happen to you (my GOD I would be pissed enough to retract my “yes”).

Being single on V-Day really isn’t the worst thing in the world. Sure in high school it got you the side-eye from the popular bitches who made fun of you for being flat chested, but in the real world, no one cares, and it has nothing to do with anything. At least, that’s what I am telling myself for the 55th consecutive year or whatever.

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Blind Items, Meaningless Crap & Being Grateful

I spend WAY too much time reading gossip blogs like DListed & Crazy Days and Nights.  DListed is run by Michael K, whose snarky and bitchtastic posts keep me entertained on a daily basis.  I started reading CDAN after Michael linked to one of the posts on the site.  CDAN is run by an anonymous entertainment lawyer (literally calls himself Enty Lawyer).  Between the two of them, I can stay on top of the oh-so-important world of celebrity gossip (which is actually the least important thing ever, which is why I am going to continue to write about it).

Both blogs will often feature blind items.  Michael K will posts them in an “I guess, you guess format” (he guesses who he thinks they’re about and then everyone else voices their opinions in the comments section).  Enty Lawyer lets you comment, but then twice a year he’ll actually reveal some.

It really makes me wonder though – who are the people running around Hollywood spilling all these secrets?  I can definitely see how an assistant key grip that got shit on by Jennifer Aniston would try to leak some secrets about her.  But how do people know what is credible and what isn’t?

For example:   It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed.

This is obviously about Tim Tebow and a Kardashian (or Lindsay Lohan…or Katy Perry…or, well, anyone really).  I’ve never bought his virginity act either.  With how popular he was at Florida and all the fanatical fans he has, I find it hard to believe he was able to resist hoochtastic chickadees flinging themselves at him left and right.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  He’s only human.  If lying about his virginity is the worst thing he ever does, then he’d still be in the upper-echelon of football players who don’t break the law and are mostly good people, in general, when they don’t have enablers telling them they can do no wrong so they wind up like Ben Roethlisberger.

This one is obviously about Jay Cutler & Kristin Cav – so when they announced they were expecting a baby this summer via People Mag, I had just been waiting for “when” not “if.”

So obviously the formula here is pull two names out of a hate (doesn’t matter if they are the same-sex) and make some shit up.  There you have it.

Now with Twitter as popular as it is, news and rumors are breaking faster than ever.  And celebrities are turning to their Twitter pages to dispel rumors about themselves.

Lindsay Lohan is the #1 offender of doing this.  Last week, paramedics were called to her hotel when she was found unresponsive in her hotel room (or something…there are also rumors going around that her handlers sent paramedics to the hotel ahead of time because she is such a cracked out mess).  The understanding around the biz is that she was partying so hard (alcohol, coke, meth, the nectar of a cactus, etc) she just didn’t wake up.

She of course vomited this out on her Twitter page:  Note to self.. After working 85hours in 4days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door…. Hopefully theyre cute. Otherwise it would be a real let down.

Bitch is so stupid she doesn’t realize that working 85 hours in four days breaks every labor law imaginable and all the poor non-actors working on the set of Liz & Dick would legally not be able to do that.  But Lindsay has the IQ of a dung beetle, so she doesn’t think before she Tweets crap like that.  I’m surprised she didn’t tweet that’d she’d been working 72 hours over the course of a day-and-a-half.

So then, union investigators get involved and learn the cast and crew worked 70-75 hours in five days (or about 14-15 hour days).  But I can see how Lindsay would be confused, since she hasn’t worked longer than 85 hours in the past five YEARS let alone five days.

It drives me crazy that delusional, talent-less crack jobs like her continue to get free passes in life.  Which is why I should not be writing about her – or any other celebrity.   But they live in a different world that, like it or not, we often want to be a part of.

What reading all this garbage does for me, however, is make me appreciate that I DON’T live in that world.  Sure, I’ll never be as rich, but I also won’t have so-called “friends” selling my secrets to the tabloids.  It’s nice to have people in my life I can trust and don’t have to deal with the rampant deception that runs through NYC and Los Angeles.  And yes, I’m aware deception happens everywhere to everyone, but most of the time people (including myself) are able to go through mistakes, heartbreaks and failures in private, rather than having it be the lead story on People.com.  And for that, I am grateful.

And yes, I realize that with this book, I will be doing just that – sharing all of the above with the masses (if I can actually get this thing published).  But the main difference is that I am choosing to share it after the fact rather than have it forced upon me.  I have the choice – and for that, I am eternally grateful.