Ten untraditional dating don’ts

After writing this, I realized I need to bitch please myself. Which I will, in the book – a fun plot twist we came up with in Seattle. Anyway – this is a gift from me to you – instead of the normal dating rule cliches, I am ramping it up a notch.

  1. Don’t invite someone you just met to a housewarming party – you know the drill. You move into a new apartment, go out with a friend on Labor Day weekend and the next thing you know, a random man is hitting on you and asking to go home with you. Not wanting to be a giant ho, you say no. He badgers you into giving him your phone number. You oblige. He calls and asks you for a date, but you’re throwing a party at aforementioned new apartment. Feeling obligated, you invite him. He shows up at 11 pm with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Things do not end well after you throw him out for being an asshole but everyone else was already gone so for the next week you get texts asking how things with him went.
  2. Don’t go to a bar to “clear the air” – you know the drill. You think you’re dating someone but they think otherwise. You tell him you want to be exclusive. He says he’s dating other people. You proceed to delete him from all social media. A couple months later, he asks if you can “clear the air.” Your intention is to go to Starbucks. But there is nowhere to sit. So you go to a bar at 8 pm on a Tuesday and drink too much and the next thing you know, the air is murkier than ever.
  3. Don’t plan a trip to Vegas with someone you have not seen in five years – you know the drill. Your high school crush resurfaces on AOL Instant Messenger. Although you didn’t date because he was too busy being brainwashed by this evil skank whore who was like, legitimately the meanest and most unattractive person ever, but that’s fine, you’re not offended. And now you live in different states and he tells you how amazing you are and he wants to see you so you pick Las Vegas as a halfway point to meet and his job is to book the hotel because your credit cards are maxed out but he never does so you call and leave a voice-mail telling him to never speak to you again and proceed to spend the weekend at bars with friends taking fake happy pictures to post on My Space when you’re really miserable and your hair color makes you look like if Jem tried to be a brunette but still had pink highlights.134_619916111000_2111_n
  4. Don’t be that girl – you know the drill. It’s high school. You don’t know what you’re doing. You have a crush on like five of your coworkers. Some of whom your friends won’t let you near, lest you slum it. The other two have been given your phone number on receipt paper multiple times by you and your friends, yet you’ve never received one phone call, yet you wait with one of them for a full hour after the store closes while he waits for his dad to pick him up because he lost his license for speeding too much or maybe a DUI, but he hugged you earlier and it was Valentine’s Day, which means you’re obviously getting married, so you NEED to wait for him. Oh, and please consider a brow wax.196530_10150115141417561_6228824_n
  5. Don’t be blinded by the light – you know the drill. You’re in Mexico for a destination wedding and unexpectedly make out with one of the groom’s friends who you then decide is your vacation boyfriend. Except when you return to the arctic tundra that is Chicago in January, you expect the margarita fueled romance to continue so you go on one supremely awkward date and even though he drives you home and comes in he then tells you that this whole thing is awkward because he doesn’t want to date anyone and the next time you see him he’s dating someone.
  6. Don’t text someone who is sitting across the table from you and ask them to make out – you know the drill. You meet someone at a party and you think he’s your future husband. Six days later after zero contact you watch him exchange numbers with another girl in front of you, but only after you asked him to make out via text, while he was sitting directly across from you. That usually does not go over well when the person is devoid of all feeling and has the emotional intelligence of the pus that infects the mucous… that cruds up the fungus… that feeds on the pond scum.
  7. Don’t equate online dating with an AOL chat room – you know the drill. You’re trying to create a profile on Plenty of Fish because you have $4 in your checking account and you want someone to take you on a damn date and you’re all, A/S/L, oh wait, this isn’t 1996. And then you remember those times when you spent the weekend at your friend’s house chatting with random perverts on AOL because you thought you were hot shit and little did you know this was Twitter and Facebook in the making (minus the pictures and Google) so you can at least find out if your date has a criminal record beforehand and you wonder how it even got to this because you didn’t memorize Big Dumb Hairy Oaf’s high school class schedule for no reason! So you could be at the exact right water fountain at the exact right time and eventually you started skipping Spanish class to hang out with him during his free period even though he couldn’t stand you while you thought he was supposed to marry you and relieve you of dating in your mid-20’s.
  8. Don’t date out of towners – you know the drill. You’re eating outside during the 4th of July weekend and a random guy at the table over starts hitting on you. The next thing you know, you’re at his friend’s apartment until 4 am with your friend meeting awesome new people except your handsome military man is all, “I can totally tell you have no self-confidence,” and then you’re all, “cool wanna make out?” but then you never see him again because he lives in fucking Detroit or Georgia and no one likes a girl with no self-confidence.
  9. Don’t be blinded by the light, part 2 – you know the drill. You go on a cruise with your best friend. Wanting to snap a nine-month drought, you are determined to find a cruise boyfriend, which you do, except he’s from the same area, so you’re all, “awesome, let’s get married,” except on the last night he does NOT come to your performance as Britney Spears in front of THE ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP, as promised, so you like, never see him again. And you may or may not track down his work e-mail and are all, “Yo, let’s hang out, peace.” But he never responds. Because of course.25181_10100101416257820_5437004_n
  10. Don’t believe someone when they say they will be your rebound – you know the drill. You get your heart broken and the very next day meet someone who agrees to be your rebound and then he’s all, “Oh, I’m like pseudo-dating nine other people, but that’s cool, you’re cute, we can talk every day but I’m like, not committing.” So you go to Atlanta for the 4th of July and beg random 25-year old boys to take a picture with you so you look desirable and like you’re having fun and you didn’t NEED Rebound Man aka Dr. Evil to begin with. So THERE.

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One response

  1. Very entertaining stuff, Reva. Pictures really add a nice personal touch. I meant to comment a while back when I first read it, but…well, life happens…More from me in a bit…(feel free to check out my website, which leads to other websites, etc. etc….)

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